Photo by Marcus Hansson
Post written by contributing writer, Michele.
Have you pulled out your wedding photo album in awhile? Go dust it off, browse through, and reminisce for a moment with me.
Remember that day…
The joyous leap of your heart at the sound of his voice…
That moment of walking down the aisle, giving him your hand and heart, your eyes drawn to his…
Feeling the rightness of his ring, slipped onto your finger…
The surreal discovery of oneness and laughter on those early honeymoon days…
The marriage of two imperfect people…
Storms of life can (and will) appear. Emotional scars, disconnectedness of busy schedules, tiredness of intense parenting seasons, and distractions of many kinds, can chip away at the sanctity- and priority- of marital intimacy. But Matthew 19:6 says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Joining Hands…
Is your husband receiving your rich desserts or weary leftovers? Are you busy doing “good things” for him (and your family), instead of giving him yourself? All of you- Just as you did that blessed wedding day those years ago.
If we allow the storms and distractions to divide and interrupt the intimacy of our marriage, it may not be “divorce,” but it is the beginning of separating what God joined together.
As you prepare your personal/family mission statement, intentionally plan and prepare to bless your husband in the bedroom- not just in the rest of his home with helpful home-keeping routines or meal plans.
Beginning Anew…
Prayerfully consider this aspect of your marriage. You may find a book such as Intimate Issues helpful as you prepare your heart anew; perhaps with some focused reading and prayer times in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day (or any day). Ask God to show you (and heal you of) any hidden areas of pain, distraction, guilt, etc. that may be hindering intimacy with your husband.
Just as we are conscious of avoiding artificial/chemical additives or spoilage in our food and choose healthy, natural options to nourish our family, we need to examine our heart to make sure nothing is “contaminating” the oneness of our marriage. What needs to be cleansed from your heart, to allow for greater intimacy?
Nurturing…
As you strive to nurture the marriage relationship with your husband, you can create a fun date night at home with whatever you enjoy as a couple; such as a candlelit romantic meal or a massage with some rich, natural homemade lotion (a recipe is available in my eBook, A Natural Noel; perhaps substitute a more “manly” scent such as cedarwood essential oil instead of orange, if he prefers).
But in your preparations of cooking and lighting candles, don’t forget to focus on preparing your heart for him in oneness and vulnerability. Intimacy isn’t just another “thing to do” or a “quick fix” for your marriage; it means being transformed. Let him fully see the the gift of your heart, and the authentic joy he brings you.
More than anything else, the most precious, valuable gift you can give your husband is intimacy with you…. au naturale.
I have to tell you that I ordered the book, Intimate Issues, when I saw this post and the advice found inside has already amazing things for our love life! My husband found the book before I was able to start it and he read the whole thing in a day and then handed it to me to read.
After 3 pregnancies in 2 years, 2 kids in 18 months, one horrible miscarriage, and then 18 more months of trying to conceive (we’re still waiting on God…), our love life had pretty much become a loveless chore. I’m almost done with the book and I’ve been putting some of the Biblical principles to use. Things have improved *greatly* in just a few days, and I know that with time they’ll get even better. My husband is happier he’s been in a *very* long time.
I just wanted to thank you for suggesting the book, and for all the recent “love your husband better”-type posts.
I am in the midst of reading “Intimate Issues” and it is fantastic. We have a one year old and it has been hard to keep the intimacy alive in our marriage. But, after I started reading this book, I started making a huge effort to get our sex life back to where it was pre-baby. As someone already said, when your sex life is good, the rest of your marriage just seems to go smoother. We are tired and tended to get set off by the littlest thing, but increasing the sex frequency has really, really helped us to be more loving and tender to one another in all areas of our marriage.
I’m curious if anyone who has read this book (or one like it) told their husband they were reading it? I thought about it, but then decided to keep it a secret and just implement what I read.
I just put the “Sheet Music” book on hold at the library. I can’t wait to read it!
Geneva, I would definitely recommend “Intimate Issues” to you. It does address the issue of a husband not being interested in sex. One thing I think you really need to hear is that you are not the problem. Don’t get down on yourself and tell yourself that it must be your fault that he is not interested. Sure, there are things you can do to try to get his attention and I think that is good to do and worth the effort, but sometimes there is a deeper issue going on that he needs to deal with. Praying for you.
I would have your husband read it too…I was actually planning on keeping it a ‘secret’ and just making changes by myself, but he found it before I had a chance. I’m glad he read it too! You can read my post right above yours to see why.
I would like to see more discussion on this site about natural family planning (sometimes called natural birth control). My husband and I switched to NFP several years ago, after several years of using the Pill. It was AMAZING how much our intimate relationship (spiritual and physical) improved once we switched to NFP. Not only did the switch benefit me physically (I had strong reactions to the Pill), but it truly deepened our relationship.
Geneva….you are much braver than I…I am in the same boat…it is tuff and really hard….everyones words and advise really help. I am going to try and go and get some of the books suggested. The hardest part is feeling so alone and useless and ashamed and dirty and worthless. Praying every day for restoration. Sounds rude but glad to know I am not alone. Thanks for encouraging words!
I gave my husband a gift of this type for Father’s day, and fittingly, he will be getting another son about 9 months later
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I love this! I am blessed with a wonderful husband and am thankful for him! Giving him intimate time with him is necessary for a healthy relationship for sure!!
Ok…meant *with me* sorry
Thank you:) Good reminder & so well phrased~beautiful!
Sometimes I text or email parts of the scriptures in Song of Songs to my husband — talk about scripture coming alive!
Intimacy is crucial to a strong marriage, something to be cultivated, nurtured, and guarded. Intentionality is the key to overcoming distractions at every turn.
Great post, well done.
excellent article
I’ve used some homeopathic remedies in the past and am very interested in learning about/using more of them, especially with my children. What a great idea!
Great post.
It has been made very obvious to me that our sex life, more than anything else, is what keeps our marriage happy and cohesive.
That true sense of ‘leave and cleave” The Bible speaks of. That makes for a happier home and happier children.
Communication, and shared interests and of course praying for each other have a huge role also.
But if its happenin’ upstairs in the bedroom, “downstairs” is just a lot more easier to deal with.
Excellent article!!!!! Such an important topic! My husband and I both work hard a making sure we give each other delectable dessert instead of tired leftovers. I love that word picture! When things are loving, giving and we are fully present in our intimate moments…its amazing how it affects the rest of our marriage. I agree that “Intimate Issues” is a GREAT book! I read it…someone gave it to me as a wedding present! It really helped me to better understand the gift that the intimate part of our marriage is and how important it is. Thank you so much for taking on this subject! I am going to share it on my facebook page!!!
What do I do if my husband is not interested in me and hasn’t been for a very long time.
I wonder if your husband is in bondage to an addiction? If so, or whatever his problem is, that thing is the enemy, not your husband. Strive to obey God in respecting your husband. Pray for him because he needs salvation…and lean hard into your perfect Lover and Husband: “For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” (Is 54.5) That is HUGE and true! And you are beautiful and beloved because He made you. And no matter what you feel in the darkest moments, you are not alone: there is another woman who is there too, and even more who have been there and survived. …And in those moments when you are…shall we say, ready?…and if your husband will not come together with you, start a hobby or a workout routine!
100 sit-ups oughta do it! lol!
Hi Geneva,
My heart aches to read your post. There are many women who feel as you do, but unfortunately the literature and support for us is just not available. I’ve been through this, though perhaps not to the extent that you are dealing with. It is a lonely place to be, especially when other wives talk about how they can’t keep their husbands off them. But, there is always hope, and there is no marriage that cannot be redeemed. I’d encourage you to pray for your husband every day, in specific areas. Especially in his sex life. One book (I don’t completely agree with everything in there, so hesitate to name it) I found helpful at that season of life was Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O’Martian. If you have no idea how to pray for him, it is a good way to get a little direction. My husband and marriage were transformed when I started praying for him daily. The first thing I noticed was that my heart and behavior changed toward him, and after a couple months, it started changing him. God convicted him, and we started to deal with a major issue I didn’t know about that had placed a wedge in our relationship.
I’d have to agree with Wendy that it is often addiction that causes men to pull away from their wives. Addiction to pornography is the most prevalent. This is a terrible culture for that, since it is impossible to escape from. It’s a constant battle. And, as Wendy said, if that is the case then the addiction is the enemy, not your husband. If he loves God then he hates it even more than you do. Whether he’s saved or not, it is time to put on your armor and go to battle for him. Be a prayer warrior and get callouses on your knees. Addiction is a lonely road to be on for both a husband and wife, and the more open you can be with each other the better.
No matter how long he ignores you sexually, stay strong dear. Remember that God can sanctify anything. Nothing is beyond His redemption.
My heart sank when I read your question. I never been in your situation before, but it got me thinking what would I do? Mrs A gave a wonderful advice. My husband once told me that when his relationships with God is not right, there is no one that can make him happy….not even me. Often times when our relationship with God is not right, everything else goes down too including our marriage. Ask God to show you the state of your heart and ask him to mold it into what he wants it to be. Pray that God touches your husbands’ heart… God can speak through you to your husband. Cry out to God, pour out your heart, and ask him to come into your marriage and lead the ship. In Genesis 18:14 It says “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” Of course there is nothing! I will pray for you Geneva that God gives you strength to go through this with victory.
Having heart to heart conversations strengthens our marriage. Make him a nice dinner and tell him you need to talk with him. Be gentle, sincere, and respectful when you talk (if you have children arrange a sitter or make sure they are asleep). Tell him how it is and what you think of your marriage, but tell him you want to make it work and describe him what you think is a healthy marriage. Ask him questions that you’ve been wanting to ask ( some examples are “What caused us to be where we are now”, “What area do I need to improve in,” “what do you NEED from me.” ) I personally often get defensive, which is like adding coal to fire. Let him talk…you want to know what he is thinking.
Start doing small cute things for him (if you’re not already) such as making him Coffee or breakfast in the morning, warming his PJ’s in the dryer before bed, touching him often, but spread it out. It can be rubbing his back for 5 sec, grabbing his hand and giving him a kiss, cleaning out his car, telling him he’s cute…just be his girlfriend. These things are free but they mean so much to a man. Don’t do any of it, unless it’s from the heart. He will feel it. Men want to be respected and appreciated.
I’m almost done. Please bare with me. Men are also very visual. Before he comes home, take a shower, brush or re-brush your teeth, do your hair simply but neat, and put something that’s nice. It doesn’t have to be a dress or something drastic. It could be jeans, with a feminine top. Put some bronzer and blush on for a healthy glow. Put yourself in his shoes. Ask yourself what would I want to see or hear from my wife.
Geneva if I could I would give you a long hug right now. I am not a pro when it comes to marriage, this is just advice coming from someone who has been married only six years. I don’t know it all..this is just what I THINK I would do if it were to happen to me. Wish you the best.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I haven’t been praying much and I know that I need to do that every day for my husband. He is longing for my respect and I also need to pray that God will allow me to find things to respect about my husband. Its been hard. I don’t know about any addictions right now, but it has been a problem in the past, so it’s a concern. Please keep me in your prayers, as we are making a big cross country move soon and I will without a support system. (This was a big desire of his and I allowed him to make the decision for the family to move). I am praying for Gods will for our family and for my husbands salvation and desire to put God first in his life.
Geneva, I know it’s been a few months since these comments were posted, but I couldn’t help but offer some encouragement. I hope your heart, your husband and your marriage are in a better place now than they were a few months ago!
I just had a book title I thought I’d pass along, as it helped me IMMENSELY in terms of respecting my husband, specifically finding things about him that I find respectable. It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of focusing on all the things you wish you could change about your husband.
“The Fruit of Her Hands” by Nancy Wilson is a fantastic book. In the first chapter, she suggests writing a respect letter to your husband; not a love letter, a respect letter. It sounds strange, but for me, it really helped me to finally notice all the respectable qualities my husband has. Before I wrote my letter, I started making a list about the things I respect about my husband. At first, it took some time, but once I started writing, more and more things kept coming to mind! Once you start looking for his respectable qualities, it’s easy to spot more and more. Men crave respect, and my husband really appreciated the letter. It brought tears to his eyes!
If you are still struggling with respecting him (what wife doesn’t struggle with that? I know I do!), I would HIGHLY recommend that book. It is one of my all-time favorites.
Sorry to ramble on so much! Praying that God will soften your husband’s heart and give you the strength to be a godly wife to him!
So sorry Geneva. Been there. I have a wonderful husband, but we went many years where intimacy was almost nonexistant. I was so dejected and sad, but God in His mercy sustained me. He had an addiction issue that took a long time to work through (for him and me). But keep praying. Be forgiving no matter how hurt you are. I am happy to report that our relationship is healed and we are expecting our second child. Don’t give up, and don’t give in to discouragement.
As you deal with this topic this month, any chance you can address the specific difficulties surrounding pregnancy and the newborn months? Hormones can tend to effect enthusiasm in this area even when your heart is willing.
“Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome read for understanding men’s and women’s needs in this area. Very blunt and direct but helps me to get past the “sex is dirty” mentality that I think a lot of us struggle with. Sex within marriage can be beautiful music! Thanks for this post Michele!
Ha! Perfect timing – been challenged in that area lately, what with having a baby and toddler, trying to be a wahm – a wannabe mummy (where my ‘name’ comes from!), intimacy with hubby has been left on the back burner…
Ooo la la! I will get on that :]
Wonderful, Michele.
Right on, Gal!
Perfect and timely post. I want this Valentines Day to be Muy Caliente!!!
The activated charcoal sounds interesting to me, I’ve never tried that! The crisis calm sounds like a good one too.