By MerWing*Little Dear
This post is brought to you by monthly contributor, Vina Barham.
As mothers, we look after our husband and children’s well being on a daily basis. And quite often, we’re guilty of forgetting to tend to our own. We’re quite capable of going without for a long period of time and running on reserves until crankiness and all sorts of foul mood start to seep in.
I for one, sometimes forget to eat lunch. Seriously, right? How in the world does one forget to eat lunch? I mean, sometimes I snack all day but there are days when I suddenly notice how light-headed I’m feeling. And that a simple remedy would be to eat something! Or perhaps we go for days without taking a break for ourselves. Or go for an entire day without taking time for ourselves to recharge.
But it is exactly that we are the nurturers and keepers of our family’s well-being that we need to be vigilant about taking care of ourselves. We can’t give what we do not have. We are called to serve out of fullness and wellness, not out of a sense of obligation and martyr-like service.
Here are some ways I’ve found helpful in making sure I am able to take care of myself:
- Schedule a Time Out For Yourself. I am an introvert. And I’ve realized that I need half a day to myself during the week if I am going to thrive as a work-at-home mom. Before, our weekends were mostly family-time and were filled with social events. But we’ve worked it out so my husband takes my daughter out for a chunk of time in the weekend and I get to do whatever fills me up and breathes me Life. And it’s been a guaranteed refreshment for my soul. I’m then ready to start the week with a full cup.
- Write a Mommy Time Out Menu. The very first day that my husband took our daughter out for a daddy date and I had blocks of free time on my hands, I honestly did not know what to do with myself. Although I badly needed recharging, I was not used to spending so much time just for me. Since then, I’ve made a list of Mommy Time Out Menu in which I write a list of things that I know would recharge me back to Life. Make sure that you dig deep in the Word of God as your number one priority on this list. Remember…a true woman is tethered to the Word. (Thanks to Lisa from The Well Grounded Life! for the idea!)
- Incorporate Quick Life-Giving Remedies in Your Schedule. Read the Bible. A daily devotional. Get fresh air everyday. Go out for a walk as often as you can. Bring nature in your house. Talk with your girlfriends. Walk barefoot. Pray. Read. Listen to music. Or an inspiring podcast. Smile. Take a bath. Put on clothes that bring out the best in you. Wear your hair down (or put it up!). Hug your spouse. The list can go on.
- Figure Out How to Do What You Love at Home with Your Family. I love to dance, read, and go out for a walk or a run. I make every effort to do these things with my daughter (and this can apply to our spouses too!), in order that I am able to share my passions with her and she gets to see me do things that I’m really good at, things that make me come alive, things that help me feel the pleasure of God. If what you love seems incompatible with your life at home, think again. You might just find the best absolute bonding moment with your children when you share your passions with them.
- Ask for help. If your day is starting to go really bad and you are in dire need for a break, ask for help. Tell your spouse. Ask your relatives or friends. Tell a trusted friend. Find a way to get the help you need. It’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign of being human.
- Practice gratitude, regardless of the situation. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of perspective. And giving thanks in all things is a practice in acceptance. Some people call it living in the moment, but on a much deeper level, it’s contentment fleshed out. Sometimes, I really feel the drudgery of the day to day tasks of what I do. And it is in that moment when I most need to practice gratitude. Because it is then that I am able to open up to new possibilities and new way of doing things. In accepting what is, I can then make space for the change that I need to happen.
What about you? Any other ideas to add to this list? I would love to hear how you take care of yourself. You need it, mama!
THANK-YOU so much for this article. I hit a breaking point last week when I was exhausted, had had no time to myself, was drained, house was a mess, I looked awful, and needed time alone. I took it out on my husband. He pointed out that he was happy to schedule some time to care for our 1-year-old specifically so that I could have some time by myself on a regular basis, but I had never asked. Oh! Thank you thank you thank you for this post.
Thank you so much for this. Just this weekend I’ve been incredibly crabby and unpleasant to be around; my husband has been incredibly patient but I think the main source (aside from other life circumstances) is that I’m not making sure I get time to be filled up. I’m also an introvert and really need time alone to get recharged. Thank you for letting me see this is a godly need, not a selfish one.
One of my husband’s aunts gave me a gift card to a women’s clothing store several years ago for Christmas. I guess she figured if she gave something else, somehow it would wind up being spent on the kids and/or hubby! *lol*
I was surprised that this site was mostly subscribed to by young mothers. Women generally are conditioned to care and nurture others before themselves from an early age. As the eldest in my family I was expected to be responsible not just for my siblings but also for my mother, Consequently it was not until I was 35 that I began to wonder what this life was all about and exactly who I was. I knew I was my mother’s daughter, my husband’s wife and my children’s mother. I was also a neighbour and a friend, but who was I? The next few years was spent finding out. One of the guiding events was created by an anointing by the Holy Spirit which lead to my becoming a new born Christian. The other was a little book called House Into Home, giving ideas on how to create a loving atmosphere, with the choice of a few small objects. At the time my ex-husband was inclined to find the grass greener on the other side, so we were often in the throes of moving house. This book helped me to make a cardboard box into an attractive centre piece just by draping it in a cloth and adding a bunch of wild flowers and a candle! A chocolate cake by the fire and a couple of cushions to sit on, and you had the makings of home. Another extremely useful tip was to always take something special that you value for comfort with you on holiday or when you go on long journeys. For example, your own pillow, a photo of a loved one, and a vase for flowers. Any place you found yourself in immediately was transformed into your own space. And that is what home-making is about – your own space. Another tip I picked up on the way is that you never commit suicide on a full stomach. My mother always sat at a properly laid table, complete with lighted candle and a glass of wine, even when living alone. She lived until she was 90! I am 81 now, and I can recommend taking a day off, every week. The busiest time for a home-maker is the weekend when everyone is demanding attention, so I used to take Wednesday as my weekend, and go up to town, have lunch out, even with my babies, and sometimes go to the afternoon cinema. I used to do voluntary work too, and later on when the kids were teens I did a university course. I got a BA degree when I was 57! Another very useful tip is to be fanatical about grooming yourself. Make sure you spend time on caring for your body, having luxuriating showers or baths, smothering your skin in moisturising creams and lotions and love yourself to bits. Do yoga or palates, discover muscles you never knew you had. Meditate and discover the secret place in your heart, look and listen to what is around you in the great outdoors. Watch the wild life, feel the soil, grow something, notice the seasons and the sky. Remember what it felt like to be a baby and sink into the peaceful bliss of just looking up at the sky. You are allowed rewards, You are allowed to love yourself because if you don’t how can you love others? I realise many mothers today also have full time jobs, so the most important job of all is to make sure everyone is fed. A friend of mine used to bake on a Saturday enough food for the whole week. I lived in New Zealand and every good mother had tins full of cake and home made goodies, bottles of fruit, freezers full of home cooked pies and stews. It just takes a bit of organising but its worth it. So now I am an old lady, how do I look after myself? If you would like to know, visit my facebook.
What a great article!! I have a hard time taking care of myself and often pay for it. I always feel best when I am eating right, and taking a break. I eat a lot of RAW VEGAN foods and find when I am focused on getting my green smoothies, etc. I feel great. It’s when I forget to eat meals because I am so busy tending to the kids that I feel sluggish and down. Thanks for the reminder of how important it is to take care of ourselves!
Immediate ways to recharge including:
1) Getting some sleep (my son is severely disabled and needs 24/7 care so I am up a lot at night). He needs help to turn over, diaper changes, medications, etc.
2) Eating good food for energy (green smoothie is my favorite). Being sleep impaired, I need the energy from food.
One of the biggest rechargers for me is getting out with my friends once in a while and having some good laughs. Since I am at home a lot, getting out of the house is huge. Connecting with friends really goes a long way for me although I don’t do it often enough, maybe every few months. I wrote a post earlier this year about being a mother/caregiver and how to take care of yourself so I echo many of the things you already mentioned regarding gratitude.
I also pray a lot when I am exhausted to get the strength to get me through the tough times when I am really tired after being up all night.
What a treat! When I opened this email, I was thrilled to see Vina as the guest writer– I had no idea you were a monthly columnist here, Vina– Now I KNOW this is an excellent site
Loved your ideas….and the basic premise as well– it is simply so necessary not only to fill up the cup for yourself, but for the model you give to your children.
I believe it was a comment you left on a post of mine, Vina…that you wanted to give out of abundance– such a beautiful way to put it.
And I’d add that the gift itself when given out of abundance vs a dry barren place is different.
You, YOU, are a gift! Thanks for the post (and humbly, for the mention).
It’s breakfast I forget! I forget the bathroom too or I’ll say “I’ll just do one more thing and then I’ll go,” and then inevitably someone has a dirty diaper and then someone spills something and on and on.
My parents, who I cannot thank enough, take 4 of my kids for an entire day during the week! (My oldest is in school). I still have a hard time relaxing though. I need to come up with a Time Out Menu because I feel like I’m running a race most days and then suddenly I have time to do whatever I want and I have no idea what to do with myself.
I recently read Proverbs 31 again and I was struck by the fact that she made tapestry for herself!
Lovely post, Vina and I can so relate to not knowing what to do with the free time when we finally have it. I, for one, have carved out my work schedule to fit my toddler’s waking and nap times. I wake up really early and write till when she wakes up. Then I’m just there for her and my husband. She takes a nap in the afternoon and that’s when I write again. Writing is what destresses me, gives me joy and allows me to connect with like-minded moms and get support as well. So, I choose to do it. There are days, however, when I might not write but bake instead, another one of my favorites.
The idea is to do something that I truly, deeply enjoy. That, for me, is time well-spent.
Thanks for sharing your lovely ideas.
I agree with Jocelyn. We make all of our kids lay down from 2pm to 5pm on Sunday evenings. I make myself rest or either read a good book that I need to finish. I might plan our menus or something productive, but not stressful. This is my day to refresh.
Thanks for this post. The ideas presented were very helpful and I plan to put them to use!
Such true words! After learning the hard way at times, I’ve done much better in releasing responsibilities and asking for help. Sometimes that has meant hiring help or simply being accepting of those who offer.
I too try to incorporate little blessing throughout the day, such as pausing for a cup of hot tea (though this doesn’t always happen)! The importance of Sabbath cannot be underestimated, scheduling out times and moments of basking in simple rest. For a day or throughout the day.
Grace to all as we seek to care for ourselves….
I agree wholeheartedly, but some of us just don’t have anyone to ask, even when we KNOW we need that time alone. I had three babies in 36 months, and they are still under the age of four. I know what burnt-out feels like, believe me. My husband is wonderful, but works 12 and 16 hour shifts, so I do a lot of single parenting. My parents are no help, and my few friends live too far away. I feel very lonely, isolated, and overwhelmed. Add to that extreme sleep deprivation from 2 terrible sleepers (or should I say non-sleepers), a little post-partum depression, and chronic illness, and some days, I get up wondering how I will make it to bedtime. I would love some alone time. What do we do when there is no one to bless us with that?
Lisa, I’m sorry you are so overwhelmed right now! Are you involved in a local church? You could see what kind of opportunities they might offer. For example, my church has a ladies’ Bible study on Tuesday mornings that includes free childcare. If your church is too small to support that, look around your area for a big church that does. Lots of the ladies in my study don’t attend my church, but they are still welcome! Then, once a month there is parent’s night out on a Friday where you can leave the kids from 5-10pm for a very reasonable rate (I think it’s $8 per kid, $20 family max here, but your area may vary). Or can you afford a Mother’s Morning Out program? If cost is a problem, maybe you could ask your parents to give you money towards that for Christmas, since they can’t help you in other ways? Or look for a college student in your area who might come to your house for a few hours each week.
Or maybe you have already looked at and exhausted suggestions like these. Ask God for what you need. I will be praying for you this week.
Lisa,
I feel for you! This is definitely a difficult and exhausting time. I experienced a similar situation with my first child. It was tough. So I know it must be hard with 3!
There were times when I wondered how I would make it through. I prayed God would help my baby sleep – but she never did!
Try hard to remember that this is just a season.It will pass. I know that may not be very comforting right now. But it does help a little.
Don’t expect too much from yourself. Do your best and look around for help. Use paper plates for a while too. It’s OK! Don’t beat yourself up for things you can’t get done that don’t really matter
Saying a prayer for you!
Hang in there,
Stacy
Aw, Lisa. I feel for you! I had two non-sleepers as well. I will be praying for you.
Lisa, I can totally relate to you. My husband is unavailable often, I have two kids under 3, an 18 month old who still wakes up a couple times a night, and a new baby on the way with morning sickness. I have no family to ask for help due to location, or strained, unhealthy relationships!
We recently moved so I don’t have any close friends to ask. YOu are not alone. I keep reminding myself God is with me, and that this is just a season in life that will pass.
SABBATH. Keep it holy. It does wonders for your body and soul.
XOXO
Joce
Jocelyn…
We take a Sabbath day as a family one day a week (not Sundays, since hubby works at church on Sundays). I find as an introvert, a family Sabbath day is not always restful because i am still caring for two little ones and even hubby. I like the idea of a half day to myself. Do you have any recommendations for Sabbathing (hmmm, is that a word?) with small children who LOVE constant interaction? They have a couple of quiet times in their room, but they are definitely extroverts and look forward to Sabbath so they can play with us as much as possible.
thanks, sara
SO true! Great post that many mama’s need to hear.
I also take a few hours during the weekend, and I’ve come to cherish that time! It really does make me a better mama/wife. And I’ve also quit doing household chores/napping during the children’s rest times – I want to be fully aware and engaged of the precious moments I have just to be ‘me’ a little each day.
~h
I am a major introvert as well! If I don’t get to rest during the day, I get worn out and eventually break down because I’m so burnt out mentally and emotionally. My daughters take a nap together every afternoon, so I get an hour or two then, and then they go to bed around 7pm so my husband and I get our together time. Even that is not enough, but it is enough for me to hold on to sanity for another day.
I’ve discovered a couple important things about my alone time. One, I do not do housework or other chores during my short time alone. Secondly, I don’t nap, even though everyone says I should. If I nap when they do, then whenever I’m awake, the kids are, and I don’t get that much-needed break.
Good post, Vina. I have discussed with my husband my NEED to carve out more time for myself this year (and over the next decade!) and have begun booking massages (two/month), joined a woman’s book club (once/mos meeting) and still try and get out for coffees or walks with a friend once in a while. I found, however, that sometimes these things just end up feeling like one more obligation or event to get through… not necessarily as refreshing as I’d assumed. Surely it is because of my introverted nature. I am discovering that what makes me most happy is to occasionally “drop out of life” for a few days: stay home, putting around, reading, feeding my family but not going anywhere or seeing people outside of my family. It seems like if I don’t purposefully take this time then I end up getting sick so I am forced to do so.
I think it is equally important that we encourage our hardworking husbands to carve out time for themselves to relax. They need this as much as we do.
I’m really glad I’m not the only one who forgets to eat lunch.
I love your last tidbit about being grateful no matter the circumstances. I feel like I get in a rut at times of feeling like I’m suffocating in my life, when really, I have so very much to be thankful for. Thank you for reminding me. Blessings.
I’ll admit that I was one of those women who never took care of herself. As a classic Type A, I went from being a full time homemaking mom to full time student and then full time RN. And all the while, my health slowly declined until illness forced me to leave my career and return home. I feel that God stepped in and used my terrible health to convince me to finally slow down.
Now that I’m recovering from chronic illness and subsequent surgery, I find that I am forced to take care of myself. For the first time in my life, I’m not putting pressure on myself to be perfect or to always be accomplishing something. I’m learning to let each day unfold and to determine what exactly is essential and what isn’t.
I can no longer afford regular massages, facial, and pedicures when I need to relax. But I can close my eyes and really enjoy my hot shower rather than rushing to get ready for work. I can take long walks and really look at the trees and flowers as I pass by, sit on the porch and soak up the sun during my quiet time, savor a cup of hot herbal tea, light a pumpkin scented candle, close my eyes and be still, or sit under my bonnet hair dryer after I was my hair (the most relaxing memories of my childhood involved a bonnet hair dryer!).
Most of all, I can remember to be grateful that God has allowed me to be home again. This is the place where my heart has always been; just having the luxury of enough time to bake a loaf of homemade bread nurtures my soul.
I love how you say “work-at-home mom” instead of “stay-at-home mom”! Sounds much more accurate.
A couple things I do to take care of myself are to make sure that I get some time alone every day (during the kids’ naps) and to put the kids to bed by 8:00 p.m. to ensure that my husband and I get some time to ourselves each day. It’s amazing what a little “off-duty” time does for the well-being of a mom!
Quite a theme in the comments so far…so many of us mothers feel incapable at times of asking for help! I am the worst about waiting until I’ve “Had it up to here!” before demanding that my husband help me with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When truly, he would’ve helped me out far earlier and it wouldn’t have gotten to that point…had I just asked.
Rising early in the morning, before my little girl wakes up is one of the biggest improvements that I have made. I need that time in the morning to have a cup of tea, talk to God and be alone to collect my thoughts before the day begins.
Thanks for the post that obviously, many of us need!
Can’t wait to come back later and see what suggestions are here. I need particular guidance in this area!
What a great list, funny you say sometimes forget to eat lunch, I sometimes forget to go to the bathroom, when I get so absorbed caring for my girls.
Great suggestions! The one I am probably the worst at is asking for help. Not an easy thing to do.
I wrote this about this post on facebook:
Great blog post! I can relate to this quote “I had blocks of free time on my hands, I honestly did not know what to do with myself”.
I never know what to do when the house is empty, happened once in the past….oh….I have no idea how long ago that was!
Oooh, this part is great…..so true. “Incorporate Quick Life-Giving Remedies in Your Schedule. Read the Bible. A daily devotional. Get fresh air everyday. Go out for a walk as often as you can. Bring nature in your house. Talk with your girlfriends. Walk barefoot. Pray. Read. Listen to music. Or an inspiring podcast. Smile. Take a bath. Put on clothes that bring out the best in you. Wear your hair down (or put it up!). Hug your spouse. The list can go on.” The part that says ask for help is something I am severely guilty of NOT doing. Being the mommy I feel like I AM the help and have no right to ask for it. But I do desperately need it at times…
I know that God led me to your post tonight! I have had a rough day, with a stomach flu and a 3 year old, 17 month old, and a new puppy! As a result of all of my stressers today, I was so ungraceful towards my kids and now that they are asleep, I sit here regretting my snappy tone. Your post said that we must put time in the Word first. I know that I need to be in the Word in the beggining of my day each day, so that He can give me strength even when it feels impossible to get through the day. Also, even though I so badly wanted to ask for help today from family, I didn’t because I figured this is my job and I should do it. When I saw the title for your post on facebook then read it, it helped me realize that time for myself or asking for help isn’t a bad thing! Very encouraging thank you!
This was a great post. I have this issue at times, but I have learned to balance in some me time when I need it. My husband is very great and supportive about it as well. I’ll usually take a hot bath, drink some herbal tea, listen to classical music and just reflect. Writing/keeping a journal has helped me a lot as well. I only have one child- a 26 month old son, but between everything in our lives and his Autism therapies, I get wiped out.
Great post, again!!!