Conflict in any relationship will come, naturally because we are sinful and self-centered individuals. It can easily lead to separation and division if handled improperly, but by God’s grace with a little though, preparation, and self-control, it can result in further deepening in your relationship as well as growth in sanctification. My husband and I have experienced the greatest moments of intimacy after resolving a conflict. It is a good work! I have found these insights, gleaned from various sources, to be invaluable in learning how to handle conflict and sin gracefully and peacefully in a marriage.
1. Take it to the Lord first.
Before addressing any problem or area of sin, make sure to come before the Lord with the situation. Seek His wisdom and grace so that you might know how to gracefully address the issue. Often times, when we settle our emotions through prayer, we will realize the superficiality of the situation or receive the strength and grace to present it before our man. Make sure you really dig deep into your heart. Am I doing this out of selfish ambition or selfless love? Pray that your lips would be gracious seasoned with salt and would build up your husband as you speak (Ephesians 4:29).
2. Look to Scripture to affirm who you are in Christ.
Remember that you are loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). That God has made you beautiful and cherishes your role as a wife. Study the passages in Scripture where Jesus showed honor and respect to women to remind yourself of how he cared for our sex (Genesis 3:15 – annihilating defeat of Satan comes through the woman, Matthew 1 – women included in the lineage of Jesus, Luke 7:36-50, Mark 15:40-41, etc). You were created, along with your husband, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image (Genesis 1:28).
3. Apply that same value to your man. Value him as God does.
Men and women together mirror the image of God. Together with their own various giftings are able to reflect his character and image. Remember to value your husband as Christ values him when approaching a conflict.
4. Be a sister in Christ.
Remember that you are not merely your husband’s wife, but also his co-laborer in the Lord. We are called to hold each other accountable for pursuing godliness in our lives (Hebrews 3:13). Gary Thomas shares again: “A biblical marriage provides a smaller picture of the church. We should use the position and gifts God has given us ‘so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity of faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ’ (Ephesians 4:12-13).”
This is a process of sanctification that we should welcome and pursue. Let us have courage in Christ to be willing to confront each other in a godly manner so that we might grow together.
5. Give him time.
According to neurological studies discussed in What Could He Be Thinking? by Micahel Gurian, it has been shown that it may take men up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. I was astounded to learn this information, but apparently they have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system (which processes emotional experience), which means that we need to give them warning and room to process a problem.
Gary Thomas makes a powerful suggestion: “If you have a emotional issue that needs to be addressed, why not give your husband a heads-up several hours before you actually have a chance to talk? ‘Honey, something’s really been bugging me [or hurting me, or frustrating me, or worrying me]. Here it is in a nutshell. Can you think it over so that we can talk about it later tonight?’ By using this tactic, you’ll give him plenty of time to process complex emotional data.”
This also gives you time to really thoughtfully prepare how you want to address the issue and help control your varying emotions.
6. Guard against tears.
In For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn asks: “If you are in a conflict with the man in your life, do you think that it is legitimate to break down and cry? Most of us would probably answer yes. Let me ask another question: In that same conflict, do you think it is legitimate for your man to get really angry? Many of us have a problem with that – we think he’s not controlling himself or that he’s behaving improperly.”
The problem is we don’t realize that tears often come across as disrespectful to our husbands which often leads to anger on their part as they feel lack of respect. My tears can make my husband feel like a failure, and that is not the goal nor very helpful for bringing restoration. I think it would be valuable to consider the purpose of our tears before giving way to this emotion. Will they really help the situation? This is why it is really important to take an issue to the Lord first and surrender our desires and come in an attitude of humility and transparency. Pray for grace ahead of time not to cry but speak with self-control.
7. Believe in your man and express it.
Let your man know that you are committed to him, that you are on his side, and that you believe in him. This will help keep the doors open toward positive change and restoration in the relationship. Start with affirmation and expressing a few areas that you appreciate about him before addressing the problem or sin issue. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess. 5:13)”
8. Stay by his side.
My greatest temptation is to get up and simply leave the room in a conflict. I want to run from the situation. But restoration can come far more speedily when my husband knows I am willing to stay there until the issue is resolved. Again, I express my commitment to him, when I stay by his side. You may want to hold hands or make sure to face one another through the process. These are simply ways to keep your eyes on each other and focus on achieving peace.
I pray God would give us strength to stay strong in the midst of conflict, and cling ever more to our Savior. For through conflict, we prune back the areas of sin in our lives and help bring further growth in godliness. It is a challenging but fruitful process as long as we maintain humility by God’s grace.
“Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” Psalms 34:14
“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” Romans 14:19
Comment policy: Please strive to keep your comments positive and encouraging for the edification of others.
Just found this post, and I really appreciate it. Hope to be able to look up some of the scriptures. I sure could use the encouragement.
I finally gave this post a full read. Thanks Lindsay! I haven’t had the chance to read all the marriage series completely. What a great month!
I think you have excellent points here. And, I get the point about crying. It does not mean that all crying is inappropriate. I think in the Shaunti quote when she says “break down & cry” it is
probably not meant to be directed at crying from being truly sad about something. And, perhaps the she would be better off to compare that crying to yelling, rather than being angry? I have seen this to be a true comparison in my experience. The few times my husband has ever yelled at me, he wasn’t doing it because he was angry with me. He was either deeply hurt at something I said or did, or he was frustrated with not knowing how to express himself. Isn’t that why we woman cry a lot? I know I am guilty! I would like to exercise more self control & maturity in that area.
Thanks for the good word here!
I’m not married myself, but I find this very good information to have for the future. Thank you Lindsay!
I’m not married, but I found this article quite encouraging and something that I’m storing in my brain for future need, should the Lord bring a husband for me in the future. Thank you so much for your transparent, edifying sharing!
Hey, I just wanted to thankyou for honestly sharing your heart and your oppinions about marriage, conflicts, how to love your husband, etc. I’m am getting married in June and let me tell you there is not alot of practical, biblical advice for christian young women. So thank you for sharing it is a big help! Also thank your hubby for me, I’m sure he has to be a special person to let you write things that some men deem “personal” or “private.”
Kenny and I have not had major issues or problems come up but we have already figured out that I’m a “run and hide from conflict” person and he’s a “stand up and face it” type. I don’t cry much but I’ve already learned that I have to be VERY careful because whether I mean for it to be or not, because I don’t cry much, He is much more likely to give in to what I want (usually its to stop/ignore any conflict because its “hurting” me too much to deal with it) Thats really dangerous because I know it will hurt our relationship more later not to deal with things now.
Once again, thankyou both for sharing your heart about marriage!
Some thoughts about the crying issue…I know I cry when I am angry and hurt. Many times the two coincide. From what I am seeing many of us are looking at the crying issue from our perspective, why we do it, when we do it etc. However Shaunti is telling us how men perceive our crying. What they think, feel etc when we cry during conflict. Now, not all men see it that way, but it is something for us to think about. I know that for a lot of men it shuts down the conversation until they take care of us and our crying.
I understand the need to express how badly we are hurt and tears are a ‘natural’ response that shows that. But if you think about it that is/can be true for our men. Anger is how many men express their hurt. Look at how men deal with each other. Anger is part of that and the more hurt they are the more angry they are. In a conflict situation (which is what this post is about) both sides need to be under control for there to be a conversation and resolution.
Tears afterwards can be healing for both.
Our husbands want to be our knights in shining armor, comforting us, and taking care of us. Besides if you are doing all of the other things suggested in this post then there is less likelihood that there will be a need for tears. 
so much good stuff in here
i know my tears sometimes make my husband feel helpless. however, he’s also learned to use them as a gauge of how upset i truly am about something and to act accordingly.
great post, and I agree with it, however, I did ask my husband about the crying part and we both seem to feel that we don’t agree with the above statement. I could see crying being wrong when used to manipulate, however, my husband and I both agree that genuine tears show vulnerability between husband and wife. I don’t really cry a lot but it is a comfort to know I can cry in my husbands arms when we have an argument.
I have never looked at my emotional response of crying as being equal to him blowing up. Truthfully, it is how we let our anger out. A man blowing up is looked at as overreacting and violent. A woman’s tears signal for the man to shut down and tend to her needs. Both block the important communication that needs to take place. Hmmmm… This was a great post.
If sadness and crying is how you feel inside, then I believe it is wrong to try to “fake-it” and pretend like you are not sad and everything is happy-snappy. This goes for females and males. There is nothing wrong with showing the emotion of sadness.
On the other hand, if you are completely crying your heart out, then take time to let them show that emotion, regroup your thoughts, and then have a conversation.
Perhaps even cry and let it all out alone with the Lord, and then have the discussion with the person after you regain your cool. I think this is maybe what Lindsay was getting at….?
I also see Lindsay’s point about crying in women being equal to anger in men. I don’t believe she means the emotions are the same. But rather generally speaking, when women get frustrated and upset in a given situation they cry, whereas a man under those same circumstances, is likely to get mad.
Thanks so much for writing honestly about marriage as you have. My husband and I will be doing some marriage-building activities/reading in the next few months and it is always good to learn more about what I can do. I, like others, feel like the crying thing can go either way. Crying is a natural part of being human, and even a more natural part of being a woman. I agree that tears should not be used as manipulation and some people might be more prone to put on the tears, but I have never been one to be able to generate them when they’re not genuine. If I’m crying, it’s because I’m really hurt or upset. It doesn’t happen a lot, and when it does, they just flow. A bigger issue for me is guarding my tongue and not being “snippy” with my husband. Speaking softly is something I need to work on… I’m from a long line of German/Irish tempers! Taking it to the Lord is great advice. I think it’s a lot harder to get angry when you involve the Lord from the get-go
I’m a lot like you– I only cry when I am extremely frustrated or hurt– so my tears are always genuine, and they’re pretty rare. But on the other hand, sharp words can flow all too freely when I am not exercising self-control! Rather than tears, I tend to use sarcasm or discouraging words to manipulate my husband. So personally, that is what I need to watch.
Yes, Rebekah, that is totally me! So frustrating, too… I work on it daily. Some days I do really well, and some days, not so much
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I have tried so hard not to cry, but that’s the only way I can best express myself. It looks like many of us have the same issue. Sometimes I try to cry before I talk to him, but I’ve held back so many tears over the years of growing up that I need to be able to share my feelings in some way.
I think that fear of their wife crying can be the very thing that stops a man confessing something to his wife in the first place, it also stops the process and becomes one of consoling, rather than cleansing.
As hard as it is, I think this advice is correct.
I enjoyed this post and found it helpful. Like some other commenters, I’m not sure how I feel about your advice on crying. When I have been hurt, tears are my natural reaction. I don’t see how that is disrespectful. There are some times when I really don’t want to cry during discussions, so I can see how praying ahead of time is a good idea, but I still dont think if I do cry I am disrespecting my husband. Some situations just warrant tears.
Lindsay- Thank you for enabling the Lord to use you this month, I have checked more regularly for your posts to be encouraged and edified in my marriage. I praise the Lord for your wisdom, vulnerability and discernment.
Quick Question: one of the commenters above mentioned resolving conflict at bedtime and suggested to “table the discussion” and then handle it later on the next day, rather than at night. I have also come from a background of learning “do not let the sun go down on your anger” in other words, do not go to sleep until the conflict in your marriage is resolved. What has been your personal experience with this?
I have definitely found it difficult to try to resolve a conflict at bedtime because I am more inclined to be tired and far more emotional. The argument will often get dragged out and lead to exhaustion the next day. But at the same time, I cannot just wait till the morning (it causes difficulty sleeping for me), so that is why I like to give the heads up in the morning and have the discussion after the kids go to bed but not too late in the evening. This time to process is beneficial for both of us so that the conflict can be settled far more quickly because we both have been able to think it through and determine a good solution to the problem at hand.
Thank you again, Lindsay. Your February series has been so edifying and challenging. Just this morning on my way in to work, I was praying, so frustrated over my own anger and poor attitude towards some conflicts in my marriage. I prayed that the Lord would help me prepare myself to talk with my husband. And then I came to your site and lo and behold, He provided for me through your words! THANK YOU!!!
Wednesday evening, my husband and I had a very heartfelt conversation in which he shared things that were so difficult for him to say. By God’s grace, I did not dissolve into helpless tears or become defensive, but I listened calmly and then went to him, sat next to him, and addressed what he’d shared, calmly. I’ve never been able to do that before, and it made all the difference. I think there’s something about me crying that makes him feel like he has to go into rescue mode, which distracts from the issues at hand and may even exacerbate them. I’d never thought about that before.
I think this post is spot on. It sounds like you and your husband have found how to communicate well, even in conflict. I do also agree with some of the others commenting that crying isn’t always wrong. I think what you mean is that it’s wrong when it’s used as a manipulation device, when we get so overly emotional about the topic at hand, that we can’t rationally discuss it (as another person mentioned, woman can get angry too – which is just as wrong as crying to manipulate).
I’d also add that sometimes it’s good to wait to resolve conflict. It took a good three years of being married before I realized that right before bed was NOT a good time to argue. Before I was married, I received the advice that you should never go to bed angry. However, what we found was that our fatigue compromised our ability to discuss anything rationally.
So now, if something was bothering us and one or both of us were tired, we’ve agreed to table the discussion and then come back to it when we’re both in a better frame of mind. I guess this kind of goes along with #5.
Anyway, long comment to say, I really am glad you posted this.
I have to agree with Christian/MamaBearPing’s comment about before bed often not being the best time to discuss heavy topics or conflicts.
“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” to us means that we simply let it go… CHOOSE not to be angry… and know that we can always pick the discussion back up in the morning (if we want to. A lot of times it’s strangely not as important when the morning sun is shining!).
We can CHOOSE to love someone (and yes, sleep cuddled next to them!) even if there is a half-finished discussion waiting for the next day.
Lindsay,
I wanted to let you know that I have awarded you The Versatile Blogger Award. I have followed you for almost a year and I am always “well fed” here. Thank you for your inspiration! Please go to my link and see your award!
http://monicaelaine1.wordpress.com/2011/02/25/the-versatile-blogger-award/
To cry or not to cry in a conflict depends on a woman. If someone is very sensitive and is always bringing in the tears to everything—then she needs to improve in this area. There are other women like me who have a hard time crying, especially to their husbands. For some reason I was embarassed. Of course a time came when I had to cry (not because of him),and I cried for 2 hours. My husband did not mind and he shed a few tears of his own. It felt so good and I slept like a baby that night. Crying is like medicine…use it when you have to, but don’t abuse it. I have to disagree with Shaunti on her comparison, but some women need to tone it down in this area.
Very good advice that I really needed today. I’ve recently been struggling with an issue that my husband and I don’t agree on… Do you think a letter is an ok way to bring up the subject for a later discussion?
I would write out your thoughts in a letter, as this can certainly be a good starting point. It helps unload your thoughts before the Lord..but ultimately I would pray for God’s discernment as to what is the best way to communicate it to your husband -whether it be in letter form or verbal. You may just want to step back and evaluate the true significance of it and continue to pray for the grace for the right timing.
I had to do this sometimes in early marriage. We went through some really emotional times & sometimes it was too hard to get everything out on the table without crying. A letter really helped for us. I enabled me to “speak” clearly & gave my husband time to read & consider before we talked.
Great advice – particularly point 7.
I agree with Shaunti on the crying thing – I really really try not to cry in conflict but I’m a bit like Lauren D. I’m not sure I get/agree with it being disrepectful though – isn’t it ok to be honest about how the situation is feeling? Or is that selfish? I guess like Shaunti says, we wouldn’t like our husbands to be really angry…
God help us all!
I’m also going to have to disagree with the crying thing. Crying is not the female equivalent of anger; the female equivalent of anger *is* anger. Women are just as capable of anger as men, and men certainly do not lack the ability to cry. If a woman is using her tears as a manipulation device, then, yes, tears are wrong in that instance. If your husband is saying hurtful things that make cry, then perhaps he should be hurt by your tears to remind him that he, too, should remain respectful, just as you try to do. Granted, I do believe that there are many times when crying is just not practical for the situation and that tears should perhaps be held back, but it should not be because you feel ashamed or are afraid that your husband will lose respect for you. If he loses respect for you because of tears, perhaps that’s something he should seek counsel about.
Wonderful advice. Thank you, Lindsay.
I totally agree with the crying thing. It sounded crazy at first, but I’ve really had to learn to control my tears. I can cry easily (and once I start, it’s hard to stop!), but I’ve had to learn to use self control because my tears really do hurt my husband and I needed to learn to stop using my tears as a weapon, even if I am genuinely hurt or upset.
I’m not sure I agree with the crying thing. It really depends on the source of the tears. If you can turn them on and off in an attempt to manipulate your spouse, then crying’s certainly something to avoid in an argument or discussion. Praying for humility and a calm spirit is reasonable, but calling crying disrespectful is a bit of a stretch. Tears can change the “balance of power” in an argument—again, a reason not to use them to manipulate—but my husband has never felt disrespected when I’ve cried in an argument. I asked. lol
I agree. If I held back the tears I would feel as though I could not be myself in this situation.
I agree that tears shouldn’t be used as manipulation. And that it would be disrespectful used in that way. But I feel sincere tears can be very “cleansing!” My Grandma used to say that crying cleanses the soul.
I totally agree if you can turn them off and on you shouldn’t do that! But myself I am a very senitive person and can’t help but to cry (I cry when I am very happy as well). Often times when I cry during a conflict my husband sees that maybe he has been to harsh and calms down a bit and we can actually talk and get through the “arguing” part of it all! The part about it making your husband feel like a failure I am sure it true but I am also sure it is true that when your husband yells or loses his temper that it also makes you feel like a failure! Thank you for your comment! God bless!
Great post! Thought you might be interested in a similar post: http://visionbaptist.com/homebuilders/2011/01/31/who-pays-for-your-spouses-sin/#comment-4