Written by monthly contributor, Natalie Didlake.
Imagine for a moment: one night, you sit down on the couch next to your husband, put your feet up to relax, and start talking. You’ve been waiting all day to tell him what’s on your mind.
He turns to you, rolls his eyes a little, and grumbles, “Well, honey, it’s my joooob to listen to you jabber about your day, the kids, and what you made for dinner, so (sigh…) go ahead. But keep it short.”
(Tension in the air.)
This imaginary story hardly begs an explanation! Let’s draw it out anyways.
Duty vs. Desire
We wives can never be satisfied with less than being enjoyed, loved, and adored. Especially when it involves romantic, mushy-gushy things like…talking. A dutifully-listening husband would just not cut it.
OK. Now, time to flip it around.
Don’t our husbands want the same kind of treatment from us? They want us to enjoy, love, cherish, desire, and delight in them! Especially when it involves romantic, mushy-gushy things like…well, you know what they love! I think we all know how important intimacy is to our husbands. The real question is, how can a wife rise above duty (merely being “available” for, or present during, intimate times), to really love and adore her husband? Let’s put ourselves in our husbands’ shoes, and think it through.
A husband wants his wife to honor him by being delightfully interested in spending intimate time together! What does that mean? A wife shows genuine interest when she pursues not only his, but also her own enjoyment.
(Crickets.)
Some wives might say that’s not selfless or truly loving. Let’s go a step further and work through it.
This is the part that really rocks my socks: that pursuing my enjoyment in intimacy with my husband is good, because my marriage should reflect the Christian’s pursuit of delight in God!
Whoa. Unpacking time.
Delight in God
John Piper says the way we glorify God is by enjoying him. It’s not complicated. If I love God…think he’s wonderful, awesome, and amazing, doesn’t that say something about him? Doesn’t that show him honor?
Here are some of my fave scriptures that tell how we should be absolutely tickled at God…and that we get to be with him:
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11)
My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. (Psalm 84:2)
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)
Oh, to be enraptured with God, to derive our greatest pleasure and happiness from him!
Delight in Your Husband
Likewise, in marriage, if you were absolutely delighted by being with your husband, wouldn’t that honor him for all that he is?
Don’t you, deep down, want to be caught up in delight and pleasure with your husband?
Every woman dreams of that. But when your husband is less than loving …when he hardly inspires delight and adoration…when you have no extra love to overflow…
God answers our womanly dream. He is the perfect inspiration of delight to our feminine hearts.
You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you. Isaiah 62:4-5
Give of that overflow, to your husband…and love it!
Some Practical Tips
- Pray that you will love marital intimacy.
Do this first. You cannot have real love and delight for your husband unless God places it in you.
- Meditate on Bible passages that describe God’s love and delight in you. (See my favorites above)
Allow God to heal your soul from believing you’re not loved, pursued, or don’t deserve to enjoy your marriage. You don’t, but Christ bought it for you. Use scripture to tell your soul to receive it.
- Take responsibility for your role.
If you have a passive attitude about intimacy, and you think it’s your husband’s job to make it fun for you, sorry. You get out what you put in.
- If you’re not “there yet”, don’t give up.
Discouragement can be your worst enemy. Don’t create self-fulfilling prophecies in your head. “Well, it’s never been all that great up till now…” Hope. Learn. Keep trying. Relax. It’s not supposed to be that difficult!
- Talk honestly with a trusted older married lady friend.
- Know your body.
It’s not magic! Learn about your physical makeup and what “tends” to work.
- Read books. In this order, I like:
A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy, Dr. Douglas Rosenau
Intended for Pleasure, Ed & Gaye Wheat
The Act of Marriage, Tim LaHaye
- Establish traditions and routines.
- Break traditions and routines! (Sometimes.)
Keep it varied & FUN.
- Pray again that you will love marital intimacy.
You might feel you’ve tried everything. Ask God to help you understand yourself. “He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.” (Isaiah 30:19)
What will you do to improve on/continue to show your delight in your husband?
I need help…..my husband and i have been married for 10 years….wehahase 3 beautiful children together….we used to have to most amazing sex life! We were so in live and so passionate. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Well a year ago it all changed. He just stopped having sex with me. He hardly touches me anymore and he does not even look at me the same. It has called many problems in our marriage almost to the point of divorce. We couldn’tworked things out but he is still not interested in sex. At first he would blame it on me but now we are getting along great except for not being intimate with each other. Everything i ask him about it he sits down or has an excuse. I think it is something going on with time medically but he won’t talk totme about it. I pray every day that god will give us back what we had and make him want to be with me in that way again. I am only 30 years old and i feel like im wasting my youth away.PPlease pray for my marriage and for god to give us desire and passion and intimacy back…. If it doesn’t get better soon i don’t think my marriage will last and i don’t want a divorce. I love my husband and i just want m back
Sorry about the spelling my phone auto corrected some stuff on its own
How can I enjoy intimacy,sex and love when I never had it the first place. I’ve been married on paper not in real life for 45 years. I’ve only had sex once in my entire life and that was on our wedding night. My husband told me that it was gross, messy, sticky and just plain disgusting. Plus he got no enjoyment out of it, and wondered what the big deal was. He then told me he never wanted anything like that again, and he was moving to the basement to away from me. The next day he announced that he volenteered to work midnights. That went on for over 40 years. I was so shocked I couldn’t even react to what I was told. I don’t know what happen, why and horribly confused. From the day after our wedding till today we never talk and I rarely see him. I’m now in my mid 60s and don’t care about sex, intimacy or my worthless husband. I use to be a loving person now I’m a cold and miserable person, I hate all men no matter who they are. I just try to stay away from our house and him.
I have been married 45 years and I really don’t know what intimacy , love, and sex is all about. To every one this sounds unusual but its true. After we were married he deopped a bomb on me that he wasn’t interested in anything a marriage consisted of. Why did he marry me, and all I got was he wanted to see what it was like. And in his eyes he immediatly hated it , me and things in general. He also decide to start working the midnight shift and that has went on for more than 40 years. He worked every holiday and never took his vacations! Plus right after we were married he moved to the basement. Its been a horrible depressing, lonely life but I made it. I’m at the age where I never think about intimacy, love ,sex or my husband. I do my own thing and try to be happy. Maybe its wrong of me to feel that way but I can’t help it.
Dear Amy, I can only suggest professional help from a very empathetic Christian counselor or therapist to help you through these issues you are suffering through. It must be horrifically lonely . I cannot imagine the constant sting of rejection. Your husband obviously has issues,,, God only knows what . But you can only be okay, and for that matter, if your husband is” reachable… he can only be helped, first by God and prayer and by your doing good for you… that would be the first and vital step. Blessings, and i’ll add you to my prayer list. I hope you get this somehow.. I’m sorry I’m finding it years later ( But God still hears… so i’ll pray on…)
I am very grateful to come across this site…I am a Christian, but out of desperacy I just googled “is something wrong with me if I have no desire for sex?” And the results eventually led me here.
I am only 26, and I have only ever had sex with my husband. My husband was previously married with a woman who was extremely sexually active with him in every way, but I have obviously just been learning as I go with him. We have been married for 2 years now, and while I enjoy having sex with him, I’m usually just not interested until we’re in the middle of the act.
We are closer and in more harmony in every area of our lives right now than ever before – except sex. I guess it is because of this closeness and trust we have established that tonight my husband confessed to me that he believes I am dishonoring him and humiliating him with my lack of interest to pleasure him more than once a week. He believes that I am being selfish with my body according to Scripture. Since he is all I know of sex, I don’t know if he has too high expectations or if something is wrong with me. He said that he feels that most times I am only having sex with him out of duty (even though I am truly enjoying it and I tell him), which for him makes it worse than just not doing it. But then if we don’t have sex more frequently, he gets frustrated and feels rejected and that I am not caring for his needs. HELP!!!
I have been praying about this issue for 2 years now! And it is now threatening our marriage! He confessed that if God doesn’t give me a miracle for me to change my attitude about sex that we will not survive together. I don’t know what to do except keep praying as I have. Any words or advice is appreciated since I have no other women in my life to go to…
Hey Amber—I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, I will for sure pray for you. I would for sure see someone if there is any physical going on. Also, while I am for sure not an expert (I have only been married two years), I am going to list some stuff that I read that I find helpful.
Here is a blog I regually read–It is written by a Christian woman:
http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/
Here is a book we read together. The guy who wrote this was a professor I had at Seminary, he is a retired OB/GYN:
http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intimacy-Marriage-William-Cutrer/dp/0825424372/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1315863559&sr=1-2
The title of the book is ‘Sexual Intamacy in Marriage’ by William Cutrer (in case the link doesn’t work) This book was really helpful to us.
Here is another blog that I read:
http://sheilawraygregoire.com/
It is written by a Christian woman from Canada. Her blog isn’t all about sex, it’s all about marriage, but she writes every Wednesday a Wifey Wednesday entry.
Like I said I am not an expert. I am 28, been married for two years and have only had sex with my husband. He was also previously married. So I can empathize with you on those two things. If you would like to e-mail back and forth I’d be totally up for it. I’m not an expert but I know it can be hard if you have no one to talk to about things like this.
Another random thought: How are you communicating to him that you are enjoying the sex? Perhaps just telling him isn’t enough. During whatever specific thing that he is doing could you moan maybe? I’m saying fake an orgasm or anything, but there are certain places my husband touches and kisses that I enjoy more, so I make sure he knows it. It serves two purposes: he knows that I like that specific action and he will do it more often, so maybe my motor will get to running faster (or at all if it’s not at that point in time).
I hope that’s not too much on this website.
Also, what is your bedroom like? In the place we lived before we had a really small bedroom and the closet doors were a pain to slide open and shut. He wanted to take the doors off–I begged him not to do it. I knew if he did I would be thinking about how unorganized the closet was while I was suspose to be focusing on him–he quickly agreed not to take the doors off.
Also you could see a therapist. The guys who wrote the book from above is a certified sex therapist, so maybe there is one in your area.
I will pray for you–if you’d like to e-mail back and forth let me know.
–R
My heart aches for you Amber. Though I have been on the opposite side from you I feel that there are so many things we have in common. I do also feel for your husband, because I know that even though you love him and are not intending to reject him that pain is very real for him and something he will need to learn to deal with differently. I used to whine and fight and cry to try to convince my husband to make love to me! It was awful of me and very manipulative. However, we can only really change ourselves!
My husband challenged my role in our intimacy, I always wanted him to pursue me yet I was the one pursuing. I was leading and directing our sex life. While some may say this was fine, for us it was not, it lacked submission on my part. When I started to submit to him and not pressure him, he was more likely to desire me. Submission is key in all areas of our marriage.
Another thing that I would examine, is the wounds you may be experiencing because of his past sexual experience. Are you comparing your self? Have you completely forgiven him? (though it was not against you at the time, you may have anticipated marrying someone as pure as yourself). This is something that I too had to walk through, not allowing the past to be present in our bedroom, or in my thoughts. If we can’t leave it at the cross, what good was Christ’s sacrifice?
There is no norm for how often a couple should have sex! As often as you want or agree to. If you are having sex once a week make it your goal for now to have sex twice a week and start preparing your self for sex in advance. Wear something around the house that makes you feel sexy, have a bath to relax, pray for desire… Preparing your body, mind and spirit in advance will go a long way to helping you be in the mood. And it will help him to see that you are making an effort. If there are things you like, TELL HIM! Teach him how to turn you on! How and where to touch you, things to say… Be honest if you don’t enjoy something. Openness and trust go a long way in the bedroom.
I’m sure I could keep going… Hopefully some of this helps! You aren’t alone…
Allison
Hi Amber,
My heart went out to you as I read your post Sunday evening. Alison had some great advice. I have had similar problems re: desire but it has been linked to my hormones. I have posted about it in earlier comments on this post. Knowing that helps my husband and I plus we communicate about everything trying understand each other. I would encourage you to also go to God’s Word and find vs to memorize, help, pray in this area. There are good ones in Song of Solomon, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, 1 Cor, Ephesians, etc. When my hormones are low after having a baby and nursing….we take extra time, I pray before and during because I know this is what God desires and I want to make it fun for my husband…so it’s not a selfish prayer.
One book that I have found very helpful in my married years has been: Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. If you don’t have one, I think I have an extra copy and can send it to you. Just send me your email address and then you can give me your address.
Another short daily tip that I receive is from The Generous Wife to keep me focused on my husband each day. It gives me fresh ideas, thoughts, plans, etc.
http://www.the-generous-wife.com/ You can subscribe to her daily tip by signing up on her site. Her husband does one for husbands that is great too! The Generous Husband. They have some good articles/resources on their page, too.
Praying for you!!
Amber,
there is a staement in your comment that really troubles me… I have been burdened to come back and comment again because of it. you say “He confessed that if God doesn’t give me a miracle for me to change my attitude about sex that we will not survive together.”
I am troubled by this because it is very dangerous for us to make such statements to our spouse. In your wedding vows was there anything specific about sex? and about sex being the hinge on which your marriage would live or die? i highly doubt it. Though, it does say in scripture that our bodies belong to our husbands and vice versa, it does not give a free pass to divorce for lack of sex! Is sex central to marriage? or is God central to marriage? If sex is central then by all means divorce over a lack of it, or too much of it, or when sex gets tough after a baby or when someone is too sick to have sex, or when you just plain don’t think you want to have sex with the other person any more because you have fallen out of love… However, if God is central to marriage, which He is, then when we are committed to God, we will also be committed to working through any and all issues in our marriages.
I hope this doesn’t come accross as cold, it isn’t meant that way at all. In fact, I said those same words to my husband in anger in our first year of marriage. But your husband needs to reevaluate his statement and you need to reevluate your attitude. Marriage is more important than sex, but sex in marriage is God ordained and beautiful and is not to be forsaken.
Currently, I am reading a book titled “Created to be his Help Meet” by Debbi Pearl. I highly recommend reading it as it addresses so many of these issues and more. In what i read today she stated “live with thanksgiving, forgiveness and joy…” these three things are total attitude tranformers. Her and her husband have been married for 35+ years and they have the most amazing relationship. Who better to get advice from than someone so very experienced! My 6 years is a shadow!
Blessings on you,
Allison
Allison,
I am just wondering if you are also familiar with the Pearl’s book on training up a child. Is that one you prescribe to also?
Linda
Thank you for this. If anyone sees my reply and has the time, I would really appreciate prayer in this area.
My husband and I are still young (27 yrs old) and we’ve been married about 4 years. We’re both going through body ailments but my problems are really making sex difficult. We have a 10 month old right now who is the most wonderful little boy I could dream of, but after having him, I now have a prolapsed bladder, uterus, rectum and my vaginal walls bulge out and it makes sex painful most of the time. So of course I usually don’t have a desire to have sex but I still want to please my husband … but he doesn’t want to have sex if I’m not getting anything out of it. Please pray for us, that sex would be enjoyable for both of us! Thank you
Hi Heidi, I will definitely pray for that! If your haven’t already done so, I highly recommend finding a physio therapist who specializes in pelvic floor treatment. All of the issues that you are describing have everything to do with having a weak pelvic floor that really needs strengthening. (it will take time!) I have an abdominal separation and have experienced (mildly) some of these other things as a result. It has been a huge help to have an EXCELLENT physio therapist who is trained to specifically deal with these issues!
I do pray that you would recieve the full healing that God can provide!
Thanks Allison! It’s been almost a year since I wrote that comment but I finally have seen some improvement. I did see a physical therapist for a little while until our insurance got dropped but I continued to do the exercises she suggested.
Now we’re thinking about trying to have another baby, so it’s time to start the process over again! hahah
But I think I will try to see a physio therapist after this birth! Thanks so much for the response!
Ya know God may have created sex between a husband and a wife, but some where along the line my husband was switched off. That was 30 years ago and I would say my hubby and I had sex maybe 40 times in our entire life, meaning since we were married til 10 years later . He developed E/D early in life and refused to see his doctor. I stated that I have my needs and there not being met. He told me to take up knitting or some other hobby I have been so disappointed, lonely, not wanted with my husband. I was depressed for many years, now it doesn’t bother me to much. I guess I’ve become hardened to the fact that I married loveless guy.
He doesn’t want sex with me or any one else nor is he into porn! He’s moved himself and all his things down stairs where he’s built an extra bedroom and a small kitchen. For years we have been living as apartment dewellers.
I just wanted to let you know that I included this post on my “Great Links to Honest Sex Talk”
http://mamamiamcmasters.blogspot.com/2011/04/great-links-to-honest-sex-talk.html
Loved the post & have read all the comments! I started out as one who didn’t love sex with my hubby, just endured it. I got fed up with that and made a conscious decision to make a change about 7 years ago. I read Intimate Issues & prayed like crazy! Now, our drives are both high & very equally matched. I have two ideas….
First, I believe that age plays a factor. I am 37 now, but at 25 I had a much lower sex drive. Anyone relate? I’ve heard that we women hit a peak in our 30s.
Second, nobody has discussed orgasm in this discussion. If your husband didn’t have a guaranteed climax, he probably would not be so interested in sex. Right?? Ladies, if you don’t orgasm or it’s not consistent then you & your husband need to learn your body together. I hope this does not offend anyone but God himself created male and female orgasm. My husband & I learned together the things I need in order to climax…specific foreplay, specific positions, etc. And it’s not always during intercourse and that’s ok with us. He is willing to do whatever I need in order to experience the pleasure of me enjoying myself. Most men are this way but often we are too self conscious, embarrassed, or we don’t want them to feel inadequate. We need to speak up sisters! I will never forget the night I told my husband that I wanted to start enjoying sex more, that God had created it to be pleasurable for both of us, and that I wanted to work on together. What man is going to say, “naw, I’d rather it stay ho-hum”?? He was all over the idea of me being more “into” it. And I agree with a previous commandos, the more you do it, the more you will want to. But pray!! I prayed “Lord, I know you intended for this to be so much more pleasurable for me than it is. Please make this part of our relationship all that you intended for it to be. Give me a strong physical desire for him.” He did and He gets all the glory!!
I’m so sorry but I can’t proofread so I pray that He will use something I’ve written to help at least one person. Btw….we’ve had 7 children in 13 years of marriage so I can relate to hormones, exhaustion, etc. God bless you all!!
Hi Whitney, I totally agree about climax. When we go a long time without me climaxing, I start to not care about sex so much. I’ve always kind of been afraid to have a conversation like you did with your husband. I almost feel as though he’d see it as falling short of what he should be. Like I’m disrespecting him or something. I thoroughly enjoy being physically intimate with my husband, but a lot of the time it ends, he falls asleep, and I’m left just going crazy because I was turned on but not even close to being satisfied. Anyone else been able to find a solution to this like Whitney did?
Beth,
I hope it is okay to get really specific here…
I have never been able to orgasms with penal penetration. My husband & I figured out very early how to bring the orgasm for me, but it still frustrated him. Like things weren’t normal, he wasn’t doing something right, he was inadequate or something… But, I read in the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, that only 30% of woman are able to orgasm with penal penetration. It is very normal for you to require additional stimulation. In the book she shows the development of genitalia, as a baby grows in the womb. Your “sweet” spot is not at your vaginal canal. So, it is SO normal to require something else. Neither you, nor your husband need to feel defective or inadequate.
Yes, yes, yes! Like Whitney, I had a lot of frustration at the beginning of our marriage because I wasn’t climaxing. I finally talked to my husband, and he was more than willing to work on it.
It is so important to tell your man what’s going on… otherwise he will assume that everything is fine, and you will end up harboring bitterness.
Oh, and like Erin, intercourse just doesn’t do it for me. So we had to experiment.
My sweet husband doesn’t mind, and though I felt weird or sub-par at the beginning, it isn’t a big deal to me anymore.
Beth,
What helped us as a couple was an older man counseling my husband re: his role in sex: to put his wife before himself (Phil 2) and to always make his goal my pleasure every time. He was very specific re: positions, etc. One of the greatest pieces of advice given: thrusting does not stimulate a woman but causes a man to orgasm quickly. The “grinding” motion(going around in circles, so to speak, with pressure) hits the clitoris which helps a woman to start building. The woman moves too….my husband now describes it as a beautiful dance. It really is. As she is about to orgasm and lets her husband know, then the thrusting makes it all happen simultaneously. This can be done man on top, woman on top…both work. After 16 yrs marriage, 9 children and plummeting hormones w/ nursing baby, there have only been a handful of times that we have not climaxed together. If your husband is open to discussing it w/o being offended or feeling attacked, then maybe this will help you also. If you are humble and try and talk with him from your heart then he may not be offended if he understands how you feel “let down”.
The other piece of advice given to my husband was: hold each other afterwards, don’t just turn over and fall asleep. Hope this helps! I will be praying for you.
hi joyfulmom, i have some questions about the method you described. may i have your email address? if you don’t want to post your real one, you could make a new email address just for this. you might be able to help others, too, who are too shy to post.
great words of encouragement- thank you sister!
Thankyou sooo much for this! I am 24 newly married and i thought it was time to give up on intimacy in my marriage. My husband is unhappy and i am lost. I was starting to give in and give up but this has given me so much hope. I am grateful that i am not alone. I will def have to do more praying. Any other suggestions?
Star – I a few months ago, I found this website (Christian website) and she walks you through 29 days to great sex. It really helped me a lot. And I’ve never been able to have an orgasm through actual intercourse with my husband, only through oral sex (I hope that doesn’t offend anyone) but after I followed some of her advice, I have had some orgasms through intercourse as well! That’s a huge deal … we’ve been married almost 5 years so I was really happy! She also addresses many other issues. I would recommend checking it out. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-1-the-act-of-marriage/
So glad to see you post on this, Natalie!!! What a blessing! This part of the marriage stabilizes all the rest of our marriage if our delight is in the Lord, we understand this “know”ing part of our relationship from God’s Word, and we think of the other’s needs/desires(which is what love is all about, right?).
Now to another problem for some ladies: if any of you nurse and have lack of desire after a baby is born, then please let me know. I experience this each time after baby is born and it is due to hormones plummeting farther than normal. I didn’t know what was going on after 1st baby, but then found out and was relieved. Thereafter, my husband and I have known how to handle it and to laugh and pray and be patient!!! Truly comical at times to think of raging hormones and big pregnant belly to opposite after baby is born. I have a desire to help ladies in this area as I was frustrated in first trying to find answers b/c each lady I asked would tell me they had not experienced this. It wasn’t until after I talked with a couple of drs, midwives, etc that I realized what was happening.
I am having that problem right now! I’m so relieved to hear that its more common than i thought, because this is my third baby and it didn’t happen at all with my other two. I am starting to feel like a horrible wife because my husband and I have always really enjoyed our time together, but now I dread it, and it’s definitely become more of a duty. I was thinking that maybe it’s because I’m nursing, and thats always a little awkward to be sharing the baby’s food source. Then I thought it was my post pregnancy body which is always a little more chubby than normal. But I’m relieved to hear that its hormones. Does it just go away with time? Should I go back to my doctor? I would love to hear your advice!
Hi Erin, so glad to hear from you. For me, it starts to change after I quit night feeding my baby, which is around a year. I usually stop nursing not long after that, too. If you do go back to the doctor he will most likely give something like a Premarin creme. I had some free samples given to me but my husband and I decided after reading the possible side effects that we would rather deal with the low sex drive problem than the other.
Yes, I have times where it’s aggravating to me to have breasts touched when at other times it’s the opposite. This is where my husband and I laugh b/c we know it is all biological and not a reflection of our relationship. We joke about the “no touch zone”. It may be that way starting out on a particular time but as sex progresses then that is reversed. Don’t assume it will stay that way during the sexual act. My husband has always been focused on giving me pleasure (i.e. orgasm…pleasure to me sounds so much more romantic
) as the end result; therefore, he is so patient to wait on me to start “feeling” something going on. I, on the other hand, tend to be more impatient but b/c I want to “love” my husband I hang in there knowing that gives him pleasure. I often pray during these times and ask God to help me to climax as I know that this pleases my husband and I enjoy it, too.
.
My advice: pray(God cares and wants to show Himself strong even in this area), be patient, communicate with your husband, make love even when you don’t have the slightest interest knowing that God will honor that and that is what speaks “love” to your husband as well as reduces stress in both of your lives and reaffirms that oneness. Know that “this too shall pass” if it’s the normal “bottoming-out” of your hormones.
I am seeking some advice from another source that may give me something ‘natural” that I can take to help balance the hormones. I will let you know what I find out.
We have a large family so I have been thru this maaannny times
Natalie,
I just want to say that this post was a God-send to me. I have struggled with wanting/appreciating this “part” of my marriage for years and its nice to know that other people have the same struggle. It was a welcomed reminder that I should be turning to God for help in this area first and foremost. Thanks again!!!!!!!
Wow-what an incredible discussion you gals have got going on here. A friend pointed me to your site because she knows I’m passionate about helping women in this area. I’ve written a book called Is That All He Thinks About? (How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband). It’s a fun book written from a biblical perspective and even has a chapter entitled, When He’s Not Interested.
http://amzn.to/dFqItN
If you’d like a copy, I’d love to send you one.
Would LOVE to read your chapter, When He’s Not Interested !!
Just chiming in to echo some of the above commenters–it’s not doing Christian women any good to perpetuate this myth that: 1. Men always have a higher sex drive than women and 2. Women tend not to “enjoy” sex as much as men, and must push themselves to enjoy sex. While they may be true some of the time, when Christian women hear these myths, esp when they’re single, this plays powerfully into their expectations about sex when the time comes to marry. When a Christian woman with a high sex drive marries a man with a lesser sex drive than her, if she’s been fed the above myths, she usually ends up feeling very confused, embarrassed and wonders what’s wrong w/ both her and her husband! (This was certainly the case for me early on in my marriage. Until I came to realize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, as a woman, simply b/c I had a higher sex drive. And sadly enough, I soon learned that so many other women in the church has also previously believed these myths.)
So why not write a post on intimacy that doesn’t make such assumptions?
Thanks for your comment! I think anyone who’s read the comments on this post will get a good education on the varied sexual experience in marriage. I also think you are right to call for more writing that addresses women who have stronger drives.
That said, I would really challenge you to go back and read the post with more of an open mind. I, personally, have been on both sides, but more so longing for deep emotional connection in my marriage. Please note that I never made the assumption all women are built this way. Truth be told, many are. My opening example was merely a transition into the real meat at the end, that I thought many women would relate to.
I would also challenge you to go back and read the post focusing more on a woman’s relationship with God, and what it brings to bear on her marriage bed. I think we can all learn from interaction here that: 1. All women have needs/desires they want their husbands to meet. 2. Husbands (and we wives!) fall short of being able to totally fulfill them. 3. Only God can do that.
The number of comments in this direction have surprised me, but something else isn’t surprising: the fact that we all put too much stock in other people and what they can do for us, rather than allowing God alone to sit on the throne of our hearts.
One book that I thought was really helpful was: Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn. I had classes Dr. Cutrer when I was in Seminary and he is a very nice man, retired OB/GYN that specialized in infertility issues and high-risk births. The two have also written other books about infertility and a couple fiction books that my husband and I are reading together and are quite exciting. My husband and I read the book Sexual Intimacy together soon after we got married and it was very helpful in opening up conversations about things–I highly recommend any of his books.
I just have to say I am soooooo happy to have read this post and comments! I – like alot of other wives – have a much stronger drive than my husband and have struggled with the “why doesn’t he desire me” feelings myself. My husband has also struggled with the feeling that something was wrong with him because according to society – husbands typically have a much stronger desire than wives. It is so encouraging to see we are not alone on this topic. The thought of sexual enhancers to him makes him feel as though he is not adequate enough for me so that is something that has never entered our marriage bed. However after reading some comments and going to book22.com to see what is available out there (I too am very naive when it comes to enhancements) I was surprised to see, and happy to see that the items listed are not to replace what has naturally been given to us, but to enhance. They also have a page listed with links to sites (christian sites) that discuss sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife. For all those who are wondering what do to do when our husbands have very little desire you may want to check out themarriagebed.com there is alot of info on the “problems” page as well as how to initiate the desire in our husbands. Alot of times our husbands are visually aroused, but it is something that is also built up over time – we may have to prep our husbands everyday for a week before he is ready – but I have a feeling that week of prep work will be worth it in the end!
Yesterday I wore eye makeup (typically I wear very little makeup) when my husband came home he was playful and frisky, on the way home from doing groceries he said to me very nonchalantly “your eyes look very sexy today, they were the first thing I noticed when I came in the door” (and this was before checking out themarriagebed.com – I did not have a chance to check that our until this morning) Talk about lighting up like a light bulb! My husband kinda chuckled and commented “did you do it on purpose?” I said no (which was half true) then he laughed and said “my word you are glowing in the dark!” I was as giddy as a teenager, and there was no way I could hide it…. I hope he took note too at how much that compliment did for me! So my point in sharing that was after experiencing that last night and reading about building visual arousal this morning – I would have to say it is in fact truth. Unfortunately being a mom of 3, building visual arousal is not an easy task! I very rarely have the time or energy to dress to impress or make conscious efforts to visually arouse someone. But I am going to try my hardest to visually arouse my husband every chance I get. If I can dress up and throw on a little make-up to go out into the “world” why wouldn’t it be as important for me to dress up and put on some makeup for my husband – after all he is much more important to me than anything this “world” offers!
Natalie,
I have been keeping up with a lot of these comments and I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your honest and helpful thoughts. This is so much needed in our world today. I feel the need to un-taboo the subject of sex in my circle of friends and it seems that you are on the same page.
This is awesome and I am so glad that you’re giving thoughtful responses to each woman. It is clear that you are not just out to make a great blog, but to encourage women. That’s amazing.
Thank you, Linda. That’s very uplifting to me. The only thing I don’t want is for other women to feel alone as I have in the past! Thanks girl.
I am all for more talk about healthy sexuality. I do think that sex is a gift for both men and women, not just a gift for the guy and a duty for the gal. I am trying to keep an open conversation going on my blog as well dispelling some of the more popular myths in media. I hope more women can help paint a realistic and healthy picture of what a great marriage bed can be, and what the road towards that looks like. Thanks for your willingness to share. I think this post is great, and would love more candid talks about sexuality.
This is my latest post about sexuality:
http://mamamiamcmasters.blogspot.com/2011/02/newleywed-bed.html
I love to hear of Christian women encouraging other Christian women in this area but I wish I could relate. I wish ladies would post about what to do if your hubby is LESS interested than you in this area. It usually feels more like intimacy would be a gift for me, not him. I have an (apparently) unusally high drive and his is exceptionally low – not a good combo and I don’t know what to do with that.
He should have his testosterone checked. A low testosterone level can cause a low drive.
bek, i am SO there with you!!! it’s not that he doesn’t enjoy it or want it but our drives are just reversed that is all there is too it! i have heard all sorts of things pointing to something be “wrong” with him but that is just not the case! i wouldn’t say my DH’s drive is “exceptionally low” but it is certainly lower than mine and it is very frustrating at times and i don’t every want to be “pushy” in any area of our relationship, let alone this one cause then what fun is it??? BUT just like the answer to the issue that was talked about the only REAL answer to this situation is prayer and God’s guidance. i don’t really think that there is anything wrong with our situation… God doesn’t do cookie cutter!!! we just have a different issue to deal with and watch God work through
I totally understand! I would like to have some advice on how to handle this issue.
Oh, I pray for this so often these days, as I am pregnant, tired and nauseous. I literally pray that God gives me the desire and energy to be lovingly intimate with my husband, which frankly, seems impossible at times. It is not impossible, and God blesses those who seek him. Hence, I have a fulfilled husband, and somehow, God blesses me with well-needed rest. Not to mention, when my husband is energized(by intimacy), he is overjoyed to help me around the house more. God is good! Thank you for your blog, it is well-written and certainly God inspired.
Christian Nymphos is a great christian site for for wives who want more info, help and prayer in this area of their marriages!
What a strange, strange coincidence. This post is very relevant to my life right now. I’ll go ahead and be the weak, bitter woman and just say it can be like hurtling a mountain to even utter a simple prayer for change.
I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather when I was young–for a period of several years. I go in an out of being functional and receptive to sex. Right now, I feel a deep hatred towards all men. I don’t even feel motivated to get to the right perspective, which would involve compassion and prayer towards men, who are bombarded with temptation at every corner.
Right now, I’m fully giving in to the victim mindset. It seems so unbalanced!
What force is it that so strongly drives men–even Christian men–to at best: be tempted to overlook their “whole” wives in favor of sexual satisfaction or, at worst, go for things like pornography or other forms of adultery. I hate that God made men this way.
And my husband happens to be one of the purest I know, and I STILL have an amazingly hard time with it. He honors me to his utmost, but I still see him as a man. I have been abused and used by almost every single male who has ever expressed an interest in me. And it’s so hard to get past that.
Will sex ever be a beautiful thing to me? Right now, I’m facing a lot of discouragement.
Your sharing here is bringing tears to my eyes. I am praying for you right at this moment. Even that God would give you the strength to carry this to Him.
My dear, dear sister,
First, I am so sorry that you have experienced abuse. Mine was very minor, but it still has affected me in many ways for a long time.
Second, I understand what it’s like to hardly be able to pray for change, when you are too depressed or overwhelmed or weary. If all you can offer God is the ache in your heart or even nothing more than “please help, Lord”, know that He WILL HEAR you! He does not ignore any longing for Him or any plea for His help.
From experience I know that some of those answers take years. My husband and I have been praying for four years for answers to my health and emotional problems, including sex just not working for me. Most of the time, it’s felt like things have only gotten worse, but finally we’re beginning to see that God has been leading us step by step, in all sorts of ways, and that the pieces are finally coming together and I’m starting to get better!
The biggest thing that has helped us is to get counseling, for lack of a better term. What’s helping us is a couple trained with International Center for Biblical Counseling (John Regier, if you need a name.) It’s pretty simple–think about a specific memory, write down the pain words you feel (shamed, degraded, hopeless), write down the lies you believe because of it (it was my fault, I’m dirty, all men are jerks). Then take it to Jesus and simply tell Him what you wrote down. Ask Him, lie by lie, what His truth is. Then sit and listen. He may give you a verse of Scripture or a mental image or He may simply speak the truth to you. Ask Him to show you any sin in your responses to the person who hurt you, then repent of those things. Ask Jesus to take away the bitterness, anger, and resentment, then ask Him to heal this memory.
This is not an easy process, but it is simple. Although a human counselor can help you a lot, if you don’t have access to one, you can at least start the process by yourself, because Jesus is the Real Counselor. Know that He does want to heal your heart and He’s eagerly waiting to help you find freedom!
If you’d like more info or just someone to talk to, email me at blueskyandsunshine2006 at gmail.com.
Love and prayers,
maria
Oh my dear! My heart aches for you. I was also abused. My first boyfriend forced me to do things I didn’t even know existed (me a home-schooled, naive, never-been-kissed girl), and I’ve been raped a couple times. I also hated men, hated the way they use women, hated everything about them. When I met my husband, I was about as damaged as I could be.
My husband is also an amazing man, and strives to honor me and our marriage bed in every way. But, for several years I had trouble with my past hurts when we’d be sexually intimate. Since we married, we’ve had to deal with a lot of emotional pain on my part from past abuse. And he had (still does, sometimes) to deal with the pain of knowing that sometimes, when the past hits me again full force, he and I are not the only two in our bed.
But, I want to encourage you that there is hope! Now, instead of seeing my husband as one of those disgusting guys who abused me, I see him as someone who loves all of me, even when I struggle with what happened before. One thing we discovered that helps is that he has to be very careful where he puts his hands, or I start to feel trapped and degraded, and get flashbacks to the abuse from before.
One little thing that my husband and I really love to do is to read the whole book of Song of Solomon to each other, in bed and nude. I read the part of the shepherd girl and my husband reads Solomon’s part. As we read each verse we lovingly touch the part of the body the scripture mentions. It is a fun tool to foster emotional intimacy and great foreplay! It also helps remind us that sex is Godly and that He is the center of our marriage.
Love this idea! What a beautiful way to keep God and His word at the center. I’m going to suggest we try this.
Thank you for your post especially the mentioning of prayer . Enjoying intimacy with my husband has always been a challenge given our two pasts and me finding the actual experience very painful. His had a porn addiction and on and off struggles with depression.Mine was my parents never showing great amounts of affection or speaking positively about intimacy. In more recent times I have struggled with fatigue. I actually managed to start enjoying sex for the first time, until I fell pregnant 6 months ago and since then it has been nothing but painful again which has started the vicious cycle again , sometimes making me resent being pregnant.I really envy those women who are pregnant and still desiring sex. After the months of nausea I looked forward to desiring him once more. A big challenge I constantly struggle with is Idolising my husband and expecting him to be more helpful. I realise that God should hold this position and so constantly seek Him daily to provide fulfilment. The only thing is the closer I draw to God the further I feel from my husband. So often I feel torn between my God and my husband. This makes me so sad and frustrated and has caused many a tear the last couple of years. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to be close to both my husband and my God at the same time?It could be the hormones talking but I feel so lost at times when nothing seems to work.
As cliche as the answer may be….pray! Drawing close to God is key. Remember, God is first…first even over your family. That is hard to swallow sometimes.
Don’t ever compare yourself to other women and how their pregnancy are/were. I’ve been in your shoes while being pregnant years ago….looking at the cute skinny woman with the little basketball stomach, wearing darling materity clothes cuz she has lots of money to afford them, and have hubby in hand strolling along – and me thinking, “why can’t that be me?” Or, seeing friends whose husbands take over all the chores while they are pregnant and don’t let them lift a finger while pregnant.
Every situation is different. Every pregnancy is different.
I guess my bottom line advice would to focus on God and enjoy your pregnancy!
Di, I completely sympathize! As long as I have been sexually active, sex has been incredibly painful for me. Many trips to my GYN yielded that there was nothing wrong with me and to ‘go slower’, and that once I had a baby things would really loosen up. Not very encouraging words to hear! I had the sex drive, but hated having sex because of the pain.
About a year ago I moved to a new city across the country and had to find new doctors. When I described the pain that I had been having to my new GYN she suggested women’s health physical therapy. I was skeptical, but agreed and made an appointment with the physical therapist. Best decision ever. Women have a whole complex set of muscles in their pelvic floor. The same muscles that help us birth children are also vital for healthy sexual function, bladder control, and a whole lot more! By seeing a physical therapist who was trained in this region – just like you would see someone trained for shoulder or back injuries – I got incredibly specialized care and sex no longer hurts. I only wish that I had done this sooner when I think back to 6 years of wasted, awful, painful sex. My husband is thrilled, I feel like I have a much deeper connection with him and we are truly ‘making love’ and a reflection of our love for one another. The whole therapy process was very reflective, meditative, prayerful almost.
I have not had children of my own, but my older sister has and she sought out a womens health physical therapist when she was pregnant. The way that her son was positioned in utero was causing her great discomfort and this helped her a lot.
I know I am blessed and lucky to have access to this type of medical care since I live in a large city, but I really would recommend looking into it. There are a lot of womens health PTs out there and you never know who may be nearby.
Good luck!
What a wonderful post. Another great book is “Intimate Issues…” as already mentioned. Gives some good tips for getting “in the mood”.
Also, men and women are wired differently. We want to talk – talking makes us feel close – then when we feel close emotionally we want to be intimate (physical closeness). This is not typically the case for our husbands. They first need the physical closeness, then when they feel close physically, often they are more likely to desire and look for emotional closeness.
Blessings as you pursue the enjoyment of your husband and his greater enjoyment of you!
My struggle is what is ok to enjoy between a Christian husband and wife? Does anything go in the bedroom?…lacy outfits, toys, movies, lotions and potions? You know what items I am referring to – the kind you can only get at “those” kind of stores. Is it acceptable for married Christians to shop there or should Christian women be less naughty in the bedroom? Many aspects of physical intimacy are taboo, but are they then suddenly ok once married?
Movies are NEVER ok. But everything else is aok! Personally I like book22. (you can do a search) they have an assortment of toys and stuff.
I’m not legalistic when it comes to the bedroom. We go by as long as each of us are willing, and it’s not degrading, it’s ok. And as long as we are not bringing someone else into our marriage bed it’s ok as well.
Oh and book22 is Christian owned.
I agree with you, Danielle– Scripture leaves much more leeway for sexuality (within marriage of course) than we might assume. If something is degrading, requires other people (i.e. pornography), or causes one of us to sin for some reason, it’s out. But if it brings us closer together and increases the joy of our intimacy, we will probably go for it. And we have only been married 14 months, so we have years of exploration to do.
Don’t let Satan steal what God has given you as married people to enjoy. Scripturally there is only one thing that is/should be banned from the marriage bed. It’s not that hard to see what it is in the bible either. Study up what God says, not what people say He means.
As to the frills and fun stuff(except for the movies) go for it if you both enjoy it. As to shopping at questionable stores for the items, you could shop online in less objectionable sites for the stuff you want. God designed sex for our pleasure. Satan and sin have tried to corrupt what is beautiful.
Toys, lacy stuff, chocolate, and tasty drinks to dab in strategic places are great! Experiment and make it fun! The only thing to avoid would be movies or pictures, because they bring someone else into the bedroom. Sex is to be JUST between a husband and wife. Also, if you or your husband has or has ever had a problem with pornography addiction, I’d recommend not making your own videos or pictures, since it could draw you or him back into that sin. Otherwise, go crazy!
P.S. Make sure the kids don’t discover your stash!
How traumatizing.
This was a well-written article. For the low-libido gals I think prayer is really helpful so I’m glad it was mentioned twice. As a part of my prep, I pray that God bless our union and that I will be responsive.
For those who see the opening introduction as a picture of their own lives, let us not forget that this paragraph illustrates to us as women how a man might feel if we see sex as duty and not a joy.
My own advice for northern gals in the winter, if you have problems with the bedroom being too cold, a space heater is a good investment for the bedroom for those nights were you want to enjoy free expression without getting chilly. A warm-blooded man may not put up a fuss knowing that his wife can enjoy him if the room isn’t cold.
I think I’ll plug mine in right now:)
Another helpful book on this subject is “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman.
I wanted to second this book. My husband and i are both reading it right now and really enjoying it!
Wow, I totally needed to read this! Coming from a non-Christian background, my past can sometimes affect the way I view our relationship…but I definitely desire to do what this post says….time to start praying specifically Thanks so much!
For those whose husbands don’t share their interests, maybe this is one of those times where a wife giving first, will cause them to respond in kind.
It’s surprising, but it seems to happen time and time again (for me, it was with housework. In 9 years I got very little help – until I stopped complaining and just did it myself. Now if he sees a mess, he often will clean it up himself so the house looks great again).
Maybe listening to his interests and having more sex will make him want to be around more…and it’s not like you can constantly have sex, so there is plenty of time left for conversation.
Hope this helps, I struggle with this a lot.
Here is my practical tidbit on loving my husband by whole-heartedly participating in physical one-ness with him. Early in the day, decide that you will serve your hubby by initiating lovemaking with him that night. Tidy the bedroom, put a candle near the bed, and lay your frilliest nightie on top of the pillow. Then pray that you will have the energy and desire to passionately pursue him. I know for my husband, it thrills him when I think ahead, when I initiate instead of waiting for him to, and when I wear something feminine and “revealing” instead of my usual ratty tee-shirt!
Yes, Colleen! Thanks for the great tips! It seems like this kind of wife-ly behavior perhaps preps the wife even more than the husband, who doesn’t usually need much prepping!
Gets ya thinking in the direction and prepares you mentally to be a lovely woman, rather than a tired, dragging, mother. It’s all starts in our heads! Thanks for your great comment
Sometimes when a woman is having problems is having problems with intimacy it can be the result of a physical condition. One might be battling fatigue and just feel exhausted all the time. In October I could hardly get off the couch. Out of desperation my husband took me to the Hotze clinic in Houston. I had some hormones out-of-balance and thyroid issues. They use bio-identical hormones to treat people. Now I am 25 pounds lighter and feel wonderful. I know there are many natural minded doctors and chiropractors out there. thyroidbook.com has really helped me.
Yes, that’s true. I think that’s why prayer is so important, to seek God for help in revealing what each individual woman needs. Glad you are doing better!
This is a nice post, but I agree with M. about the intimacy issues. I also have a husband who is not interested in talking or listening to me or any of my interests.
Rather than a gift from wife to husband, I think of sex as a gift TO husband & wife, from God. Yes, I gist myself to my husband. But, he gifts himself to me to. It is not one sided. I know some women struggle with enjoying & delighting in sex. I think they need to know it doesn’t need to be that way. And, maybe we should not treat it as the “norm”. Not that I want anyone to feel “abnormal”. But rather, there are a lot of us women who love sex with our husbands. You are not weird or dirty to desire him. That is the way God created it.
Anyway. You have some great things listed out here. I don’t mean to argue your points! Just add to the other side for the women who love sex.
That is so true: God gives it to wives as well as to husbands! That is one of the things that my sweet husband has reminded me of, when I’ve felt embarrassed about liking sex so much. It is a good gift from God, something I am supposed to have, not something I am stealing or sneaking in. I am slowly growing in my ability to accept that gift with pure joy, rather than “looking over my shoulder” guiltily. Such guilt comes from social stereotypes, not from Scripture!!
Oh Erin, I totally agree! I love sex as well, and am actually generally more aggressive about it than my husband is (which he loves). It’s definitely not dirty to desire sex, and is not bad to thoroughly enjoy it with your husband! Haha. In Song of Songs, the wife speaks very frankly about loving her husband’s physical appearance and loving to experience all aspects of sexual intimacy with him. For the first couple years of marriage I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I was always initiating. I thought “I’m not supposed to want sex even more than he does!” And none of the books on intimacy helped, either, because they are all directed toward women who don’t desire sex. I had the opposite “problem.” I wanted to be sexually intimate with my husband all the time, so I thought there must be something wrong with me or with our relationship. It caused a lot of confusion until I studied Song of Songs and saw that the wife speaks first, last, and most about their relationship and sex life. She pursued her husband and had no problem giving herself to him completely.
Although I generally love physical intimacy (as well as the non-sexual intimacy), this post was a great reminder for those seasons of life when my interest tends to wane. I know that having a third baby soon will dampen my enthusiasm, or at least distract me from my husband. Having reminders like this are always welcome!
Oh wow, you three ladies are making me giddy to read your posts! I am so happy for you that you have not had problems with embracing intimacy! What a wonderful side of the issue to fall on. So sorry to appear as though I overlooked that kind of thinking.
I seem to interact with more women who approach intimacy with a lot of fear and trepidation, and that’s also where I’ve come from. I hope I didn’t miss the mark too far in sketching out the basis for our pure, free delight in marriage and in God.
Thank you also for pointing out that scripture has helped you stand firm in your enjoyment, and for the study suggestions.
Ya’ll are right on!
Thanks for this comment Natalie. I originally approached this article with the same disappointment I get reading 99.9% of posts, articles, and such on intimacy and women. This has been a bone of contention with me and my husband for all 8 years of our married lives. I was thrilled to be getting married and able to have sex for the first time with a virgin husband and was so excited reading all the books on sex as they portrayed guys as wild about sex. What a disappointment to get married to a guy, very healthy, athletic and 20 years old, who was fine with doing it every other day on the honeymoon and I wanted to do it 3 times a day! The only time we are ever on an even keel is when I’m sick with all-day pregnancy nausea or in the 3 months of having a newborn. Even with 4 small children 6 and under and all the exhaustion that comes with that, I still have a much bigger appetite than he does. It is so frustrating to hear again and again how a wife needs to be more available, more willing, more proactive, etc. about sex for women like me. 2010 was what I call the “year of celibacy” for us as I had horrendous pregnancy sickness, a placenta previa which required many months of abstinence, a move and renovation project which drained all his energy, childbirth, and a surgery for him. So, there was very, very little sex in that entire year and while I hated it and really struggled with it, he didn’t really seem to care.
We have a wonderful marriage and he is the perfect husband in every other way! To most women he is the dream husband that gives a massage every night, helps with household chores, reads his Bible daily, leads the family spiritually, puts the kids to bed every night, compliments me, buys flowers, encourages me, etc. I find it interesting that almost all of the couples I know have different drives and 50% of the time it is the woman with the higher drive, like me.
Just my 2 cents! You did a wonderful job addressing this issue for women who feel the same way you do and have a very sweet spirit.
I too am in a marriage where I have a higher sex drive than my husband. His is almost non-existent. It has always been this way. Most books and articles never address this. He is a wonderful man, who is not addicted to porn or homosexual, as is often, speculated by both Christian and secular therapists. I have always felt very alone and at times unattractive and undesirable because of this. But I find that when I am more actively delighting in my love for God, I am less needy. It is much worse when I have allowed myself to become disconnected from God.
Kristin,
Thanks for sharing! I feel your pain! And my hubby is not at all seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere, is not gay, but is a very manly, red-blooded, extremely muscly carpenter and he still just doesn’t have the sex drive that all guys are supposed to have by stereotype. I have sometimes wondered if it was me, like you said, but after much discussion on it, and many, many compliments from him about how I look, I realized that he is just different. He’ll never be one of the lust-hungry guys. I take care of myself, am average build, and my hubby thinks I’m beautiful but he is fine with sex once a week. Why did God allow a woman who would like it 4-5 times a week with a husband like this when books and surveys claim that all guys are animals in this area? I think it’s to sanctify and refine. As I mentioned before, none of the couples we know have similar drives. Everyone who has talked to me about this has shared some frustration one way or the other.
On the other hand, having a husband with low-drive is a blessing in the area of temptation. He isn’t as tempted as the average male, has never looked at porn or gotten into sexual addiction, doesn’t struggle with looking at women or thinking about them nearly as much as the average male.
But I may buy a bottle of pheromones somewhere and see if spraying them around the room gets him going or not!
I, too, am glad to hear I am not alone. Although I am jealous of those who “only” get it once a week. I am lucky if I get it 2x a month no matter how much I initiate. It can be really discouraging! My husband will often tell me how beautiful I am, how “hot” I look, etc but when he rarely wants to touch me, it gets harder and harder to hear his words over his actions. Unfortunately, I am also a “touch” person (love languages) and although he knows this, he makes no effort to “speak” to me so while I am blessed with a good and faithful, Godly husband, sometimes I feel like I am starving or just invisible. I really think there must be some link with diet or a deficiency but I have yet to find it. I am also much more health conscious than he so even if I find a helpful supplement or herb, it is not likely he would take it. If anyone else figures it out though – I can’t wait to hear!
Wow, SO great to hear you girls talk and know I’m not alone. I Wish I knew of a way to get my husband going… I guess we all have our struggles in marriage.
Bethany, I LOVED reading this!!! It reminds me so much of my relationship! So good to know I am not the only one!!!
wow! Thank you ladies so much for posting about this. What an encouragement you are! I myself have a very high drive… as in I could have it 3 times a day and all week. We got married just this Feb.
However, my husband seems to have a low drive and I feel as if I am the one initiating all the time. I will start kissing on him and he will get me going and then nothing happens…. he goes to the bathroom or goes to watch TV… and I am laying there feeling incredibly frustrated and almost mad at him. I’ll ask him to come back in and I kiss him again and he asks me, ” What do you want me to do about it?” ( and I am also frustrated because we work different schedules. I work days and he works nights…. he also has insomnia, has always had trouble keeping a “normal” sleep schedule so maybe that has something to do with his low drive? We do not have kids). I then start thinking, ” Is something wrong with me? Am I too fat? Maybe if I lost some weight he would want to do it more?” He compliments me and tells me he loves me, and yes he is a wonderful, Godly man.. but it’s like all I can think about is sex! argh! I know there is more to life and a relationship than sex, but it is a huge part of it. Am I just being selfish?
Thanks! It’s a blessing to enjoy being with my husband!
Also, husbands are not turned on by nagging wives who complain…
Just my point of view here, regarding the example you begin the post with— My husband seriously doesn’t care about listening to the things I’d like to talk about. No matter if they are important or irrelevant, he really doesn’t care. Now, I’m not intending to degrade him here– but I think that many guys are like that. They can sometimes politely pretend to listen when they have time, and that’s nice. But because he doesn’t care about talking about my interests, I really don’t feel guilty when I just politely tolerate his interests, whether it be listening to his jabbering, or having sex when I don’t feel like it. This isn’t being bitter toward each other, it’s just being honest about our interests.
Also, I think it’s helpful to differentiate between “intimacy” and sex. To me, intimacy can include many things– hugs and kisses, doing an activity that we both enjoy, snuggling on the couch, having a meaningful discussion, OR sex. Whereas, sex *may* include intimacy, but not always. Sometimes it’s either purely physical or just going through the motions. To me, marital intimacy does NOT equal sex, nor visa-verse.
Your last paragraph here M. is very important. Many couples have deeper struggles in this area. I’ve been concerned about this area of marriage & want to help address it. It is so multi-faceted.
I do think physical & emotional intimacy is very important to a marriage & the lack of it shouldn’t be ignored. Perhaps a wise counselor is sometimes the best, rather than a book or a blog post or a sermon. Because, if there is lack of intimacy in the rest of your relationship (emotional, & other physical touch) I can certainly understand that there is a barrier to sexual intimacy.
I do agree with you about intimacy and sex being two things that are not necessarily connected, though they can be. And I personally like it when they are. I also agree that many guys seen uninterested in knowing the WHOLE of you and listening to what you have to say. And, when it comes to husbands, it’s not right or loving for him to dismiss your conversation so lightly.
However, him not delighting in you in the way you need it is no reason to withhold your delight in him in the way that he needs. Meaning, one of the many ways you can show love to him is to thoroughly enjoy his kind of intimacy. And one of the ways he can show you love is to thoroughly enjoy your kind of intimacy. You have no control over what he does, or whether he ever shows love to you. But you DO have control in how you love HIM. We are not called to only love when someone shows us love first. We are called to love, no matter what.
(I do realize that I do not know you, your husband, or your situation. I’m just basing this on the words you wrote, and the biblical command to love each other and to not withhold yourselves from each other in any way).
As a side note, I know it’s hard to get “in the mood” when you don’t feel like it. My husband and I have spent our marriage experimenting with what works for us in the bedroom, and will probably continue learning about how to please each other for the rest of our life together. I think a lot of men (or guys) don’t really know how a woman is built, and therefore don’t know what it takes to bring her pleasure. A major “aha!” moment for us was when my husband learned where exactly the “g-spot” is (from his perspective, roughly two inches in at one-o’clock, just in case anyone’s wondering
).
Dear M.,
I hope this blog post didn’t seem callous or trite. I actually spent about 4 years in the exact same position as you, and still struggle with those emotions. A short post is way inadequate to address how deep an issue this is to my heart, and all the pain and confusion generated by it. So sorry you feel disconnected or isolated from your husband. I know how that is.
I think a key for me is to realize my husband feels the same way, from his own unique perspective/desires. Realistically, it’s impossible to totally satisfy each other with perfect connection, love, and intimacy. But being close with God can. And only God. For both of us.
The more I realize that, the less I am “let down” by my hubby, and feel I have to tolerate him, since he doesn’t understand or love me all that well.
I’ve been working hard to find a sort of “secret place” with God, to grow close to him, to read and chew on scriptures about him being close, right with me. To remember all day that he loves me, knows me, accepts me, meets my needs, is deeply interested in me…even pursues me.
I’m gaining more and more footing in my marriage as I quite putting the pressure on my hubby to do all that (perfectly, to boot), and throwing myself on God. Minute by minute, all day, I ask Him, “Are you there?” He always is. “Do you see me, what I’m going through?” He always does.
I end up crying my eyes out when I think these thoughts, and read the below scriptures, because God has been there all along to give me what I have been craving for so long! My husband has been an idol in my heart as I’ve expected him to deliver. God wants that place.
“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73
P.S. To you hubby…marital intimacy probably does = sex!
Just a thought.
A great book on this is “Intimate Issues…” by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. Sometimes, our idea of “intimacy” has been shaped by painful past experiences. To see a Godly Husband through that lens [of pain] will distort what God has intended to be beautiful and lovely [between husband and wife].
I agree, that we can go to the Lord for help in this area. Scripture is our greatest compass. Great post! I love my husband enough to learn how to honor him in the way he feels honored and loved by me. I will definately be meditating on these scriptures today.
Thanks,
Jerene
Great post! I haven’t slept in months with a new baby, and have struggled with physical desire for years, after being pregnant and/or nursing for the last four. Mentally, I want my husband, but my physical body just doesn’t respond the way I want it to. I feel so guilty about it, because he does feel rejected and doesn’t enjoy it. Of course, he can tell if I am doing it because I feel like I have to vs. doing it because I am enjoying it. Excellent ideas. Thanks!
I *so* understand that line “mentally, I want my husband, but my physical body just doesn’t respond the way I want it to” I’ve really been making an effort but am having a hard time getting back to my old self after numerous stiches when my 8 mo was born. I wish he truly understood how much I think about him but how far that is from the actual physical experience right now…
Oh, and I just wanted to mention that yes, there is nothing that has helped me in this area the way that prayer has, it feels odd for me to pray about ( I know it shouldn’t) but I just remind myself that my marriage needs this, and I need God to help me with this. I needed this reminder. Thanks!
Megan,
I hope you tell him how much your heart want to enjoy him completely! I know that makes a huge difference for us, that I tell my husband how much I miss him when my body is unable to do it. Men are not unaffected by loving words. I think he’ll feel your sincere love!
One thing that is beautiful to think about when reflecting on sexual intimacy within marriage is comparing marriage to the relationship between Christ and His Church. We are His bride, and He is our bridegroom, and He completely gave us His body when He died for us on the cross. “This is my body, given for you.” Let this be our mindset when we come to our husbands…we can pray for a total gift of self, a complete vulnerability, where we pour ourselves out to our husbands, holding nothing back. This is something that I have been praying to grow in lately! Marriage is the visible sign of the invisible reality of the Bride and the Bridegroom!
When writing something to help women with the issue of sex (especially when so many women are having a hard time thinking it’s dirty, embarrassing, etc.) I think it would help greatly if you could say the word ‘sex’ yourself instead of acting so shy about it. It’s nothing to tip-toe around, and if the Church can’t stand up and talk about it in a comfortable way then people are going to take their question elsewhere, right? Anyway, that comment was meant to sound like corrective criticism, and not mean in any way. Thanks for the article. It sounds like you have helped a lot of readers already
Whoops! I meant to say “constructive criticism”. Sorry about that!
Dustin,
Thank you. I think you’re right! Constructive criticism taken and appreciated!
Unfortunately, some people are so apprehensive they shut down when language is too in-your-face. I hate to turn those people away, as they may need most to hear this type of thing.
I am a recent transplant to the south….the homeland of manners, poise, and not crossing the line. Still trying to figure out how to balance being downright honest, and being aware of cultural apprehension, etc. It’s so hard! Ack. One tricky thing about blogging is that you just can’t write for everybody.
Haha! I thought I was the only one! When I left a comment I felt guilty about using the word “sex” because it wasn’t mentioned in the post. So I succumbed and used “intimacy” or “physical intimacy” instead.
I refuse to use the word s#x due to perverts looking for p@rn. I’m not afraid to use the word, but if you want to use, go for it.
But wouldn’t it be a surprise for those perverts to click through and find a godly post and discussion about marital intimacy?
I was raised in a home where intimacy was frowned upon, and even after 5 years of marriage, I still have a hard time enjoying it without feeling guilty! I have never thought of praying about it, though! Thank you for sharing this!
Haha! Loved this post!
A book we highly recommend in this area is Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman. He has a wonderfully unique – yet conservative – Christian voice.
Jaime @ Like a Bubbling Brook
I’m another one of those women who must not be normal, for I enjoy physical intimacy! You are talking about sex there, aren’t you? When will we get pointers on how to be content with our overworked, low desire hubby who falls asleep as soon as he hits the pillow? Who is so hum-drum and once-a-week kind of guy? How do I honor him and his wishes? How do I ‘pleasure’ him? Many are the nights I lie awake wondering why he doesn’t desire me more often.
I would appreciate that type of post as well. It was a huge struggle for me at the beginning of our marriage– I felt like a freak because I had such a strong desire for my husband, and if there was ever a time where he was too tired, I had no idea how to deal with that. From everything I had heard prior to getting married, I assumed that my husband would always want sex more than I would, so it really threw me for a loop when the opposite would occur! (It wasn’t frequent, but often enough that it worried me.)
Fourteen months later, I can still feel embarrassed about it. He has never made me feel bad, and tells me how blessed he is to have a wife who likes sex so much!
But all the same, I can’t get that “good girls don’t enjoy sex” idea out of my head.
Rebekah,
I don’t think I did a perfect job, but what I was hoping to draw out is this: That when a woman is rejected by her husband, in any way, she can be crushed and withdraw her affection from him, or feel shame. She is banking too much on him, and needs to check out her intimacy with God first! Thanks for your feedback!
That is a great reply. Thank you! I’ve been learning a lot about depending ONLY on God in the past year… this is one of those areas where I tend to depend on someone else, i.e. my husband.
I would like a a post like that too!!
I think it would also be great to have a post about how to help your husband who is tempted by porn.
Lately, the porn isn’t the issue b/c he has an accountability group… just lack of energy and super stressed.
I’ve been through that. It’s actually very rare for a man not to have struggles! Anyway, this book was recommended to my husband:
http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309555273&sr=1-1
As for me, this book was recommended to me to help me understand what my husband was going through and that it’s a constant battle. I’m not only his wife, I’m his sister in Christ and I stand with him in the battlefield. He knows that I’ve “got his back.” It’s as much my battle as it is his! When my husband sat me down and told me what was going on, he fully understood if I kicked him to the curb. I was very hurt and really didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to divorce him though. I spent a very restless night of sleep and as I was praying for wisdom on what to do, God put this on my heart: “How many times have you been unfaithful to Me (God), and I’ve forgiven you every time?” That hit me like a ton of bricks! How many times have I been unfaithful to God? I forgave my husband and we started the healing process. I won’t say that I don’t still have my days that I still hurt, but we have to keep communicating and be open and honest with each other. God has truly helped us in our marriage!
The book recommended to me was:
http://www.amazon.com/Every-Heart-Restored-Husbands-Paperback/dp/B0039OIO4S/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309556425&sr=1-15
I pray that God restores your heart and your marriage!
— your guy might need 1. lots of praise and appreciation 2. a good multi-vitamin 3. maybe trying for intimacy in the morning 4. be on the look out for signs of depression
I would second that “morning” comment. Sometimes getting the day off to a good start is better than at the end of the year when both parties are way too tired from the day’s demands.
Also, certain medications knock down drive quite a bit in both women and men. Especially mood meds like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The problem of the lack-of-drive could simply be a result of medications. As we get to be older adults we tend to take more meds that cause all sorts of side-effects.
The book Intimate Issues has some chapters devoted to women with more drive than their hubbies.
Really?! When I read it a few years ago in Rebekah’s position, I found nothing helpful in there for women like us. I wonder if they’ve updated it.
Hi Reba. I’m sorry you’re going through that! My husband and I have been through seasons like that. When we first married he was working full time, from 11pm to 7am, and going to school full time. Then, later, he worked roughly 70 hours a week in a physically demanding job, and by the time he got home he’d barely have the energy to eat, let alone spend quality time with his wife. It was hard, and definitely took a toll on our marriage. I have a high sex drive, and felt like you do frequently. Wondering what’s wrong with me. Wondering why my husband doesn’t desire me the way that all the books said he will. We’ve talked it through, and here are some reasons my husband has given me for lowered sex drive; some from himself, some from observing and talking to other men.
1. Fatigue. If he’s exhausted from work, you can expect him to want sex about as often as a brand new breastfeeding mom. It’s hard to have the energy for sex when you feel like that.
2. Stress. Stress about his job, finances, how to provide for his growing family… all these will be constantly in the back of his mind, making it really hard to get in the mood.
3. Depression. Think of depression as being in a deep, dark pit you can’t get out of. With my husband it’s situational, when certain times have been especially hard and he gets depressed. With some people it’s a constant depression, which could stem from either spiritual or biological imbalance.
4. Guilt. If a husband really loves his wife, but struggles with addiction of some sort (most often pornographic addiction in this society, unfortunately), then guilt will cause him to close off from her because he knows he’s been unfaithful. If this is the case, then the addiction is the enemy, not your husband. If his reason for pulling away is from guilt, then he hates his sin even more than you do.
5. SIn. If a husband is a man who loves himself more than he loves his wife or God, then this is a probable cause. Generally, and I hate to say this, it is a sexual sin of some sort. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, whatever his “thrill” is, will keep him from fully loving his wife. A man like this needs to be convicted by God to repent.
6. Video games. Okay, this may sound hilariously ridiculous, but it’s true. Video games are addictive. I’ve been there. My husband has been there. Losing oneself in a world that doesn’t exist is not healthy, and if it’s not brought into check, the only relationships that matter in a practical sense are online or in game world. And I suppose that goes for any addiction, for anyone who’s in it and doesn’t realize they are.
As a fellow wife who’s dealt with this kind of pain, my advice to you would be to start praying for your husband. Pray that he would have a sanctified and fulfilling sex life. If something is in the way of that, then God can do the convicting and reawakening. Also pray for your husband as a whole man. You can also help things along by dressing attractively, and having your home be a welcoming haven. If stress and fatigue are what he’s dealing with, then if he comes home to a clean, restful home, the weight on his shoulders will lift and he’ll be able to relax and think about something other than what he’s had to deal with all day. When my husband works days, I like to have dinner (or at least a snack) ready, candles lit, the kids toys put away, the kids ready for bed, myself clean and attractive, and either a movie or wine by the fire set up for after the kids are asleep. I make it as welcoming and relaxing as possible so that he doesn’t bring work into our home. And usually the mood setting gets him in the mood (the wine may help a little too!).
Amen, Bethany. To all your numbered points. You sound like a very studious and helpful wife.
I agree to pray for your husband. I also pray a lot for myself, that I will be a solid wife rooted firmly in God’s love for me, so I can be a haven for my husband. I can only control my own self, so I pray hard to do so!
I am so glad that you posted this! I have been wandering around thinking I was the only one. And it’s not that my husband is over-worked or unhealthy. He doesn’t have and addictions or interest in other women or porn. He’s not depressed. He’s not even tired. And he thinks I’m beautiful. He just isn’t interested in sex anymore. I feel like I am disrespectful for trying to initiate, and I usually end up quite embarrassed at refusals. He is a wonderful and loving husband. He’d just rather talk and not touch. I happen to be wired quite opposite. I couldn’t care less if we talked all day, so long as the day ended with at least a hug and a kiss goodnight. So much for stereotypes!
Reba,
I wish you would go back and re-read my post. I can totally relate to what you’re saying, I’ve felt that way. I think my main point was that women can feel discontent with their husbands because they are leaning on them for things they should be getting from God first.
Once a woman is satisfied in God, she can then give freely to her husband, as a “gift” rather than feeling used or cheated by him.
I’ve been working through the same thing as you, and I’ve realized that I had so much unhappiness and discontentment because my husband was my idol, taking over God’s supreme place in my heart.
Just a thought, to maybe help recast the post in a different light. Thanks for your comment, it helps me think through how best to approach a topic from a broad base.
Amen! Read my comment above Reba–I understand you completely! If there was one thing I could change about my guy it would be to quadruple his sex drive!
I am with you on that sister! I wonder the same thing.
It’s a HUGE fallacy that Christian women don’t like s#x. Most women I know LOVE it, myself included. I crave it. It’s such a hush hush thing. Puh-lease! It’s a known FACT, the more s#x you have the more you will want it. So ladies.. get to it.
Make it fun, try new things out (positions, places etc), new lingerie. Switch it up! Ask your hubby what he would want.
This is so important. You can change a situation even when you feel no desire (and it is impossible to manufacture). Honesty with each other and with the Lord is so vital and of course prayer changes all things. Don’t let resentment destroy your marriage as the enemy is so eager to do. Give it to the One from whom all Good and Perfect gifts flow. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”. Matt.11:28
I’ve really been enjoying these post on our husbands and the relationship we have with them. This post will be valuable for so many women! Thank you for sharing it. My husband and I have found our intimacy grow as our relationship grows deeper in Christ. It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing God has created!
Thanks again! I enjoyed reading this!
I look forward to and love the intimate times with my husband. We love to flirt with each other throughout the day…stealing kisses and touches in the “other” times of day really helps to build the excitement for our special intimate time together.
One of my favorite books on this subject is: Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus which addresses 12 questions Christian women ask about sex. It is WONDERFUL. And really helped me a lot! It was a wedding gift from a pastor friend of ours.
Thank you so much for this article!!! You addressed a very important topic in a beautiful way!
Building Home with Him,
Mary Joy
I have found that, during seasons when I don’t particularly desire intimacy, my passion is ignited if I purposefully daydream about my husband. When he’s at work, I think about him, and all the positive things in our relationship. One part that really helps is thinking of times when I felt especially loved by him, or of the latest loving thing he did for me. I like to look through old pictures of us: our wedding, our engagement, him the first time he held each of our children… reliving those memories stirs up passionate love in the present for him.
And sometimes, if nothing works, I just have to do it anyway. Meaning, I light a fire in the fireplace, listen to Frank Sinatra (music we danced to at the beginning of us), lay out a blanket, pour a couple glasses of wine, and light scented candles. Usually that puts me in the mood before my husband even gets there. If it doesn’t, the way he touches me when he sees what I’ve set up does.
Oh, and don’t forget the lingerie!
And it can be done even with very young children. We have a one-year-old, an almost-three-year-old, and another due in June. But, we’ve always made sure the children go to bed early, around 7pm, so there is plenty of time to relax and get intimate. It gives us time for both the emotional and physical aspects of marital intimacy.
The hitch at the present time is that my husband got a night job, so doesn’t get home until after midnight. And the kids get up at 7am. And I’m pregnant and need lots of sleep. So, on the weekends we have our evening routine, but during the week we’re still trying to work out when works best for this season of life.
That’s great encouragement… its often so much easier to feel “in the mood” when I feel loved in other ways (ie hubby does all the dishes, buys me flowers, or just encourages me) outside of the bedroom. I love the idea of looking through wedding albums.
I also wanted to mention, that because the marital relationship is a reflection of God to the world and sex is a the renewal of the covenant of marriage… surely it is going to be under spiritual attack… not only from the world, but from our flesh and the devil too. So praying against lies about your own desire or your husbands motives or whatever keeps you from having sex, is definitely a fabulous solution. So thanks Natalie for making that such a focus of your post.
Oh good point! Yes, sexual intimacy is very much under attack because it is so, so important. The two shall become one flesh… in emotional, practical, and physical ways. It makes sense that the enemy would want to destroy that.
Thank you! This is definatley something God is working on with me.
I love thinking about the fact that God invented sex—and I also love that sex with my husband glorifies God! How cool is THAT? Sometimes it’s tough for us to get on the same page, though. When life gets busy, we don’t. lol Those weeks I really have to pray that I will desire my husband.
Great post!