Addie asked: I was wondering where you fall on the baby wise-demand feeding continuum. What is your secret to finding a routine, but still following your intuition to hold them when they are upset? How do you care for your home, your children, and your health?
There are two different camps when it comes to infant routines and the basics of parenting, and both have led to confusion, frustration, and contention among friends and family. Some have defined the attachment approach to be the truly biblical manner of parenting because it demonstrates God’s love for his children with the practices of demand feeding, co-sleeping, infant wearing, etc. While others have said that adopting a schedule (the baby wise, scheduled feedings, cry-it out camp) is important to training your children to understand authority in their lives and good routine helps them thrive and grow while helping to establish that the child is not the center of the world. I don’t believe it is right to say one way is right and the other way is wrong…or that one way is more biblical than the other. This is certainly a liberty issue and we have freedom in Christ to determine the best pattern for our family structures. I am here today to share where the Lord has led us…a balance between the two.
I have one wonderful mother who falls on the scheduling side, and one wonderful mother-in-law who falls on the attachment parenting/co-sleeping side, so both my husband and I have experienced being raised by these two different camps. And you know what? There honestly is no difference between us in our levels of security, strength of relationship with our parents, or any thing else. We both grew up fully secure in our parent’s love and both family’s were happy with the routines they adopted. Although I was taught to cry it out in learning how to go to sleep, I did not feel in any way deprived from my parent’s love and affection (in fact, I am extremely blessed with a close relationship with my parents).
I say this because I want to assure every new mother out there that there is complete grace for your situation to adopt what you feel led to practice. Don’t feel guilty if you chose a more flexible on demand approach. Don’t feel guilty if you throw in the towel on co-sleeping because its stressing your marriage, as there are plenty of more opportunities to invest in your child’s well-being, physiological development, and bonding then just sleeping together with them. Adopting either of these practices will not make you a better parent. And you need not feel like a failure if either/or does not work for your family.
I love many of the ideas of attachment parenting. I love the vision of bonding with baby by being closely knitted to them through breastfeeding. I adore wearing my baby on me throughout the day with baby wraps and carriers, and cuddling up with their sweet little heads close to my heart. But I don’t practice co-sleeping, and I don’t practice demand feeding 100% of the time.
I also love many of the ideas of Baby Wise and scheduling (my mom gave me a copy of My First 300 Babies which also helped encourage a scheduled feeding/sleeping approach). I love a good simple routine. I love knowing approximately when baby will sleep and when he/she will be awake. I love having a simple plan for our feedings, so that the other responsibilities in life would fall into place. This mommy believes in the importance of sleep so she can care for her family and household to the best of her abilities. My babies are joyful and happy when they have good regular nap and bed times.
But, I don’t believe these practices are more biblical or look down on anyone who chooses another option. We are called to strive for the unity of the body, to love one another, to support and encourage each other.
So what have we chosen to do? First off, we have chosen not to practice co-sleeping.
We function on these principles…
Our marriage is our first priority.
Above all, we want to preserve the marriage bed as a sacred place for my husband and I. We want our children to understand that our marriage is a priority. When children become center stage, it is too easy for a marriage to lack growth because no time is spent together. We believe our children need to understand that there are boundaries. We need privacy to build our marriage in our communication and sexual interaction. The last thing we need is the fear of waking a child.
“Children are not more important than God – or our husbands. For their own well-being and the well-being of your marriage, children must understand that they come after your spouse. They need to know they fit into a secure place within an established set of relationships.” -Jean Fleming
Sleep is a priority for my health and emotional/physical well-being.
I have experienced the harm of being sleep-deprived for extended periods of time when I battled insomnia for 1 1/2 years. In order to be a wife and mother that is alive and well and can effectively manage the responsibilities under my care, I need to strive to get a reasonable amount of sleep each night. Yes, it may be interrupted by little ones, but with a routine and separate bed situation, they are able to start sleeping through the night far earlier. I have also found that they sleep longer and more contentedly in their own sleeping environment. Our little ones have learned to sleep through the night naturally at 6-7 weeks in their own beds, which I am extremely thankful for.
Ultimately, in making the decision whether or not to co-sleep, please make sure you prayerfully discuss it with your husband to make sure you are on the same page. The last thing you would want to do is cause a divide in your marriage because he thinks otherwise. Remember to honor your husbands for the well being of your family.
Where Do Our Babies Sleep?
So, for about the first few week or so, baby will be snuggled in with us in bed as Mommy recovers, but will transition to a moses style bassinet by 2 weeks. We then have the baby nearby in our room with until they around about 2-3 months old (and normally sleeping through the night by this point). Then our babies sleep in our closet until they grow out of the bassinet and are consistently sleeping through the night (around 10 months to 1 year). This way we have a bit more privacy, but I can easily hear if the baby awakes and needs assistance. By 1 year old, we transition them to a crib and place them together in the same room with our other children.
More to come…
COMMENT POLICY: As this can be a controversial subject, please keep your comments considerate. We do not desire any argument or debate here. We are simply seeking to help those readers who have asked.
Thanks so much for an informative blog. I’ve been searching for this kind of information for a long time now.
Thank you. We tried scheduling our first son, and it never worked with him. When we decided to feed or second on demand, he fell into a schedule quite naturally. We expected to be caring for our third newborn at this point, but she was still born full term at the end of January, so in the midst of our grieving, at the exhortation of godly friends, are trying to “make the most” of this time without an infant to get a better grasp on parenting and homemaking routines. I really appreciate your insight on this. I find so much encouragement and support in your writing.
You’re right that this is a contentious issue amoungs parents. I disagree that co-sleeping necessariy interferes with intamacy. The fear of waking a sleeping baby is there no matter if the baby is in the same room or not.
My 18-month old daughter has sleep mostly in our bed since birth. Around 9 months we started moving her into her crib once she was asleep and then, when she wakes up to nurse, she comes in bed with us for the rest of the night. We have become more creative about finding time for “mommy and daddy alone time” but really, anyone with kids does : ).
Sleep is also very important to me to function at my job outside the home and inside. We chose to co-sleep in part because it gave me the chance for more sleep, not less. My daughter sleeps longer and better when she is near us. In fact there are studies that show nursing, co-sleeping mothers actually get more and better sleep than those with babies who sleep in another room. (see kellymom.com for more info).
As a working-outside-the-home mom, I find schedules for my daugher very difficult to maintain, as she is in a different environment during the week vs the weekend. She’s with a sitter 3 days a week, daycare 2 days a week and with me/ my husband 2 days a week. In all situations she falls asleep differently, stays asleep for different periods of time and sleeps at different times of day. Perhaps if I was her sole caregiver I could maintain a schedule like you mention, but it won’t work for us if I work : ).
I agree that each family needs to find what works for best for it to function.
I personally believe each child is different. With my first I did not breast feed partly because of health issues, mostly mine and some of his. I co-slept in some way with all three of them. The first in the same bed the other two in the same room in a bassinet. All three of my children slept through the night around one month old. The first time it happened I jumped out of bed and grabbed him thinking something was wrong. My daughter pretty much put herself on a schedule, and has been that way for the past 12 years(personality wise). She woke at 6 am changed, feed, bath, dressed, played, fed, nap by 8:30-9.00 am. Up at 11 am change, feed, play/outings, feed, afternoon nap by 2-2:30. Up by 4 change, feed, family time feed bed by 8 pm. She dictated this schedule, at first she woke around 11pm and 3am for another feeding and change, but as she grew older she missed the 3am feedings. My two boys were far different than that! Feedings at random sleeping when ever. You have to learn how to roll with the punches. No one way is right for everyone. Trust yourself. Mothers, in my opinion, know in their heart what is best for their children. The oldest one had health problems and I had to figure out what was best for us all. Sleeping in our bed was the right thing for us. It allowed for taking care of his issues and getting rest for all involved. He is now almost 18 and a well adjusted young man.
I had 3 children in 4 years. One of my top priorities as a stay-at-home mom was to get everybody to nap at the same time. To aid the process I played the same CD* evey afternoon at nap time (gentle instrumental). I wasn’t strict with the exact time, but tried to plan any outings or naps so the children would wake by 3:00, that way not up too late at night.
They layed down to rest /nap every afternoon until 6 years old. Little ones slept, “big” kids could look at books on their bed for an hour then quietly get up (when the CD was over) if they wanted to. Sounds simple, but the routine worked- all in the same room. I could rest (pregnant or tired), work with homeschooling needing full concentration, return calls or power clean. Our home was very peaceful, not just becuse of naps but because well rested children are a joy to be around.
Now they’re teenagers. We joke that the CD still makes them sleepy…although now pumped through an iPod and earphones occasionally
Young Moms—stick to it—napping is an investment that pays ever mamber of the family profound returns. (*Winter Solstice by Windham Artists)
I just wanted to point out that you do co-sleep, Lindsay.
According to James McKenna, the leading researcher on Mother-Infant sleep, room sharing is a form of co-sleeping. Bed-sharing is what most people think of when someone says co-sleeping.
I agree you need to find what works for you.
For those interested in co-sleeping (and you may be surprised about the benfits when you don’t even share a bed) google James McKenna mother infant sleep.
AMazing research!
Plus, for those that bed share, great science about how to do it safely and the benefits.
God Bless!
As an API leader, I appreciate your mention of Dr. McKenna’s research! I love to see other people encouraged to read his incredible work!
I agree with just about everything you said! We did about the same with our first (and so far only)… co-slept in bed part or all of the night the first few weeks, then began gradually shifting to more and more of the night in the side car bassinet. At 5 months, I moved him to a crib at the side of the bed, and then he moved to his own room (across the hall) at 10 1/2 months. We didn’t do crying before naps really before 8 – 9 months, and then only when he was really tired and I KNEW he needed to go down. We just took things gradually and tried to be sensitive to what the Holy Spirit would have us do, and I had to learn to stop being so anxious and fretting about every detail! They have rough days, teething or developmental phases, etc, but babies eventually sleep better than they did the first few months. It’s just a matter of time, patience and gently setting the ground rules for healthy sleep patterns.
You know, I hear of all these women whose cycles didn’t or don’t return for months after thier baby is born….. I was not one of those women lol. With both of my babies I had the normal after birth bleeding for about 2 1/2 weeks and then stopped and got my normal cycle 27 days late. Even though I exclussively breast fed both … ds for nine months and dd for eighteen months …. I was always regular and never missed or was late. I have always secretly envied those women who are cycle free for months
Re: fertility & breastfeeding…
“Exclusive breastfeeding (by itself) is 98-99.5% effective in preventing pregnancy as long as all of the following conditions are met:
01. Your baby is less than six months old
02. Your menstrual periods have not yet returned
03. Baby is breastfeeding on cue (both day & night), and gets nothing but breastmilk or only token amounts of other foods.”
” If you practice ecological breastfeeding:
Chance of pregnancy is practically zero during the first three months, less than 2% between 3 and 6 months, and about 6% after 6 months (assuming mom’s menstrual periods have not yet returned).
The average time for the return of menstrual periods is 14.6 months.”
Ecological breastfeeding defined: “keeping baby close, breastfeeding on cue (day and night), using breastfeeding to comfort your baby, breastfeeding in a lying-down position for naps and at night, using no bottles or pacifiers.”
http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/fertility/
While I am not seeking to make anyone feel that they must do ecological nursing, if you are not practicing any method of child spacing, like us, it may be wise to understand the consequences of differing methods.
I’m writing this with a gentle spirit … sleeping through the night doesn’t necessarily mean the parent’s methods mean *anything!*
We’ve tried many things with our four children, and honestly our babies don’t sleep through the night unless they are at least one year old, and even then, two of ours didn’t sleep through the night until they weaned at around 18 months.
I’m only saying this to reduce guilty feelings in moms who think maybe another method might be the key to sleeping. It might, but it might not, and if it doesn’t work, moms don’t need to feel that they’ve been doing something wrong.
Great post thank you! My first baby was raised on the schedule/crib method while my second baby was raised with the attachment parenting/co-sleeping approach. Both little boys are different today. However, I’d say the parenting method chosen was a result of their personalities – rather than say their personalities are a result of the parenting method chosen. Although I will say that it wasn’t until I caved and tried the cry-it-out-method with my second that I was finally able to sleep through the night at 15 months!! Now that we have a newborn in the house, I struggle with the decision – which one is best? I think I’m with you – the answer lies somewhere in between. Thank you for this post – this is very helpful as I figure out what is best for our new baby!
You promote natural living… co sleeping promotes night nursing. Night nursing is known to keep ovulation/cycles away. This is a very natural way to space and prevent pregnancy. Just a thought, not a criticism.
This is certainly a generalization though. I have only one friend who has practiced demand feeding that actually did not have cycles between children and were spaced nicely. I personally have nursed my babies as needed, including night nursing when they wake up, and my cycles have always started around 4 months. A lot of people say this is the natural way to go and yes, it may work for some…but certainly not all.
I can’t imagine that I’m much different then others or maybe I am..LOL! With all 6 of my children, my cycles did not return until night nursing was cut out or they were completely weaned. The longest I have gone without a period is just over 2 years…after we cut out night nursing. She was eating 3 meals a day, had snacks and didn’t nurse much during the day usually just to take a nap. Even with my oldest (he’s 18 now) who I didn’t EBF, my cycles did not return until he completely weaned from BF at 7 months.
Same here… I demand fed, sometimes every 45 – 1 hr during the day and several times at night (and co slept earlier the first month) and my cycle started up at 3 1/2 months PP. Everyone is different.
Exactly the same for me. Cycle return at 3 1/2 month. nursing on demand.
We lost our first baby at birth, so I obviously wasn’t nursing after that. My cycle returned at 3 1/2 months. I was fertile at 6 months, exactly the same as when I was nursing exclusively & on demand post the birth of my other 4 children.
I’m surprised that you expect your babies to sleep through the night so early while you are nursing. I too have struggled with low milk supply and have found it important to nurse during the night to help establish/maintain a good milk supply.
I think you approached this topic in such a kind, thoughtful and Christ-like way – I really appreciate that!! Excellent job : )
Personally, we tend towards routine/sleep than feed on demand/no crying etc. However I am now a breastfeeding peer counselor and know it is VERY important for breastfeeding moms to understand growth spurts and cluster feeding. Your body needs that extra stimulation to keep up with the baby’s growth – it is not spoiling them to respond by putting them to the breast every time!! I realize with my first baby I thought I needed to make her stretch to “3 hours” and in hindsight realize she was not getting enough. Not responding to your baby at these times could compromise their health/growth. ALSO I recently attended a perinatal conference that focused on the invaluable benefits of a baby remaining close to it’s mother in the first weeks. Dr. Nils Bergman – it was fascinating.
I very much enjoy your blog. I’ve always been glad you had NOT mentioned this issue much. I prefer not to share blogs with friends when I believe sleeping advice will cause moms to have a low milk supply. The first six weeks are crucial to establishing a good supply, and schedule feeding at that early age does much to weaken supply even if it appears supply is fine AT THAT MOMENT. Long-term supply is established in the first six weeks.
I do not oppose flexible routines after 12 weeks but I think they need to be VERY, VERY flexible depending on mom’s milk capacity and the baby’s ability to nurse effectively.
Babies who have reflux need to eat smaller, more frequent meals. BW would be a nightmare for such a baby. Perhaps that’s what bothers me so much about the tone in BW….it does not seem to mention that individual mom/baby combos have individual needs.
Since you did not maintain a full supply with your first two children, I wonder how much was due to your choice of encouraging sleep over night nursing…….I’m glad you seem more flexible as you add children to your family.
I totally agree – I wish I knew all of this with both my babies!! I thought they were supposed to “last longer” before feedings – had no idea how milk supply worked.
“Milk capacity” — great term. I do wonder if some moms have more capacity, thus more milk for baby to take in one nursing session.
Thank you so much for posting this. I feel like a failure when I try to adhere to either school of thought. We are somewhere in between the two as well. We have a loose schedule, but rarely is it the same 2 days in a row. We follow the eat-play-sleep routine of babywise. No co-sleeping, but no crying it out either. Some baby wearing which sometimes results in a nap on me. I tend to over-stress about things, and this post gave me some reassurance that I really don’t need to!
lol we kind of ended up doing the opposite of this.. we coslept a bit the first week just because it felt natural to have her fall asleep on my chest at night.. but then LO was in a bassinet right next to me up until the 4 month mark.. the past few weeks though we have started co-sleeping as she was waking up EVERY SINGLE HOUR and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Now we both sleep better. Luckily my husband does not mind. Everyone has to find what works for them though!
I also just CANNOT do a schedule or even a routine or a bedtime lol
2 days a week she’s with grandma while I work
3 days a week I’m working at home with her
2 days a week are weekends and daddy is home
I couldn’t find a schedule that would work with all of that variety even if I wanted to – and I don’t – which is funny because I’m typically a very control-freak type person but when it comes to her I just chill.
I do have an app that you log feeding times, etc. and when it’s been at least 1.5 hours of awake time and she’s fussy I swaddle her up and lay her next to me on the couch or bed so she can nap. She’s a very happy & easygoing baby and can fall asleep anywhere and through any loud noises.
Sometimes I wish I had the typical “put baby to bed at 7pm and they sleep through the night to 7am” life but for the most part I would never actually want that. And sometimes I’M not even home until 7pm let alone my husband. My favorite time of day is the evening with the 3 of us hanging out on the couch watching TV and eating dinner together. She is with us all the time.
It’s all about finding what fits best into your life & family.
Haha. This sounds like our week exactly!
I really enjoyed this post! So nice to hear a common sense view point about this for a change! I am so sick of people criticising one another, or stickly so rigidly to one plan or lifestyle that it leaves no room for creativity or alteration. I don’t go by any one method personally, I just do whatever my baby seems to enjoy that my husband and I can work with. So far its working great, and I am finding motherhood to be a real joy.
Thank you so much for refering to both methods as good! In one of my mom facebook groups recently, there was a debate about whether or not you should do one or the other. And it left both parties feeling judged and wondering if they were doing something wrong.
I am a firm believer that when it comes to babies, you have to go with your gut, what you are comfortable with and what works for you, your family, and your babies.
I personally love the idea of cosleeping and baby wearing. But, I CANNOT sleep with a baby next to me. I have a hard enough time with them just in the room. I have been blessed with very good mommy ears.
I also thrive on a routine. Not a schedule… but just having a routine helps my day go SO much better. I still nurse when she’s hungry and lay her down when she’s tired, but just knowing when to expect those things helps me better plan my day. Which means I am calmer and a better mommy and wife. : )
I think I wrote your post Kjersti.
) I love the idea of co-sleeping as well in many ways, but I can not sleep with a baby in my room either. I have tried so many times. Also- the routine helps with unnecessary but common anxiety/tension about the tasks of the day ahead. I think having an idea of what to expect. Also– I tell my friends so often to listen to your mommy instincts…its huge. We were created as moms for a reason–and our wisdom from God must be accessed frequently. It’s so easy to get insecure with what we really feel like we need to do with OUR family, when we are seeing what other ppl are doing with theres. Why do we look to the left or the right?? Walk on with our path—learn from others—but enjoy where we are and what God has showed us!!
)
We just recently welcomed our son home through adoption (our 3rd child) and I am revisiting all these things AGAIN. You’d think i’d have it down the third time around. But….I dont!! My husband and I are just in open talks about it, and being willing to adapt to the situations at hand. It really is a neat place to be. One of the biggest things to me is to enjoy iour sweet boy—and that is a challenge for every parent that we MUST stay fixed on. This time is so precious and so short. It is such a gift and I dont want my stress to block out all my joy! Do what is best for your baby in the context of your family unit…and don’t over think everything!!
I really like that you listed the priorities that help guide you in your parenting, such as the need to preserve your marriage and need for sleep and privacy, etc. This is an important thing that is often overlooked in parenting guides. I always worry about the parents who live as though their children are the center of their world to the point that they ignore every other personal and relationship need in lieu of their children’s wants and desires. That is not healthy for the parents or the marriage. Children, most of all, need fully functioning parents who are secure in their own personal and marital health.
I’m not usually one to comment on blogs, but I wanted to thank you for this post. I have a five week old, and while he is not my first, he is my first by birth and I’ve struggled between the two camps as we are working through learning to breastfeed and sleep. This was so freeing to read. Thanks!
I am in almost complete agreement with your view on this. I am always so saddened when moms in each camp get angry about at the opposing views.
I have a question for you. My LO is almost 6 months old and he still sleeps in our room. I have his crib set up in there because he moves too much to be in a bassinet. I really don’t like this arrangement. My older son is 2.5 and has his own room. So my question is how do you transition your babies to sleeping together? I know you said around a year so I have a little while to go I suppose. I was just wondering what has worked for you.
I’m not Lindsay but in my experience the answers to the following questions would help determine how I went about putting my children in together:
How well does your baby sleep? Through the night or still up alot?
What about your 2.5yo? Is he a light sleeper whos liable to be up every time the baby is up?
I suspect Lindsay waits til a year old because baby would then be consistently sleeping to the same pattern as the older child/ren. That definitely makes it easier but its doable even with a disturbed LO if your older child is a heavy sleeper. Our 2 oldest went in together within 6 months which was abit of an experiment as our second baby was extremely high-maintenance, cried alot and was very disturbed at night. They’ve ended up sharing for over 18 months very successfully, though alot of that had to do with our oldest being a really great sleeper and very low-maintenance.
We decided not to stagger their bedtime so we had them in bed at the same time which worked well for us but you can try putting them to bed half an hour apart from each other with whoever goes to sleep faster and is less likely to wake up with disturbance going down first.
We kept a lamp with an extremely dim setting in the room with a nursing chair so that I could have abit of light when I needed to settle/feed baby without it being too bright.
As with all other parenting decisions, its a case of working out what specifically is going to work for you and your children. If it doesn’t work out right now then you can always put baby back in your room and try again later
I started out with attachment parenting with my first, and discovered babywise by my third, (I have 4 now). I have found in my experience that what works best for the parents is best for all, keeping into consideration each child’s differences. For us it is a combination of both, and may change from time to time. Appreciate your blog!
Thanks for the thoughtful post. Appreciate the non judgment.
Very happy to read your little one is sleeping in your closet. Ours is too (five months) it seemed like the best solution. Although we are planning to move him into little sisters room soon.
Alisha, I thought I would let you get a kick out of this: I had a client whose first two children were NINE MONTHS AND TWO WEEKS apart. When I learned this, my response to her was “That is so unhygienic!” She had the first one unplanned, but wanted all her children to be close in age. This child( she was 16) knew more about timing and the ovulation cycle than any married, quiverfull woman I’ve ever met!
I think you did a great job with this post. I know that some people don’t agree with your principles on co-sleeping, but they are YOUR principles, so it really shouldn’t matter. If co-sleeping doesn’t help you grow in intimacy with your husband then you are making the right decision for your family. I am the same way. Sharing a bed with my children would be a disaster. It just doesn’t work that way for us because of our own personalities, their personalities, and the desires we have for how our family structure works. I don’t care if everyone else was co-sleeping, I still wouldn’t do it unless it was a necessity. We lived in a small apartment and our baby slept in our kitchen for her first year of life because I could not sleep with her in the room with me and she would constantly wake if she was in our room as well. I am glad that you are willing to share what you do and I think you should feel no condemnation or guilt for doing so. Thanks for your continued transparency and excellent resources on this blog!
A baby sleeping in a closet or a kitchen sounds so funny, but we’ve been there, too!
Closets were not big enough, but in our 1 bedroom apartment, one child’s crib was in the living room, and the other was in the kitchen! Praise the Lord for portable travel cribs! Not ideal, but we did what we had to do. I am a light sleeper, and our kids are not good sleepers, so separating everyone was a necessity for us at the time.
Our kids now share a bedroom, but still don’t sleep well at ages 2 1/2 and 4. Sigh. I’m really thinking the lack of routine and late nights are causing them to cry alot at night. Anyone else with poor sleeping toddlers have any advice?
I think that something was left out, that really all things are up in the air until you find out what kind of baby you have! I am not a babywise fan but I also feel like it is great if it matches your personality. I did wear my first a lot vut I never coslept and she was in her own room by 4 months, we did cry it out around 8 months. She had sleep issues, only sleeping 6 hours total and that was not all at once. Cry it out worked for her and our family. My youngest is different. She arrived screaming at the top of her lungs and did not stop until she was 8 months. She slept for only 20 min at a time until she was 3 months old and after that I never got more then 2 hours at a time. We have recently found out that her reflux that we started treating at 4 months is very severe and she is 15 months. I regret depriving her of medicine until she was 4 months. The medicine was never a magic cure, she still screamed. I had so many plans about trying to schedule her a bit so that I could spend more time with my oldest. It did not happen. I was so crazy from the constant screaming that I honestly contemplated returning to work early ( I am blessed to be able to take a year off from my teaching job). The only thng that stopped the screaming were trips to local gardens that we belonged to, she loved the fresh air. I admit that I abused that and we went out when it was far too cold but she stopped screaming and I was able to spend quiet time with my oldest. I have since gone back to work ( am likely able to stay home permanently in June) and she is thriving in our church daycare but she is still high maintenance at home. I said that I would make sure she slept through the night by the time I went back to work. I have been back 4 months and despite many tries at cry it out, massage, wearing her down, feeding her extra at night….. she has only slept through the night 1 x. Really she told us what needed to happen. She does not rule our house but her personality did not fit with what I had planned. We will see where she takes us now.
Just an encouragement for you Carrie. I think my firstborn daughter may have a similar personality as your child without the reflux issues. She is 3 now and sleeping much better. We have always coslept and we are slowly getting her used to sleeping on her own. Books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka related to the spirited child have been helpful. We have tried tons of things to get her to sleep and almost nothing works consistently. We have made slow steady gains following whatever works for us at the time and ensuring that she feels safe and comfortable falling asleep.Slowly, we have made great progress from when we started. She now sleeps through the night and also takes one nap a day almost daily which is a new thing:) Friends who loved us and did not judge our methods were our lifesavers.
Further to that comment – I do agree with you that both rest and intimacy with our husbands is important. I don’t think cosleeping inhibits intimacy for all couples, but I think you’re right that – if it does – we need to be sensative to both our husbands and our own needs for intimacy and rest and use room arrangements or sleep training methods that will ensure that we nurture that God-given sexual, intimate side he wants us to enjoy!
I would like to point out that, while Babywise works for some parents, it is very important to ensure that it is the very best fit for you baby, both for his or her developmental stage and otherwise. I was very concerned to learn of Christian doctors who have noticed an increase in “failure to thrive” amonst some stauch babywise parents. So this is not just something that is being noticed amongst secular doctors, which means that the backlash against it is not just ‘anti Christian sentiment.’
I have some friends who do babywise, but they do it with a good dose of common sense, so it works quite well for your families. But after hearing some Christian doctors reveal that babywise precipitated problems for their patients, I started reading on the internet, and came accross this link, amongst others: http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/babywise-linked-to-babies-dehydration.html
So overall, I would just encourage any new mommy planning to use a sleep training method to ensure that she does it in a way that is not going to result in her child having “failure to thrive.” I think its the new, young mother who may be most likely to follow this book to the “T”, and unfortunately, there is misinformation in this book, which is pointed out in this article. I did read the Babywise book, and this article doesn’t misrepresent it.
I think any sleep training method can work, but I think it’s important that moms ensure that they implement any sleep training tools in a way that is unlikely to cause dehydration or failure to thrive.
Be Blessed
I, too am like Jenny in tryin to raise awareness that it is possible to have a “sacred marriage” without a physical space of a bed. We are in the co-sleeping camp because I need my sleep to function the next day. As a breast feeding momma, reaching across the bed to pull a baby to me to feed reduces the amount of time I need to bed awake each night. Yet my my marriage thrives because my children see my marriage as a priority in other ways, like choosing to spend time with my hubby instead of friends when he is available, not allowing them to interrupt (except emeregencies) our “debriefing” time when my husband first comes home, asking his opinion on matters before others ect. “Sacred marriage” is the relationship for us, not a selected physical space.
Finally to those who fear safety of co-sleeping, please do your research and just exactly who FUNDS the research. Years ago the scarey “research” came out about the “extreme danger” of co-sleeping that was funded by a crib manufactor…. Hmmm Counties where co-sleeping is common have fewer cases of infant deaths. Baby die in cribs all the time here yet we continue to use them. Yes some precautions need to be taken as mentioned but co-sleeping/bed sharing is perfectly safe. No-no’s=alcohol, certain medicines, fluffy bedding .. These are the biggies. Good luck with your mommy decision.
Thank you so much for your balanced and thoughtful post on this touchy subject! I think it is so important for new moms to find what works best for them, and not to receive any condemnation. I wanted to use the Babywise approach and do scheduling, because that is what so many of the experienced moms at my church used (as well as my own mom).
As it turned out, my son did not adapt well to a schedule at all. He was so fussy and kept me up all night. He started sleeping in bed with my husband and I, and slept very peacefully, except for short nursing breaks throughout the night. Then, I decided to start feeding on demand, and suddenly I had a happy baby!
I struggled with a lot of guilt for allowing my child to determine the schedule, and fear that he would stay in our bed forever (yikes!)
But God was so gracious. My son worked out his own nursing routine after a few months, and was happy and content in between nursing sessions. And when he was about 6 months old, he transitioned to sleeping in his own crib, and he sleeps through the night wonderfully : )
I want all new (and soon-to-be) moms to know that there is no one right way to raise a child. The important things are to obey God’s laws and do everything in agreement with your husband. Thanks again for this great article Lindsay!
Thanks Lindsey for this post. I am due any day now with #4 and it has been 7 1/2 yrs. since my last. Your discussion of the two types and the middle ground really help me put this in perspective. I used the original Arm’s Reach Co Sleeper with my first 3 children which connects right to the parent’s bed. I recently purchased a new one and saw that they have two kinds a mini and original version. This arrangement worked great for us in the past especially with breast feeding. I transitioned my first to a crib in his own room much sooner because we scheduled and bottle fed ( I had to stop for surgery/medication reasons). The other two I kept in the co sleeper longer for breastfeeding convenience. I will utilize the co sleeper again but to home school 3 children I will definitely use a schedule for feeding. Thanks Lindsey for the 2 1/2 hr. idea. I used a wrap for my 2nd and 3rd child and will do so again with this one. I also bought an Ergo carrier for my children to use to carry the baby since they are 11, 9, 7 so we won’t lug that car carrier around. My 3rd had physical developmental delay from being carried too much (we lived with extended family) and she never had tummy time or crawled. We will not make that mistake this time as all 3 have gone through Little Giants Steps’ developmental program (www.littlegiantsteps.com) here in TX for not crawling. We are committed to make sure this baby is mobile. Blessings to all~Christie
So enjoyed reading this — we’re expecting our first in June and are going back and forth on co-sleeping. Both my husband and I are fine with the decision to do so (crib would be attached to my side of bed), particularly because we both thought it’ll make night-time feedings much easier. So, my question for you — while your little ones were in the bassinet, did you feel nursing was slightly harder than if the baby had been right beside you? Did they woke up “more” before you did/have a harder time going back to sleep?
Curious because we’ve also just talked about setting the crib up in our room on its own. It isn’t that big of deal but I do want to find the method that would work best for us… and help me in making sure my marriage remains my first priority (thank you so much for the reminders!!). So any thoughts you had (Lindsey or anyone else!) would be much appreciated!
Hi Laura,
I used an Arm’s Reach co-sleeper with my two daughters (now ages 2 1/2 yrs and 9 months). They usually started the night in the co-sleeper and often during night feedings I would fall asleep and the baby would end up sleeping the rest of night in our bed….but if I was still awake I would gently move the baby back to the co-sleeper, trying not to wake her…mainly because I get a much better sleep without a baby in my bed. Having the baby within “arm’s reach” is very convenient – more so than just having a crib set up in your bedroom – you’d still have to get up out of bed in that case, and I don’t know about you, but I’m lazy. We used that method for about the first 4 months, then transitioned to crib in next room. It’s great because the baby has his/her own space, and you and your husband still have your own space.
Hope that helps. It’s hard to know beforehand what will work for you, your husband, and baby. Just be willing to be flexible – you’ll likely have to do some tweaking here and there. And sometimes you just have to wing it! (and that’s ok)
Congratulations! And enjoy that new baby.
Thanks for sharing this! I realized really early on as a mama that I was going to have to get thick skin —
I felt so judged by some friends for not using cloth diapers – when I live in an apartment with no laundry hook ups and coin-op machines running $1.25 per wash/dry and it would have been a real pain to do them. But I hope that for those who choose different parenting styles and methods for managing the infant months I can be helpful, loving and encouraging, even if they choose different methods than me!
I have done Babywise with all 3 of mine and I’m definitely doing it with my 4th, coming soon.
I demand fed for about the first week or two, trying hard to keep sleepy babies awake for a long feeding each time. After that we got into the Babywise routine with feedings beginning every 2 1/2 hours and I found that I WAS demand feeding. They were hungry approximately at scheduled mealtime, and not in between.
I think following many Babywise principles helped us all get good sleep and helped me have an adequate milk supply. And the examples in the book show the flexibility of this parenting style for different personalities.
I definitely appreciate your thoughts here, and it’s a great effort to dispel some of the tension between the two philosophies. It is so important to empower married couples to remember that God comes first, their marriage next AND THEN the children. Very key! Although it sounds good to tell moms adopt what you feel led to practice,” it is developmentally inappropriate to let a baby ‘cry it out’ prior to their developing object permanence, and this is not until 6-9 months in most cases. To ignore this, is to ignore a major step in development that can lead to insecurity and no attachment (i.e. not feeling connected) to parents. It stems from dual working parent households, and I can completely understand that a schedule has to be created when both parents work otherwise productivity at the job would falter, but it is also important that we are being factual about what is best. I believe we need all kinds of moms and dads: working and staying home, but there are still best practices and sometimes they go against what we want to acknowledge.
Hi! This is a great post and I definitely agree with so many of the other writers that every child and family is different. However, I was concerend about the mentions of co-sleeping. I’ve heard on the news that co-sleeping (having the child sleep in the same bed as you, not the same room) is extremely dangerous and that children die every year here in the United States due to smothering while sleeping with adults. There have even been public awareness ad campaigns to convince mothers to stop having their babies sleep in their beds. Is this something the auther is aware of? I was wondering if any of the mothers who’ve posted above have done research into the safety issue and what their response is?
God bless you all!
Janice,
This can be an issue. The problems that tend to cause it are 1)The softness of the mattress (which is why baby mattresses are so firm) and 2) the amount of of bedding/fluffiness of bedding we tend to use. The mommies I know who do co-sleeping switched from duvets to quilts, because they aren’t fluffy and limit the amount of pillows on the bed down to usually only one or maybe two a person. I don’t know anyone who has had any close calls with rolling over personally, but I know that I’ve seen it in the news (be it rarely).
Co-sleeping is very safe when practiced correctly. The research about safe co-sleeping states that it is not recommended for mom’s who are bottle feeding, intoxicated or sleep deprived. It’s also not recommended that co-sleeping be practiced anywhere other than a bed. There are other restrictions too for safe co-sleeping.
While I understand that co-sleeping is not for everyone it is not dangerous when the recommended guidelines are followed and studies have shown mom’s get more sleep when co-sleeping occurs.
Also, if you are talking about the campaigning in Wisconsin, all of the deaths that occurred that caused that campaign to initiate were in babies who were not breastfed. A safe co-sleeping environment suggests that the baby be breastfed.
Hope that helps Janice!
Thanks to you both! I appreciated getting the information and find it helpful. Those sound like some sensible precautions and it’s always reassuring to know people know what their doing! God bless.
I have two kiddos and I have been a nanny foe more than I can count… I have never understood not feeding on demand…. when I am hungry I want something to eat.It would break my heart to think I let my baby be hungry with an aching tummy while I waited until it was “feeding time”. Maybe I dont understand the thoughtbprocesss behind it or maybe I just wanted a valid excuse to sit and snuggle my babies lol I will always be an on demand momma withbkiddos ages six and four I still feed them when they are hungry even though we have regular meals.
I find it all fascinating honestly. I grew up in a very rural Appalachian culture and home. I slept in my mother’s bed until I was about 4ish. All 4 of us were welcome to sleep there as toddlers. As we got older, we didn’t sleep in the bed, but if we had nightmares we were allowed to sleep on the floor beside the bed. I should also note that we were allowed to really sleep anywhere we wanted in the house. My mother and grandmother’s thought process was that if we were getting a peaceful night’s sleep – then it didn’t matter where we slept. by 4th and 5th grade, all 4 of us eventually settled into sleeping in our traditional bedrooms (Our current ages are 27, 19, 19 [irish twins] and 13). When we were scared at night, we (the children) would share a bed. It wasn’t until I went off to graduate school at 23 that I experienced a bedroom that just had me in it. I didn’t like it at all!
I enjoy reading these posts because I don’t have, and won’t be having, any biological children. So I’m coming at this from the mindset of how I’ll be doing things if we ever adopt.
@Tracie- would you mind clarifying or elaborating on what you mean when you wrote “we must submit to our husbands in the matter of cosleeping”. Im not quite sure exactly what you meant by your statement. Thanks! : )
Hi Jenny! I will be happy too. From a Christian prospective, wives are called to submit (respect) our husbands. We recognize that they are ordained by God to be the leaders of our homes. Basically, if your husband is not comfortable with the baby/child sleeping in the bed, than the couple should make the effort to help their baby/child sleep independantly of the parents. Now, I will also say that if a husband is abusive or wanting the wife to do something immoral (cheat on taxes, pornography, etc) than it is appropriate to seek help as needed. The best thing we can give our children is a happy marriage. Sometimes it is easy for us women to be so inlove with our child, that we focus more on the child than our husband. Especially with the first baby; I know from experience
Hope that helps!
I ment to add, that if the husband enjoys his children in the bed and it is not an issue, than by all means, cosleeping is fine. I do not see cosleeping as a moral/immoral issue. Some couples make it work, others not so much. Both is fine, as long as both spouses are in agreement!
YES! Thanks Tracie for bringing clarity to this issue. You shared my heart as well!
Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue! I felt that your answers were given with grace and balance. I am glad that you reminded us to submit to our husbands in the matter of co-sleeping! It seems that we live in such a culture now where it is so easy for us women to take a leadership position (a lot of times not meanig to) and that can be harmful to our marriages! As a mother of two boys, ages 7 and 4, I wanted to remind everyone that children quickly grow out of babyhood and that there are so many more years ahead to bond with our children. While breastfeeding, holding and nurturing our infants are wonderful ways to give them a great start in life, it does not “magically” insure that they will be confident and loved just because of that first year. I am finding that there are many many opportunities to bond with our children and give them love over the whole period of time that God as given them to us. It is crucial to remember that a child at 3 or 6 or 10 or 14 years of age needs us just as much as the new little baby does. It really is a lifelong journey. Thank you for letting me add my two cents!
Lindsay, what a great post! Baby #5 is due in a few weeks, and we follow the same general approach as you do! After 4 babies, we have found that a balance of the 2 approaches is what works best for all of us. I really appreciate how you express your views!
Lindsay, I was so encouraged by your post. I felt like you were not asking anyone to adopt what you were doing, only giving others ideas with how your family functions. I was also touched that you also plantantly said that you do not believe one way is the exact way, but encouraged each woman and family to do what works for them. Thanks for the post Lindsay and I believe you did it very tactfully and well done!
I just want to share my experience because, as Lindsey emphasized, what works for each family can really vary and for so many reasons.
Our first son is 5 months now and he sleeps with us. We never got a crib or anything because this resonated in our hearts so strongly. And…. OUR LOVE LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVER! I’m talking as often as before baby and MORE exciting/satisfying. Surely there are many variations of how sleep sharing works, but for us, intimacy usually takes place in a room he is not. He may be sleeping on the floor in another room, so we are in our bed. If he is sound asleep in our bed, we choose another room… maybe this change is part of spicing things up for us. But also, my husband and I feel very attracted to each other because we admire the way we love and care for our son. We feel like we have the best most exciting marriage ever… and we sleep share. Babies DO sleep, and that is our special time.
We get the reaction from people that sleep sharing would interfere with our marriage, but this just has not been true for us. The time just doesn’t ‘add up’.
I like to put it like this:
Hours sleeping in bed – (minus) Hours intimate with husband = sleep sharing.
Lindsey:
YOUR BLOG ROCKS!!!
My husband and I both appreciate your blog and have implemented much of what you share into our lives. You are key example to me as a wife and mother on how to love my family. You especially minister to me in the area of hospitality – a new concept for me.
If I tell someone at my church that I am a homemaker, I get looked at real funny, so your support as a like minded sister means A LOT to me and my husband.
I REALLY DON’T CARE IF YOU SLEEP SHARE! And I say that with a joyful smile on my face because it feels so good to be free of judging others on their parenting style, food choices, or ANYTHING!
You are a light and a blessing to my whole family. I could never tell you enough.
I look forward to next posts on this topic.
Of all the blogs about mothering/homemaking yours is a staple in my heart – THANK YOU!
Thank you so much for sharing on this topic! I am on my third pregnancy right now. With our first, we were to the letter of Baby Wise. But I felt a lot of guilt with that and went to the opposite extreme with our second. We settled in the middle for this next child to come, and it’s so very encouraging to hear your balanced perspective and the “why’s” for you as well as to be reassured that NO method is going to ruin our little ones psychologicaly or emotionally.
Love this post. Parenting ‘styles’ should mould to the babys specific needs while keeping the balance for the rest of the family relationships. A black and white approach to parenting doesn’t take that small fact into consideration IMO. Babies are born with their own personalities and differing levels of need so one-size just can’t fit all. Parenting labels distract and detract and should be banned
Our firstborn was a natural ‘Babywise’ baby, had his own 4 hr routine down pat within a week, slept through the night by 6/7 wks and was cruisy as.
Our secondborn was a natural ‘AP’ baby, would scream for hours on end if he wasn’t attached to us 24/7 and wanted to eat every hour on the hour… 24/7…. Yawn… I was a zombie… and he is the most strongwilled member of the house who also requires alot of touch from us, yet has a full-blown panic attack if anyone else comes near him without giving him ALOT of forewarning.
Our third baby is due next month. We’re just playing it by ear
After having our bed to ourselves and co-sleeping I must say we feel alot more intimately connected when we have our own sacred space that is just ours and yes happens to be our bed. I spend all day, every day interacting with our babies, DH spends either all day at work OR all day interacting with our babies, and to have that one area where we’re guaranteed just us-time is very precious. I think people adjust to their individual circumstances but for OUR marriage yes the marriage bed (literally and figuratively) is very sacred to us. One of the definitions of sacred is “dedicated or devoted exclusively to a single use, purpose, or person”. Our bed is a place in the house that is devoted exclusively to the single purpose of being a haven for my husband and I, as a married couple, and it is the only place in the house – even the toilet isn’t sacred in our house
The bible tells us to cleave together and become one, it doesn’t mention doing that with our children. Trying to cleave together while working around children is like trying to beat egg whites to a peak when you’ve got the yolks still attached – the yolks are an important part of the product, but if you’re looking for peaky, fluffy, snow-white eggwhites then you gotta give them a chance to get beaten without any yolk in the picture! And no offence to previous commentors but I do believe most believers living in areas where everyone shares a room with their whole family would probably find the idea of abit of privacy on occasion quite appealing and would also be practical enough not to read any kind of judgement or alienation into Lindsay’s post 
I really loved the way you put that AND how you showed that your babies were so different. Baby #1 for us sounds a lot like your baby #2.
Well stated. I struggled with guilt over parenting the “right” way. I am thankful that Lindsay has shown us not to be in bondage to our guilt and that we all have the freedom to parent in a way that works best for our family. The only really important issue is, are we teaching our kids to be passionate for God and glorify him in all that we do.
I wish I had heard this perspective when I was starting out. I started out totally “baby-wise.” Like you, I saw a lot of principles that I thought were important, and still think are important. However, as a young mom, I didn’t factor in that in growth spurts, babies need more milk for a while. I never did get any of my babies to sleep soundly through the night until fully weaned – usually around 15 months. And guess what, they are all beautiful sleepers now. I never swung fully to the attachment parenting end but I do see the value of a lot of what they have to share.
I have had seven children now, and I know that as I slowed down and really took the time to know my babies, I was better able to care for there needs and guide them to be a part of the bigger family. My later children actually adjusted better because I was meeting their needs better. And yet, they didn’t become the center of our world. They were “welcome members” of an already existing family. A very wise post!
Love your blog! I aso felt much grace in your voice as I read this post. Thanks for being honest, and gentle as your share from your life. I am learning much. Oh, I second the no cry sleep solution (book) and a post on room sharing for kiddos.
Thanks so much for this timely post! I can’t wait to read more. I am on my 3rd baby and need help with this still!
Lindsay, I hear this a lot among christians that children need to know that the husband is more important then the children. You also mentioned that. Do you know if there is a Bible verse that states that?
On a different note, I come from a south american country, and most of the country (usually lower class) live in small houses where parents have to share their room with their kids. Even in Jesus’ time families used to share the same bedroom (at least that’s what I’ve seen in movies). Throughout history and even today, most of the world sleeps with their babies in their room. The quality of marriage has nothing to do with a baby being or not being in your bedroom. Marriage problems occur because of sin. The marriage bed becomes un-sacred because of sin, not because of babies in the room.
Atlanta – I agree with Lindsay on this, and I can tell you that it doesn’t matter how many families do sleep all together in a room – a bedroom that is reserved exclusively for husband and wife is the most conducive the sex which is absolutely essential in a healthy marriage.
I have a 3 month old daughter and I can tell you there have been several times that having her in the room with us (in a pack’n'play next to the bed) has interrupted us. Our frequency is decreased. We don’t mind, because she is little and it’s just temporary, but I guarantee you that our intimate life would not happen with the frequency that either of us would prefer if we had all three of our children in bed with us.
Maybe it’s just our culture specifically because in many of these cultures you talk about, and in Jesus’ time, men did not leave the home for 10-12 hours per day to go to a job and come home exhausted from a commute barely in time to eat dinner, play with the kids a little, put them to bed, and crash. But that’s the reality of much of our modern life.
Perhaps the life when the man works from the home, at a trade or however, allows for more spontaneity (sp?) just because of proximity. The truth is, though, that my husband and I rarely get any time together. Our kids are 5 & under and even though we put them to bed at a reasonable time, they are usually up and awake pretty late.
The reality is that no matter how much you might think “Oh, you just need to be creative!” which is something I’ve heard often, or just think that sex isn’t that important… it IS important and should be a priority. Sexual intimacy and its various forms is the one single thing that sets a marriage apart from a close friendship.
You say that marriage problems occur because of sin – I agree. De-prioritizing the marriage itself (husband and wife) and the sex life is sinful. The Bible even speaks about not depriving one another except for a short and agreed-upon time. Having a child share the bed generally results in a sexual deprivation, which is okay for a few months (in my opinion) but would probably result in a tremendous loss of intimacy. That intimacy is absolutely essential to safeguard a marriage.
And – I think we would all agree that most children would feel much more secure in a home where the parents tend to be very cuddly and affectionate with each other, displaying their love. A healthy intimate life in the bedroom really helps in that aspect.
Correction – I meant to say “Having a child share the bed generally results in a sexual deprivation, which is okay for a few months (in my opinion) but would probably result in a tremendous loss of intimacy if done for the long-term.”
I think maybe a better way to look at it is that We, as a culture are not comfortable with the idea of sex in front of children. From talking to my friends who grew up in one room houses, they are concerned that as, my friend Jezzie put it “Americans are shameful about having sex.” To Jezzie, she was use to her parents having sex. It was what parents did. She finds living here to be unsettling because all the family members are too independent, not sharing rooms. JUST some thought. Many think it would suffer because of the lack of sex, but the lack of sex would only happen if one is uncomfortable having sex in front of your children. Which most of us here in the states are( myself included!)
Hi Lindsay,
I love your blog and enjoyed much of this post. But I too, like Jenny, question the “marriage bed being kept sacred” I too thought of many families worldwide, where the entire family shares a room. I myself am raising three children in a two bedroom apartment and I question wether my marriage bed is sacred, being shared with my third baby. Thank you for your thoughts and grace.
Not trying to put words in Lindsay’s mouth but the way I read it was that she was specifically stating these are priorities they have chosen for their family. In the statement I don’t think she was quoting the bible at all.
Which we have found to be true for our family as well, which is surely cultural. Lindsay THANK YOU for sharing. I love your stance and your non confrontational approach, how you state that each person needs to choose for themselves. I used to think there was only one way. Now I realize God did not make our families with cookie cutters for a reason.
Hi Lindsey,
I would like to take a moment to pose some questions about some of the statements in your post. I am a fellow believer in Christ, and I find a few concerns with some of your statements from a more theological perspective, and how they may be interpreted.
First – you make the statement that you want to preserve the “marriage bed as a sacred place”. What do you mean by this? I am having trouble thinking of the Biblical support for this concept/statement. God instituted marriage and its therefore sacred in that sense – and it should not be defiled by adultery, but I don’t understand where you are getting this idea that the marriage “bed” is sacred – (as in the physical bed space) which you appear to imply.
I am also having trouble understanding how co-sleeping and the “marriage bed” can teach children that marriage is not a priority – which it appears you imply by stating that children can become center stage, and that marriage lacks growth when time is not spent together, and also that children need to understand that there are boundaries, all under your paragraph which begins with the sentence about the marriage bed being sacred.
Also – your quote from Jean Fleming – it appears to imply (since its under the same paragraph about the “marriage bed being sacred” ) that a child might get the impression (either the baby or an older child) that the baby is somehow more important than the marriage through co-sleeping. I don’t understand how co-sleeping for you means, or could imply, that a child is more important than the marriage. If a husband slept in another room for a year while a husband slept with a baby – I could see how that could carry the impression that a mom values the child more than the marriage – but that is not what happens with co-sleeping. I know you are not against co-sleeping by your earlier statements that neither way is more “biblical”, but I wonder if you realize that you may have unintentionally implied that your decision to not co-sleep after a certain time is more pleasing to God since you say that it therefore keeps you are your husband together in sexual communication more, etc.
Also – you state “that you need privacy to build your marriage in our communication and sexual interaction,” and the last thing you need to worry about is the fear of waking a child. The fear to waking a child could apply not just to co-sleeping, but having a bedroom next to your child that could be awoken by a noise. The fear of waking a baby should not inhibit sexual interaction, should it? Should fear of waking a child be a reason to not co-sleep?
A stronger point on that issue, and one I care more about, – would be the fact that your statement about the marriage “bed” being sacred and also that couples need privacy (ie: not waking a baby) – in the form of no children in bed or eventually in the room – alienates millions of believers worldwide. I don’t think this was your intent – but if we logically take these ideas of the “bed” being sacred, and that personal privacy being necessary (so as not to wake a baby), it is implying that for a marriage, relationship, and sex life to be where God wants it to be – you essentially need to be a middle class american, with a bed, and a space away from your children to sleep and bond. This idea of a bed and personal room space is not universal and carries cultural and economic ideas with it.
I think it could be wise to consider explaining that millions of believers all over the world value their marriage, their sexual interaction, their sleep, and their husbands as priority over their children, but because of their context or culture, they live, sleep, and interact in the same room (one room even) or in the same space (maybe not even a room depending on where in the world one lives).
I have been in various overseas contexts and seen believers – even a pastor of a local church in a closed country – whose entire family lives, sleeps, and interacts in the same room, a small concrete space, with no “bed” but blankets are rolled out at night. Are these believers lacking in the priority of their marriage or the priority of bonding through sexual interaction or causing their children to think that they are the center of the world because they are never away from their children when sleeping or, even when having sex? Are those children in a worse situation or more inclined to think they are the focus because everyone lives, sleeps, and interacts in one room?
My heart actually feels very heavy about this post because – I think that we as Americans – and specifically American Christians, have become so focused on these issues of space, and sleep, and sex, and marriage, that even though we are saying “there is no one biblically right way to raise an infant or deal with infant sleep”, the language being used like “sacred marriage bed” for example, is essentially implying that things like an actual physical bed, or a physically separate space for parents, are things that are a necessity for a right marriage and family relationship – and yet these things are completely unknown to a huge majority of the world.
Again – I don’t think that your desire was to intentionally imply any of these things – and, I really want to be careful because I want you to know I am fully capable of misunderstanding what you wrote, so I hope my questions come across as being as grace-filled as possible, with a spirit to think through how these issues and our opinions apply not just to us as American believers, but believers all over the world. Thanks for your time and thoughtfulness!
You gave a very thoughtful and graceful response. Extra grace needed for Lindsay our brave author as she cannot agonize over every phrase she writes and was no doubt focused on the subject of infant logistics and not relevance to every mother all over the world!
But with so many responses on the subject of the space and privacy we in middle-class U.S. take for granted, it is a good reminder to consider how many Brothers and Sisters in different parts of the world live, and even interesting to consider the different family dynamics, and to ponder what God’s people have done as families for millennia.
Sarah M,
Well said. It goes without saying that this can be a controversial topic. I absolutely agree on extra grace to Lindsay for having the courage to post her heart here. May we all seek to follow God’s will for our lives, obey our husbands and love our sweet babies. Each family situation here in the US and around the world is so different and each child in the family can be so different as well. Let’s support each other in love!
Jenny, I very much appreciate your thought provoking response. I understand the need to make sure your husband is priority over children but do not want parents to shy away from co-sleeping just because they think it might be somehow wrong. There are so much more (and sometimes better ways) to make sure your husband is the priority. I hope readers will read what you wrote and really think about your questions. I very much feel the same way you do.
Jenny, I, too, appreciate your response to Lindsay’s post. It was very grace-filled and thoughtful. These align with much of what I’ve mulled over regarding this subject in recent years. I think you articulated a point of view that needs to be heard by Christian Americans. Thank you for being willing to shed light in this way. I’m so glad you spoke up!!
In saying that, I also applaud Lindsay for addressing a subject that is so controversial and personal. I think she expressed herself with tact and grace…in a manner that is often missing when discussed in other forums. Thank you!
I would have to agree with Jenny’s concerns, though I feel that they would be easily explained by Lindsey as I think the issue is mostly bound up in using a phrase like “sacred marriage bed.” This is something that I have often thought about as we put such a heavy emphasis on “this bed” and “our room” in our American culture. Obviously, this is cultural preference and must be understood in such a context. It becomes a hot button issue when so many of our fellow sisters-in-Christ in America now are adopting co-sleeping methods that seem so very strange to other more “traditional” American mothers. Suddenly what was once “sacred” or “unique” to the husband-wife relationship is challenged and we must sift through our cultural norms and find what the true Biblical standard for the family is. Ultimately, the Bible does give great freedom within the family to organize family life as needed/desired. Yes, sex is very important between a husband and wife and the Bible makes that quite clear, but the Bible never tells you where you should be having sex or if you should keep your babies out of earshot. We must desire to be intimate as much as we can with our spouse (never depriving him) and do everything we can to encourage both spiritual and physical intimacy. Whether or not that means that we get to always have our bed to ourselves is a decision that every couple must make based upon needs, desires, and circumstance.
Also, an easy way to keep the bed “sacred” or a better word would be “special” would be to keep the baby in a bassinet in a closet until you were actually intending to go to sleep (rather than be intimate/enjoy time together) and then bring baby into bed with you.
I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Africa and have seen many Christian couples try their best in their one-room homes/huts to have their own ‘bedroom’ of sorts by putting some sheets around their bed to make it little more private. We always saw something ‘click’ when a family came to know Christ – working on growing closer as husband and wife was one area they would strive to strengthen and often the sheets or blankets around their bed was part of their efforts. God gives gives grace in the life of every believer in the world who longs to live for Him. Providing enough sheets to make a ‘room’ of sorts for intimacy can be one way.
Every Christian marriage in the whole world is different, especially those in completely different cultures, but the Lord understands that and does His amazing work accordingly in each of His childrens’ lives. Lindsay, by God’s sovereign will, lives in the USA in the home He has blessed her with. She understands that most of those who read her blog can relate to her life situation. It is clear from her many posts that she and her husband are living as they sense the Lord leading them. This issue is definitely one of those that should not divide us as believers or be something to nit-pick about seeing as God chose to not directly address it with specifics in the Scriptures.
I would just like to comment on “baby wise” parenting… we were (are?) Baby wise parents of an almost 3 yr old little boy. It worked very, very well for us. However… people who follow baby wise so strictly as to not have any common sense about it should probably not be doing it. There is NO reason that an infant who has had all his needs met should have to “cry it out”. My son cried for 2 nights. He was hungry. (I have PCOS and it seriously impared my lactation.) I added 2 oz of formula to nursing at bedtime…he never had to cry again and slept peacefully every night. So did mommy & daddy. 3 hrs between feeding is the guideline. If the child is hungry and it’s only been 2.5 hrs, FEED him! But feed a full meal, not just a 5 min snack. Our son was sleeping full nights at 10 weeks. It could have been sooner if we got the feeding issues fixed sooner. My close friend just delivered her 7th baby and he will be a baby wise baby like all the rest.
love this! i’m a first-time mom and my little girl is six weeks old. so encouraged by this post as i continue to figure out how to do this whole “mom” thing!
Very well shared. So thankful (again) for your balance, grace and God centeredness.
Fun fact! Having the baby in the same room with you IS co-sleeping! There’s a difference between co-sleeping and bed-sharing. So when you read articles (like the recommendation from AAP that sleeping together reduces risk of SIDS), remember that having the baby in the same room delivers a lot of benefits in itself. Great post!
You handled this really well! I also believe in a balance between the two but that every family should seek God’s guidance for them!
p,s. we labled our prayer pail sticks tonight…so exciting!
I think you have a wonderful prespective on this issue. We have also found that one set routine does not work the same with each child. Our 1st started off her first few weeks in our bed then I attempted to transfer her to a bassinet in our room. She would sleep a few hours at a time in the bed till she was around 3 months old and then she decided that sleep was not her “thing” anymore. We tried different things to help her sleep every night (co-sleeping, rocking, sleep in a swing) and nothing seemed to work. At 4 months we decided to try the cry-it-out method in her nursery crib. Within a week she was sleeping through the night and she has LOVED her own bed since then. The only thing I disliked about this method was that she quit nursing in the night and my milk supply went way down. I also became pregnant again by the time she was 6 months and she weaned a few months later. With our 2nd child we set the bassinet up in our room again and planned to start him out in it after a few weeks of co-sleeping. This pattern worked well for him and he would sleep in the bassinet until his middle of the night feeding when I would bring him to our bed to nurse and sleep. When he outgrew the bassinet we set up pack and play in our room and he slept in that till he was almost a year old. We then moved from a 2 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom and we set him up in his own room. He would sleep through the night on occasion but most nights he came to our bed around 3 or 4am and nursed till he weaned around 19 months. Our 3rd child is due in 6 weeks and we will once again set up the bassinet in our room and go from there.
As far as feedings go both of my children have set themselves on a schedule naturally. For the first few weeks I nurse on demand and within a month they are nursing every 2 1/2- 3 1/2 hours. By 6 months they usually nurse every 4 hours and by 1 year it is 3-4 times a day.
Such a wonderful post! There is WAY too much bashing between styles of mothering when the truth is that all of us just do what works best for our family. If the opposing “philosophy” worked better then we’d try what we thought was right, and switch when it didn’t work for us. We’re all different people, and our kids are all different too, so why can’t we just do what works and applaud the fact that there are more than one way to do things (and thank God for options!).
This is such a great post! When my first was born I was very firmly in the attachment parenting camp. I didn’t know a single mom who did any kind of schedule or even encouraged a routine. I heard so many times about how moms who “scheduled their babies” were selfish and would lose their milk supplies. After four months of my baby crying day and night I finally decided that AP wasn’t for us. I implemented a fairly strict schedule and four days later he was happy, content and sleeping through the night. And (shocker!) my PPD almost completely disappeared that week!
Babywise isn’t for every family or baby. My second has been very content and really fell into his own routine the first week without much encouragement from me. Although I wish I had been more open to Babywise from the beginning with my oldest, the experience really helped me be much less critical of other mothers, which is a valuable lesson for sure.
Thank you Lindsay. I think it’s easy as first time parents (or even 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc…) to have our ideas about how things should go, our theories, and best parenting practices. But I think there is a lot of humbling that goes on when we have our first child and see the reality of parenthood, recovery from a rough delivery, those incredibly difficult sleepless nights, etc.. As my first baby girl turns 1 today, I’ve found myself to be much more humble now about my opinions. I used to be much more in the scheduling camp. Couldn’t understand why parents wouldn’t let their little ones CIO so they would learn to sleep (within appropriate timing of course) as it worked so well for us. My LO was sleeping 12 hours at 3.5-4 months but I desperately needed that sleep. I was a walking zombie. But as 12 months have come and flown by and I have seen such a variety of schedules, theories, parenting styles, etc.. with all my friends and their babies, I have come to see that there really is no “right” way. I 100% agree that neither way is more biblical, and think it’s silly people would even try to argue that point. Children are so different from one another and there is no one size fits all, as many other moms have said. I said I would never co-sleep but my daughter slept on my husbands chest for almost 2 weeks when she was firstborn. Then she was in her bassinet, and then in her room at 4 weeks as she was also a VERY loud sleeper. I would get her early morning and bring her back into bed with me just to get a few more hours. I eventually stopped and now she is only in her room and has been for months, but no one knows how their L & D will go, what their recovery will be like, etc.. Anything goes that first month in my mind. We now stick to pretty much the same schedule and find help that fits our girl from wherever it makes sense. But you have to feel good about your decisions as a mom, and only you and your spouse know what is best. Someone else said this, but so true. It’s hard enough being a mom, we should spend our time encouraging one another rather than judging for seemingly minor issues (or any issues). It’s what’s at the heart and how we model Christ to our children that is really important!!
Wow! This post could NOT be more timely for me! We have recently adopted our 5th child – but Gabriel is our first newborn. Talk about a steep new learning curve for me and hubby! Gabriel is 8 weeks old now. I’ve induced lactation to be able to breastfeed him, and I “wear” him in a Moby wrap quite a lot during the day. We’ve been following our intuition on many issues…and talking with experienced friends. I can’t wait until you do more posts about this!
Loved this post–thank you for sharing! I only have one baby right now to gain experience from, but I know getting her on a routine was one of the hardest things ever. My confidence was completely shot. Something that I’ve really been trying to remind myself as we’re almost in time for baby #2 is that the Lord is completely sovereign. In His sovereignty, He purposefully grants each child to each set of parents, and His ways are perfect and good. Even when you feel like you’re completely at whits’ end, wondering why on earth He would even have given you a child
. Resting in His sovereignty has been such a reminder that all things from Him are good, that His ways are so much higher than ours.
Thanks for the encouraging balanced approach. I agree with Dr. Sears who says, “do whatever gets the most people the most sleep”. We’re on baby #4, and finally have found out what works for our family. I recommend the “No Cry Sleep Solution” and “The Happiest Baby on the Block” for the best recommendations baby care. Each baby is different, and each household is different, so what works for us may not work for you, and vise versa. And staying home (in a routine) is golden! I used to feel guilty cancelling numerous plans/showers/events, but as my 92 year old Grandma told me, “don’t feel guilty, you are the one who has to go home with that fussy, overtired baby.” Best advice ever!
Your Grandma is a wise woman! Thanks for sharing her advice – I will be keeping that in mind.
Rachel, those two books were also the books that worked the best for me. I loved the book “No cry sleep solution”. Best…
Lindsay, great post! I have been a mom for 10+ years now and have had some time to see the pendulum swing between these two extremes, too. I would encourage moms to “go with their gut”. There are times when you really feel your baby truly needs you, and there are times (especially when toddlerhood hits) when you really feel your little one is simply trying to control the situation. Moms need to feel free to respond to their children in a way they feel is needful and appropriate, and not feel that they have to stick to a book or what their friends are doing.
I would also encourage moms to realize that (as a commentor said above), children are so VERY different! That is why parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. My oldest was almost 4 before my next little one came along. Boy, I thought I had parenting by the tail! Came to find out my oldest daughter is quite compliant and anxious to please. My next daughter came along and blew most of my theories out the window.
I have 4 children altogether with 2 being quiet and compliant and two being strong-willed firecrackers. I have to use different approaches with them. Just parent YOUR children and don’t worry so much about what others are doing, or what they think of what you’re doing… 
So appreciate this article and have waited for you to write it!
I wonder if you could write about how you got your kids to “naturally” sleep through the night by six weeks with routines. What did that look like?? I did things very similiar it’s sounds like but we didn’t get sleeping through the night til around one.
I second that request
. But Jyl, don’t feel bad–it took my daughter FOREVER to sleep through the night by herself, even after I finally decided the only thing left to do was to make her cry it out. I guess some are just more inclined to do it sooner?
mine still wakes up at 18 months!!!
My first was sleeping 9 hours straight at 8 weeks, but my 2nd didn’t start sleeping through the night until closer to 15 months. Even then, she still wakes sometimes at 18 months, but I just weaned her finally and that has helped. I never could understand why it was so hard to get her on a similar routine to my first child, but it just doesn’t work that way sometimes. Some children naturally sleep better than others. My daughter is a very light sleeper and has never napped well either. She is also a lot more content and happy throughout the day on less sleep. My son was a high strung infant, toddler, and now almost 4 year old who still needs his sleep or he will go crazy! Sometimes no matter what you try, they just don’t sleep the way you want them to.
A great source on this is Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits book. He actually explains the science behind sleeping through the night as primarily a factor of neurological development that can’t be changed. In other words, they sleep through the night when they are ready. Now, he also gets into how parents can develop habits that can interfere once you reach that point, but that’s a different issue.
I think it’s important to note that while there is no ‘how-to’ in the Bible, that as Christians we cannot abide by “the ends justifies the means” approach. The Bible certainly gives us the exemplar of love and the One whom we are to follow (picking up that cross…). We must act in each moment in the most loving way possible and that means giving of ourselves as Christ did. So, I can’t just say “well, x turned out okay, therefore what I did was just fine.” With every child we must be ready to sacrifice and give ourselves in whatever way that means for that particular child…hard hard hard to do.
Oh Lindsay, thank you! I’ve followed your blog for some time, but never felt the need to express my appreciation so much as today. This is EXACTLY where I am right now, and it’s so nice to be understood. All my of friends are hard-core attachment parents, and when I struggle with the times that that philosophy doesn’t work for our family, I feel very alone and confused, as though there’s something wrong with me. Or I’m just not cut out for this mothering thing. I whole-heartedly agree that regardless of what everyone else says is the right thing, we as mothers have to form our own philosophy – take what we can use and leave the rest. I can’t wait to read the rest of this series. Wish I knew someone like you in real life, because we would be friends.
Thank you! When my daughter was born, I just did my own thing following intuition and pretty soon we had a reliable but flexible routine going and she started sleeping through the night around 3 months. When my son came along, I read baby wise and tried to do it but it made me miserable and he still wasn’t sleeping through the night at 6 months! I don’t sleep well co-sleeping and my sleep is so important to how I function in the day, so I’ve never had my kids in bed with me much but I’ve always been up for co-naps & snuggling on the couch. I’ve loved baby-wearing. Now with number 3 on the way, I’m confident to just go with my intuition again –knowing the routine will begin to establish without worrying about schedules. I think I’ve learned that the baby days are so much about being comfortable in my own skin knowing what I need and my own sense of my baby. It’s so much more important for me to know I’m enjoying my baby, & allowing others to participate in that enjoyment without getting all hung up on what baby raising method I use & how well I’m following it. I know several baby wise ladies who find real peace & joy in it, who can’t imagine functioning through babyhood without it. There’s no need to criticize the process of people figuring out what works for them, and I so appreciate how you’ve articulated this thought!
I did BabyWise with the first one, and have been more Dr. Sears with my second. No matter which one you do, raising babies is HARD! My sweet spot is around 2 years old it seems!
Wow! Great Job! We too have found that we fall into neither camp and would get frustrated with the are you a Baby Wise parent? We do try to have a routine… our 4th who is 3 months old is finding out that right at this moment. However, I snuggle and wear her and feed her if she acts like she just might chew off her right hand. :+)
My first was a handful though… who really knows what to do? I read Ferber’s book, “How to solve your child’s sleep problems” and found it very helpful! Yes, he said to let the kidos cry it out, but not in the way every one always thinks. Even if you don’t want to follow that method there was a ton of information on the sleep cycle that solved our particular problem which was too much time in bed.
Thank you for this post that was oh’ so helpful and full of grace for both sides!
Love the positive approach to both sides! We also combine the ideas. We baby wear and breastfeed, with a bassinet/cradle in the room till about 6 months. Co-sleeping scares me personally, and would strain our marriage. But for some it is perfect! I allowed my first daughter feed on demand (which was every 2 hours). For my own sanity hoping to get next daughter (due in 10 weeks) on a 3 hour schedule, but mostly on her time table. We have too many other events that fall on strange times to make a perfect schedule that doesn’t interfere with church events, family events, and other activities. I am so happy to see someone embrace both concepts. The key to good parenting…God, prayer, and wise council. Seek God’s wisdom in the Bible, pray for his guidance on your personal (liberty) choice, and remember Proverbs 11:14 “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” Thank you for this article, looking forward to the rest!
I recommend “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” for any parent whether you cry-it-out or not. It really helps understand an infant’s sleep cycle and why they wake up at certain times. I found other tips helpful as well, but by far knowing their natural sleep cycle was extremely helpful so I would not become so angry or irritated as much when they woke up. I could actually understand what was going on and be able to move quickly to keep them from fully waking up on most occasions!
Each child’s personality and needs can also be different, so I encourage new moms to go in with an idea of what you’d like to do, but to be open to adapt as things go along.
Our first was a very noisy sleeper, and he was off to his own room at about two weeks as there was no other way for me to reasonably sleep! With our second she ended up in our closet until she was almost a year, as it was a snug spot and quick for me to grab her to nurse in the night.
I’m so glad to see such a loving post on this topic! I feel like people get so passionate about “their side” that it’s hard to have a genuine conversation about it, but like you said, there are pros and cons to both approaches and it’s great to combine elements of both to what fits your lives best! Thank you for tackling this! Our second baby is due any day now, and I’m excited to start this one’s little life outside the womb on a similar schedule/routine as I did with our first, but with a lot more grace and confidence than I had last time!
I had a hard time with teaching our first one to put himself to sleep (cry-it-out), I think because we waited tooooo long to do it, so I’m curious about where we’ll land this time around! 
It is unusual and SO ENJOYABLE to read a well-balanced, considerate and thoughtful presentation of these ideas and have it followed by comments that are in the same vein. My oldest is nearly ten (I have three boys, 9, 6, 3) and I grew weary of this battleground several years ago. Thankfully I was blissfully unaware of all the furor until my first was a toddler because we did not have a computer. lol I happily breastfed him to the age of 2 1/2 and used a co sleeper for a few months (he’s a big kid, he was too heavy for it by 3 months old!) and then into the crib in his room across the hall. I didn’t feel any drama about it…no clue I was “supposed” to. I just did it and moved on. My husband and I have our space, he and subsequent sweet baby boys have theirs and so on. Now…if I’d only known he had a dairy intolerance (thanks a lot, former pediatrician! ) maybe he would have slept through the night before 18 months old!
I concur that my children were cuddled and carried and breast fed but also slept apart from me always (a co-sleeper that attaches to your bed as a long way from actually co sleeping…there is a wall between you, I could barely reach him if I was lying down) and they are three lovely, kind, warm, secure people I am proud to call my sons. There are many paths that lead to where you want to go in life…take the one that feels right to you and your husband and be prepared..sometimes it is different with each kid!
Oh I love this post! I am a first time Mom to an 11month old. It is so important to feel empowered to find your mothering style without heaps of mom guilt piled on! We are so good at guilting ourselves I don’t think we need help from well meaning friends and relatives
I love the way you talked about it. I try to be so balanced and open minded when other moms ask me for advice, just making sure they know this is what worked for me and I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do what I do. I know I am more of a babywise type momma and I actually put my baby in her own room from the start and plan to keep doing that, I just can’t get any sleep with all the little newborn noises, for me personally I would rather get up between sleep rather than never sleep 
Plus, my husband is really big on not cosleeping, though he gets up super early and I would often put her in bed with after he got up to make sure I got some of the cosleeping benefits too 
But it is unbelievable how much I feel I have to justify that and everything else I do even in my own head! It amazes me how militant some otherwise sweet people can be when it comes to baby rearing!! Great reminder to give people freedom and grace when it is not an issue dictated by the bible!
We pretty much stuck to the baby-wise method with my first because that’s what I was told was the best method. However, having done my own research, I think I’ll do more baby-wearing and try to breast feed with our next (second) little one. I believe their are good and bad aspects to both methods and it really does fall under spiritual liberty to choose which way works best for your family and your child.
I’m an older mom (well, older than you all are
and have ten children whose ages span a 17 year range. I have seen the gamut of approaches over the last quarter century and I personally swung in extremes between these two approaches during the infancy and toddlerhood of my first four children.
In the mercy of God, I had two blessings which stabilized my pendulum swings: a conversation with my 100 yr old grandmother about how things were done as she was growing up through the end of the 1800s/early 1900s and access to a medical book (I’m a RN) from the early 1900s describing recommended childcare practices from that time period. Guess what? Routine, not schedule, was the order of the day. (When I asked Grams about the perception that babies were kept on a strict schedule, she snorted and said you’d “lose [your] milk that way.”)
I look forward to the rest of your post(s)!
I agree. Routine, not schedule. Every baby is different so nursing strictly on a three hour schedule might not make enough milk. I did hear a mom say that she followed the baby wise schedule strictly and her daughter would cry after feedings (she implied b/c she was still hungry).
LOVE that talk with your Grandma!!! So special and sensible
Hi all,
Can someone please explain to me what the idea of “marriage bed” compared to a marriage bed with baby is?
I enjoyed your post Lindsay! But I love co-sleeping and in no way do I see it as a compromise in our marriage, nor does my husband.
Instead we see it as cherishing the shortest time of our baby’s life. I literally love having my two favorite people in bed with me.
Best wishes.
Love this post!
I did want to say that we are a cosleeping family up until it stops working for us. My first was about 18 months when we put him in his own bed and my second was about 20 months and my third is currently still in bed with us at 6 months.
I just wanted to say that for us we have found our time together has become more exciting outside of our bed and enjoy the season of this after each baby. but as Lindsay said each couple and family is different. I know that if we didn’t cosleep I wouldn’t be able to rest or relax without my baby right next to me. I get upset when moms that don’t cosleep insinuate that my relationship with my husband is not healthy or first because I cosleep (although I didn’t pick that up in this post) because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Cosleeping just works better for our family and our marriage.
What my mother in law did – and has worked out well for us – is to start baby in their own space for the night and then get them at their first wake up and cosleep for the rest of the night.
I have tweaked that and bring baby into bed when I am ready to go to sleep, because I discourage my babies from sleeping through the night as my fertility returns as soon as they do. Night time nursing produces a higher level of fertility delaying hormones, so making sure baby nurses at night is a priority for us. I also find I sleep better if I don’t have to get out of bed at night. Nursing in bed doesn’t disrupt my sleep much, but for some reason if my feet hit the floor I have a hard time getting back to sleep.
We are proud of our night feedings, too, for the benefit of natural child spacing.
We do that too! And I savor those late night house-finally-quiet times with my baby that ends all too soon.
Ugh, that must be why I get my Aunt Flo back so soon… my kids tend to be pretty decent sleepers
I have heard this alot!! My little one is 11 months old and still feeds 3-4 times per night, however my period returned at 8 weeks..same story with my older son!! I was not happy about that!!
It’s also important to remember that different children may require different approaches. My first children are twins, and I needed a much stricter routine than I have found I’ve needed with subsequent children. My oldest daughter has always slept well, but my son and my youngest daughter have had difficulty with sleeping well on their own. I’ve needed to modify my approach to encourage self- soothing and healthy sleep habits. I do bedshare in the early months as it helps everyone get more rest when I can BF easily by having the baby/babies right with me and don’t have to get in and out of bed frequently.
Wow, a much needed, well-balanced perspective! I’m so pleased to see it put this way, that neither way is THE Biblical way. We’ve landed somewhat in the middle ourselves, and I get discouraged when people assert that there is only one way to do it! Bottom line: mothers who attachment parent love their babies, and scheduling mothers love their babies too. Every baby, parent, and situation is different, and there is grace for each of us
. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing your personal approach to this controversial issue. I very much appreciate your emphasis on not judging others who do not practice the same techniques/styles as you may. You are right, neither can claim to be more biblical than the other in terms of black and white “thus sayeth the Bible” evidence. I think that when people (and especially authors) do point to the Word of God as their evidence for their particular parenting style (in this area) they end up stretching the text or even completely taking a text out of context in an effort to meet the particular needs of their argument.
I always love to see how others practically work out these issues in their family and get a glimpse into their home life with baby. My husband and I have come to a similar approach of using strengths from both of the extreme camps on this issue, but even so, some of the ways we organize and deal with things is different from you… and it should be, we are different families with different needs. Thanks again.
Our sleeping arrangements are very similar to yours. We keep the baby with us in bed for the first few weeks. It helps keep me sane from having to get out of bed a million times during the newborn feeding frenzy nights. They then transition to a bassinet till 3 months. Right now we have an extra room, so at 3 months we transition them from the bassinet straight to the crib, since I don’t have to worry about bedroom sharing.
However, I was wondering if maybe in a future blog post you would be willing to share some tips on room sharing with children. I’m considering putting my two girls together and one room and turning the extra room into a play room (as I might start an in home child care for a few years to pay off some college loans). I’m nervous to try this and would love some practical pointers.
We also found that baby in bed with me at the very beginning worked extremely well, although it was only a few weeks before each baby transitioned to new arrangements. It was a combination of baby sleeping longer stretches and the fact that mum and dad didn’t sleep as well (deeply) with baby in bed with us. More of a practical decision than a philisophical one.
I second that Lindsay! My 3 1/2 yr old girl and 1 1/2 yr old boy are about to become roommates! I would love some advice!
Thank you for this post Lindsay… as a mom of young children I have learned that the most important thing is to do what is best for you and your marriage. Parenthood is tough enough without being judged or ridiculed for your parenting decisions. We need to support and respect each other and our individual needs. Thank you for your encourageing words.
Thank you for this post Lindsay!
My husband and I are expecting our first in about three weeks. We have always known we would not do co-sleeping for the primary reason of keeping our marriage bed sacred and place for just mommy and daddy. Like you, though, aspects of attachment parenting are very appealing – particularly baby wearing.
I really enjoy reading how you’ve balanced these two main approaches. I think we will do something very similar when our little one arrives.