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A strong marriage forms the foundation of our society. But in our current culture, “till death do we part” has been replaced with “till I don’t love you anymore”, “till you stop meeting my needs”, or “till when I’m not happy anymore.” Divorce has ransacked every portion of our society, with the church sadly leading the way. Couples now prepare prenuptial agreements, maintain separate bank accounts (without the spouse having access), and forgo adopting or changing to the husband’s last name. It’s an issue of the heart. It’s the mindset of separation when God has designed marriage as the joining together of one flesh – sharing equally in all aspects of our lives together and committing ourselves to being together. The idea of separation in these financial and personal aspects is a mentality of preparing for our divorce before it even happens. If the enemy can tear down the marriage, he can tear down our society. Marriage is designed my God to be a beautiful reflection of His relationship with His church, with His people. It requires self-sacrifice. It requires laying down our own desires and seeking the others interest, and that is where our joy can be found.
Christ must be the center. My dad always gave me one piece of advice for selecting a mate: “Make sure he loves God more than he loves you.” This has stuck with me through it all. He must be one who is more desirous of pleasing Christ then pleasing me. And the same must be true of me. If I don’t keep Christ on the throne in my life, I will start wandering towards raising up ungodly expectations for my man. Because if Christ is the center, then our marriage will be strong. If Christ is the center, I will be passionate about exalting Him and magnifying His name, not exalting my own interests and feelings. Marriage is a beautiful way to exalt Him. It is the dance of a husband and a wife to join their various giftings together in bringing the most glory possible to their Maker. My husband is strong, steady, sensitive, compassionate, and servant-hearted, and I compliment him with my love for hospitality, organization, and support. Together, if we aim straight and true, by the grace and mercy of God, we accomplish much for the furtherance of God’s glory. Sisters, God has given you beautiful gifts and your husband beautiful gifts. Have you sat down and considered what they might be? Have you acknowledged them? Partner together in utilizing them.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about meeting your needs. It’s about God’s glory. And the beautiful thing is that when God’s glory is first, our needs ultimately are satisfied, either by our realization that they are not really needs but the idolatrous desires of our heart, or by the Lord blessing us in fulfilling them through the dance. The emotional, physical and spiritual needs must be satisfied first in Christ followed by the extra blessing of joyful intimacy in marriage. When we get beyond seeing our needs as the end result, we will become less susceptible to the attack’s of the enemy, our marriages will grow stronger, and our joy will be greatly increased.
Marriage is a covenant. It is a commitment. Let’s commit together to not even allow the “D” word to enter our vocabulary. Aaron and I have committed our lives to each other. Divorce is not an option no matter what happens. Through the greatest trial or conflict, God desires to bring about His beautiful work in our lives. Conflict is for the purpose of pruning away the dross and making us clearer reflections of His character. Let’s not run from it but fully embrace it.
So in what practical ways can we grow in keeping our marriage strong? This is far from an exhaustive list, but a few areas that I have personally experienced radical growth in our marriage when we practice them. I will be expanding upon some of these in the upcoming week.
1. Pray together.
I have been challenged this year to commit to praying together with my husband once a week for at least 30 minutes in the morning before our little ones are awake. Why? Because I have seen it bear much good fruit in my parents lives, who have faithfully prayed together every Saturday morning, and another couple in our church who prayer walk together early every morning. It is beautiful! When we started, I found it a beautiful way to pour out my thoughts, burdens, and fears before the Lord rather than dumping them on my husband. It was a way to share with him my struggles, but not burdening him with discovering the solution. God is our solution-maker. It also helped us start praying more intentionally for our family ministry, our church, and the nation. Now, we don’t have any specific formula for doing this…we simply just take turns praying whatever the Lord lays on our heart. And it truly has been a bonding experience.
2. Pray for your man.
I yearn to be more faithful in this area myself. My husband needs my prayers more than anything else I could give him. It is the way I can serve him in helping to guard his purity and diligence in the workplace, to being a man of the Word, to being a strong husband and father. It is the best way I can be his help-meet. Check out the 31 Days of Praying for Your Husband Prayer Guide to help you out. This is a powerful free tool that I keep in my Bible for daily prayer prompts on his behalf. And remember, before you consider confronting your husband in regards to some conflict or sin issue, take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Take consistent date nights.
Whether it be once a week, twice a month, or once a month, make a commitment to getting out together on a consistent basis. Put it on the calendar. Especially for couples with young children, it is so easy to get caught up in their care that we neglect our marriage. We need time alone together to invest in each other’s lives. If you have family in the area, ask if they can schedule it on their calendar to watch the kids on a regular basis. If not, build a babysitting co-op. We have being doing this lately with two other families. Tuesday night is date night and we take turns watching each other’s kids. So we get dates out three times per month and every third week we watch all the kiddos. It works. It doesn’t have to be expensive either. Utilize services such as Groupon.com and Restaurant.com to find cheap dinner dates at 50% off in your local area. Take a coffee or dessert date. Go browse a bookstore together or simply take a walk. The key we have found is (although there are exceptions)…it really helps us to just get out of the house. Away from what needs to be done and various technological distractions and just enjoy each other no matter what we do.
4. Take time to evaluate and grow together.
One of the elders in our church recently offered a helpful document titled State of Our Union for couples to utilize in prayerfully evaluating where they are at in their marriage, recording specific things they appreciate about each other, and steps they can take to grow and enrich their relationship. It was such a beautiful tool and one I want to use regularly. Download your own copy and take some time to go through it separately and then together. Your eyes will be opened in good challenging ways.
May you be blessed and equipped to keep your marriages strong for the glory of God! Embrace it as your opportunity to reflect the self-sacrificial love of our Creator!
“Make sure he loves God more than he loves you.”
AMEN! I want to yell this from the rooftops, or atleast try to explain what I know NOW to young girls BEFORE they do something stupid…
Beautiful post. Almost made me cry. Sooooooo true. So true.
Marriage and Family the way God intended…beautiful.
:’(
Thank you for this post. Perfect timing. Well, God’s perfect timing with laying it on your heart to write this post! I really needed to read this. Thank you.
I would love some input on a topic related to this post. Let me preface if by saying that my husband and I take our marriage seriously as a permanent life choice, with no thoughts of divorce.
After I married (and following advice from the conservative Christian sect that believes a woman should give up outside employment and give any savings or possessions to her husband), I soon became completely dependent on my husband. Partly in a good way, partly in a very scary way. For instance, our home and property was exclusively in his name– as were the bank accounts, credit cards, vehicle titles and loans, cell-phone contracts, etc. I soon became very concerned about IF for some reason I was left on my own– whether because he died, left me, was abusive– how I could survive. Not that I even remotely expected to be separated from him, but unexpected circumstanced do happen. And if it did, I would be legally left homeless, with no money, car, phone… the list goes on. I couldn’t even keep a loan we had, or apply for a new loan, as I had no credit history. Even in a strong, happy marriage, this is a scary outlook for a woman.
Over the years, things have changed some. More of our belongings and accounts are in both our names. It’s not that my husband wanted to be the sole owner of our things, it’s just how it turned out. There seems to be much condemnation toward the wife who has her own bank account or vehicle title, or source of income. But what about the husband who does that, leaving the wife completely helpless if he were gone?
I’d like to know other’s thoughts on situations like this– Biblical wisdom, experiences, opinions. I *don’t* want to be a feministic, worldly, defiant wife— but I do believe that for my and my children’s sake, I should be wise and prepared for that “just-in-case” situation. I don’t know how that can be a mindset of divorce. Thoughts?
You know – I’m not really one to give advice (I became a Christian fairly late in life and made my share of mistakes). But, you just gave fodder to the advice I’ve given our daughters (and this advice isn’t much help to you – since you’re already married): “You are blessed to live in a society where you get to CHOOSE your husband. Choose Wisely. Choose like there is NO going back (because in God’s book, there really IS NO going back on your choice for a spouse). PRAY and ask God to help you Choose. And Choose someone that you KNOW trusts and follows the Lord. Because if you do – you will have CHOSEN someone who you can trust even if everything you own, and every decision you get to make for the rest of your life – is in their hands. If you let The Lord choose for you… there will be No Regrets.”
Shelley– True words! This is why I no longer support the Courtship trend. In a courtship scenario, the woman has very little CHOICE. She is at the mercy of whatever man or men pursue her, or what men her parents allow her to associate with. She is not permitted the choice of seeking a spouse herself, or seeking God’s choice directly for her. All the choosing is through other people. Like you, I firmly believe that marriage is a hugely permanent and important choice, that every woman should make carefully on her own!
I think you are thinking more of betrothal, but there are certainly different manners of practicing courtship. For my husband and I, it was a beautiful process of honoring my dad but fully my choice as well. You might like to read our courtship story. No two are alike.
Hi,
I think Lyndsay, as all others, is entitled to her own opinion and conviction.
Perhaps there are those that hyphenate their name for cultural reasons. I wasn’t aware of that being a cultural tradition in other cultures but I know for this culture (the U.S.), it is well-known that in the 60s and 70s, hyphenating ones name was a simple of breaking free from “male oppression”. It was encouraged as a way to snub tradition and the reasoning behind it. It was an ‘in-your-face’ message from feminists ,particularly Gloria Steinem. So, for many who bought into the feminist movement of the 60 and 70′s, hyphenating a name wasn’t so much about honoring a culture as it was about thumbing their nose at a cultural tradition and symbolic gesture of “becoming one”.
Hyphenating a name, perhaps because of the stink that was raised over it by the feminist movement, does denote a tenure of “one foot in, one foot out”, whether you intention was to do so or not.
As Christians, we are called to leave our “father and mother” and to leave our “home” and become one. The taking of the husband’s name was for the purpose of showing outwardly you have become one. Just as one is baptized symbolically to show death to their old self and joined union with Jesus in a new life.
Loved this post. So encouraging. My husband and I are seeking to grow in our pursuit of our Savior TOGETHER. These were great practical ways in which we can get started. Loved the link to State of Our Union. Evaluations like this really give opportunity for wonderful conversation. Thanks for posting!
My husband and I pray together nearly every night (along with the children) and more than anything else I think it has kept us on a good path so far. I love to come before God together! Thanks for sharing your tips for building a strong marriage.
Yes we do the same thing. I can’t imagine only praying once a week.
Yes, we like to pray together daily for the day and over our children. I am referring to an extensive period of time praying together for our family, ministry, church and other things.
Thank you for a timely, challenging (in a good way) post. On my first “date” with my husband, he told me he wanted a woman who would be second in his life. I said that not only was I okay with that, I wanted the same thing in a man. He told me later that’s when he knew for sure that he wanted to pursue me. (He also said he wanted seven children, which freaked me out a little at the time – we’ll see what God has in mind with that one!)
Also, I really do think one of the most romantic things my husband has ever said to me is that divorce is not an option. I know, that may sound strange. But we’ve seen friends go through firey trials in their marriages and emerge stronger. I love knowing that I’m married to a man who is committed to Christ, to His institution of marriage, and to me, no matter what.
Lindsay, I love this post. Thank you for calling this issue out. It’s so nice to hear of women supporting their husbands, encouraging them, and lifting them up. It seems that in our “feminist” cultural ways, we tend to demoralize and portray our men as stupid, ignorant, and worthless. This, however, is exactly the opposite of how a wife should be viewing (and treating!) her husband. Keeping our eyes on the Lord is a must and as your father taught you, loving a man who loves (and fears!) the Lord is the biggest blessing for a marriage. Bravo.
I believe using two last names in giving honor to your father and your husband.
Why are separate bank accounts unhealthy for a marriage? For those families that struggle and live paycheck to paycheck it is better to keep separate accounts than both overdraw and not have enough funds. In a marriage where you have leftover money at the end of the money, I can understand where a joint acount is not an issue.
On a topic….do you and your mate have passwords to each others email accounts?
We have two bank accounts, but my husband and i are both on each account and equally have access to both. That wasn’t was i was referring to but rather separate names on each of our own accounts, so that if divorce happened I could take my money and go. It’s the worldly mindset of separation (what’s mine is mine) rather than joining in one flesh in all aspects of our lives together. Does that make sense? As to passwords, yes, we know each other’s passwords. This is a safeguard against internet temptations.
While I agree with your five points of advice on strengthening marriages, I think it is important to remember that not everyone with a strong marriage follows the same cultural norms. My husband and I have been married for several years. We communicate well. We have a lot in common, and we enjoy working together and playing together. When we got married I decided that getting married was adding something, not subtracting, so I hyphenated my name. My husband had no problem with it. If it had hurt him, I wouldn’t have done it. My grandfather was furious with me, and I didn’t understand why. My aunt pointed out that my grandfather probably has a different cultural understanding of what it means to not give up your last name. While he is still mad at me, I can forgive him for the misunderstanding because I understand his point of view better. I just disagree.
My husband and I also maintain separate bank accounts, although we both have access to all of them. Different banks have different advantages, so it just made sense to keep all four accounts.
Oh, and the big one: I don’t wear my wedding ring all the time. I’ve always hated having things on my fingers when I’m trying to work. I tend to wear it when I’m dressed up.
Some people may choose to view these things as signs that our marriage is weak, but like my misunderstanding of my grandfather’s feelings, these people fail to understand how my husband and I view these issues. We actually don’t view them as issues at all. We don’t place as much importance on symbols. We care more about communication, common goals, compromise and forgiveness. It’s just a different way to view the world.
PS While I can’t personally think of a good reason to have a prenump, besides fear of divorce, I’m sure someone out there with a strong marriage has a different point of view.
Congratulations on your strong marriage and willingness to share your perspective! Marriage is a journey for all of us and we all have areas in which we could let go and be more selfless – some are easily visible, like wedding rings, and some are not, resentment.
Many of us who encourage merged bank accounts, and constant wearing of the wedding ring have lived and walked in both mindsets and have found the expanse and freedom of truly becoming one amazing and exciting. I wish the same wonderment for you and your husband, while keeping in mind my own areas that need work!!
I had my maiden name (old last name) become my new middle name, and dropped my middle name. Then took my husband’s last name. I thought that would be a good way to be able to keep the last name I grew up with, while being able to still share the exact same last name as my husband.
My point of view was that I couldn’t imagine us being “one” without the exact same last name. To me it just seemed symbolic. I wanted for us to be one family, “the ______’s,” literally. But I didn’t like the idea of dropping my old last name, because I wanted my future children to have a sense of where I came from.
I get the sense the way I did it is more common in the South, among Southern Belles? Don’t know. It seems that in the Midwest, women just dropped their maiden name and kept their given middle name.
Well said.. I was told by my mentor/pastor years ago,”Marriage keeps love alive!” In other words, it is the commitment that changes us into loving people. Love you, Dad
I can’t wait to do the state of our union – we are going on vacation Saturday and it will be a perfect time to evaluate this and complete the exercise together!! Wonderful article – love the 31 days of praying for your husband too!
Thank you so very much for this post. I feel like you may have a hand in saving my marriage. I praise God for using you in my life this way. THANK YOU, LINDSAY.
9 years ago, I met my future husband. 2 months later we were pregnant. Neither of us wanted marriage which was fine, but we did live together for a few years. Both of us wanted to know that we were right for each other. In the beginning our foundation was uncertain. We were committed to each other, but there was always room to back out. Being a wife to me meant the ability to stand toe 2 toe with my soon to be and curse at him tell him where he was wrong, expect that he would fix whatever MY problem was and move on. We did get married and it was a grand day for us. My old philosophies about what being a wife means have since gone away.
2 years ago my husband and I took the Fireproof course offered by our church. We came to realize that we are just fine. We are honest, even when it hurts. We do have 2 children each with their own chronic illness. It is a rare event that we get to spend time outside of our home together. (Their illnesses make it such that others find their diets and medicines difficult to manage.) He leaves early for work and doesn’t come home until late. I spend most of the day caring for our home and children. When he comes home, I say hi, and give him what ever time he has with the kids. Bedtime is strictly set. After bedtime we spend an hour or so together having dinner, talking about the good and bad, and then we fall asleep watching something on TV. Its our routine, we like it. It works for us. We are in step most of the time, he respects me, teaches me, and loves me. I the same for him. We decided long ago that when our children move out we will need to still know each other. We only get 1 night out a year (thats right 1 night a YEAR) but its the every day that counts for us.
What is wrong with hyphenated names? Why is it considered setting up for divorce? It is part of Hispanic culture. You can be Hispanic and be Christian, correct? Your last name is not a reflection on your commitment to your husband or Christ.
I was actually referring to the idea of not changing your name at all. I think hyphenated names are a good compromise especially if that is your cultural practice (I was honestly not aware that that is a common cultural occurrence wth Latinos). I did not mean to imply that it wasn’t Christian, but rather just the mentality in our American culture (which is what I speak of) of keeping everything separate. God designed marriage to be the joining together in one flesh in all aspects of our lives. Starting off in a divided manner is not healthy for a marriage. It’s the heart of the matter. I believe adopting my husband’s name is a way to show honor and respect to him as the head of our home. If that comes in an hyphenated manner in your culture, and you still have that heart of honor and respect, by all means.
I’m pretty sure the divorce rate for Christians is much higher than the general population, I think this was what Lindsay is getting at.
As for the surname change, I’m not sure. I didn’t want to change mine and wanted my husband to take mine, which he refused. Eventually his sister talked to me and told me it was important to him so I adopted his to please him. I am glad I did this. His parents are so pleased that their name is carried on, since my husband is their only son to have sons.
Thanks for these latest blogs, they are so great and encouraging!
I love your point about both parties keeping Christ in His throne. I wrote a post on my blog about that a year ago.
http://adamshome.blogspot.com/2010/03/hes-only-husband.html
I really want to make prayer together a priority. Thanks for sharing that point. Maybe my husband & I can talk about that while working on the State of our Union!
Keeping my maiden name doesn’t mean I love my husband any less or that I am in any way less committed to my marriage. I don’t like your lumping keeping my name with preparing for divorce.
I’m with you. I’m just about the most conservative person I know on marriage, but I don’t fit in the box on this category. This is something couples need to work out together. I did end up taking my hubby’s last name, but it was a long discussion that we hadn’t even come to a conclusion on until hours before the wedding ceremony. His name, her name, hyphenated names – you won’t find a cut and dry Biblical answer for that one. First world countries are probably the least honoring towards a woman’s family in this aspect. So many third world countries around the world lengthen and hyphenate names, the woman keeping her name and adding the husband’s name as well as a sign of respect for her family. Very normal in Latino cultures, as well as many many others. Native Americans created new names representing both sides. Point is, this is an area we have to work out together, make a decision. Sometimes, when both sides are in strong desire for one way or the other, one will have to submit. That’s what it came down to in my situation. Usually, I think couples an come to a respectful decision together, and if they can’t do that before they are married…well…then I think that’s a big red flag. If you can’t agree on a name together and someone won’t yield, oh boy…the bigger issues are going to be MUCH more difficult and the power struggles ahead are spooky.
I also agree with Robin. There are numerous reasons why a woman may choose keep her name unchanged after marriage. What about Christian women who are research scientists and doctors (using the gifts God chose to bless them with!) and are extensively published under their birth name or who have established a medical practice? Some women lose their father and decide to keep his name. These reasons are not in any way related to preparing for divorce.
If you truly think women who don’t change (or hyphenate) their names are preparing for divorce, then I am sorry to say I will no longer be one of your readers.
I agree with Nicole, Christie & Robin on this issue. Many (if not most) cultures around the world do not follow the same naming conventions as we do in the United States. I understand you are referring to where you live (here in the US). However, it’s important to note that our country is a melting pot of cultures, and just because we are living here doesn’t mean we don’t honor family traditions and heritage.
Whether a name is hyphenated or not changed at all, one cannot judge the heart of that person, their relationship with their husband, or there relationship with God. There are many ways of honoring your husband and marriage, and being Christian doesn’t always mean we need to fit inside a box of homogenous norms. Especially when those “norms” are created by people, NOT God.
To assume not changing your name is “reflecting the mentality in our American culture…of keeping everything separate” is simply judgemental, culturally insensitive and ignorant.
I’ve been a faithful reader for nearly two years and recommended your blog to dozens of my friends. But I’m honestly getting a little discouraged by some of the judgement and I’m not sure I can continue following along.
The Bible tells us to not be easily offended and certainly to practice grace with one another. And if you read something that rubs you the wrong way, practice grace! Know that people don’t have all the same life experiences, and don’t know your situation but don’t let one little ‘nit-picky’ thing ruin your opinion of someone. Lindsey has a very wonderful, sweet heart, and I’m sure she had no intention of offending anyone on some side point. She has a lot of wonderful things to say.
Amen! I’m learning grace as well. there were a few responses on here I reallllly wanted to give my opinion. And it might not have been a the BEST response. I’m learning to take a step back and to allow others to see their ways and to pray for them. In time, I pray I’ll be able to respond ALWAYS in love, and not in judgment.
I do have a tendency to quickly respond, but a sharp tongue is not always a good thing.
So I will say this, and for all to read. Lindsay, I pray I’ve never offended you w/my quick and sharp tongue. And if I ever have, please forgive me. You are a blessing! Continue ministering to everyone. Christians and non-christians a like, many are reading! Write what YOU know and what the Lord has given you. Sometimes the truth will rub us the wrong way, and in turn people get offended by the truth.
“One little ‘nit-picky’ thing” and “Some side point” ??!!
Lindsay equated a woman not changing her name with that woman having a “mindset of separation” in regards to her marriage. That is a big, huge, important, fundamental thing! You must see that, Danielle.
I am still waiting for Lindsay to respond to myself, Robin, Christie, and Heidi. If she doesn’t feel it is right to respond, then it is her choice to lose some of her faithful readers and we move on.
All she said about name changing is:
” forgo adopting or changing to the husband’s last name”
Her thought process on this point was a generalization of American culture. Does she really have to put a fine print on there saying “This is not true of all cases. It is not true of ALL people who do not take on their husbands name.” I think you’re reading too much into it. If you believe you have a biblical reason not to take on your husbands name, thats fine, and I’m sure its completely valid, but don’t get in a huff because Lindsay didn’t clarify herself. Let it slide.
Like I said, she has a lot of good things to say and she is a wonderful example to her readers. She writes so many encouraging and challenging things, and puts so many good resources out there for her readers. You know, this is a blog that you read, now if this was a church and you disagreed about something important, you’d probably consider leaving. But this is a blog, that has many good resources. If you keep following her blog, doesn’t mean you’re compromising your beliefs or morals.
Dear Nicole, Christie, Robin, and Heidi,
I am sorry to see such a small reference in my post be blown up into this argument. It surely was not my intention. I can certainly see that there may be good reason for you to keep your maiden name and that must be prayerfully dealt with between husband and wife. By all means. These are simply my thoughts looking at my own culture at large -so yes, a generalization – an observation. It is impossible for me to clarify every point I make, but try to keep things seasoned with salt as much as I can. But I am a sinner saved my grace, so I often fall short. I personally believe adopting my husband’s name is a way to show reference and honor to my husband and just a practical way to come under his leadership in our home. I wouldn’t do it any other way, but it certainly is a liberty issue.
My point was just to challenge us all to evaluate our hearts to make sure none of these practices were dividing points in our marriages. I want to see God glorified through strong marriages. I always prayerfully evaluate each post I write and I am sorry that came off as offensive, for it surely was not my intention. But let’s look at the entirety of the post to see my heart to serve and encourage my sisters…not to cause division but thoughtful prayer and encouragement. Before we comment in a negative way, let’s all give grace to one another to think and believe differently. As long as we are in agreement with the core issues of the gospel, then we are sisters. If you still feel it necessary to stop following my blog, I pray the Lord would go with you. For this blog is not about me, but about Him. So go with grace and peace for His glory!
The State of our Union document looks really helpful. Thank you for sharing!
Lindsay,
Loved this post, but I do have a question. When my husband and I married, I was a “Christian” (or so I thought at the time) and my husband was an atheist. We both had a “to each his own” attitude about religion. In the last year or so, my faith, my relationship with God, and my involvement in church, small groups, etc have grown immensely and I can now (proudly) say that I really am a Christian. My daily time with God is such an important part of my life now! BUT my husband still doesn’t believe, and that “to each his own” attitude I used to have has been replaced with lots of uncertainty. How do you keep God a major part of your marriage when your husband doesn’t believe in God? I’m praying for him, talking to him about everything I’m learning (and trying to do so in a manner that’s not too of-fputting for him), and hoping he will notice the changes in me that are all for the better (including lots more attention to him!). Do you (or any of your readers) have any other thoughts on this? I know I’m not the only one out there dealing with this, but I feel like it is an often overlooked issue. I’d love to see a blog post about it!
Read about Abigail. Abigail was a strong woman of God. Her husband was an un-Godly tyrant. She honored him, respected him, and supported him every way she could. You can’t change your husband. You can pray for him and be a Godly wife. That’s your job. Changing his heart is God’s job.
Keep praying. He will likely come to the Lord because of your faith, love, and obedience. Even if he doesn’t though (Abigail’s hubby didn’t), you can honor the Lord in that situation. Your marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Jesus Christ loved us while we were YET sinners, before we even believed and trusted in him as Christ-ians. You have the opportunity to share in Jesus’s fellowship when you love your husband while he is yet a sinner. God bless you and keep your faith strong. Satan would love to see you tear your marriage apart and covet others. Don’t let him.
Cara,
You are good to ask this question! Can I share a blog post that I just read yesterday which may encourage you?
http://womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/2011/02/thriving-in-spiritually-mismatched.html
I have similar questions as Cara.
I would like for us to be able to pray together, but I am not sure he appreciates it (he has had some scarring experiences with religion), and that makes me self-conscious, that he isn’t really that open to it, because of his past. Also, I just feel that I’m not very good at praying out loud (it normally sounds pretty juvenile, but simple prayers are what I prefer personally, but I think it sounds silly to others).
So basically there are a few things holding me and us back. The praying together is something we don’t do. I wish I knew of an easy way to “ease into it.”
Cara, I highly recommend Debi Pearl’s book Created to be His Help Meet. She covers the subject of having an unbelieving husband, as well as many others! I recommend it to any woman who is married, or ever intends to be. I pray that God will continue to guide you!
ugh! no! If you read this book do so with BOTH eyes open! It has lots of good advice and some very bad advice. I accepted it “enthusiasticly” and have since come to regret it. I think it could be helpful for women who tend to be overly-critical and who are married to generally well-intentioned husbands. I am in a verbally abusive marriage and this book has very poor advice when it comes to “loving” a man that would treat his wife this way!
Agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!! I would never recommend a Pearl book. And I’m not even in an abusive marriage. Jessica… I’m glad you see that it’s NOT your fault!
This book does have some great advice, but be careful because the advice about loving a cheating, abusive husband is scary. In a way she blames the wife for his behavior.
If you aren’t in an abusive relationship then there are some great things about this book. Just remember to take the good and discard the bad.
Thanks ladies! You offered some wonderful advice, and I’m going to read the blog posts and books recommended.
God is the author and designer of marriage. The end. Amen.
Lindsay,
I’m wondering if you can expand on what you mean in the first paragraph when you say, ” Divorce has ransacked every portion of our society, with the church sadly leading the way”?
Hi,
I can’t speak for Lindsay but when reading it I agreed with that statement. In regard to the church, in general, the church’s divorce rate/stats are EXACTLY the same as the world’s statistics. That is sad.
As the church, the body of Christ, we are called to be a light to the world… but how can that be when we look and act no differently than the world does? How can we be a good example when the church, overall (there are always exceptions), tends to follow the world than the other way around??
What I took it to mean was that people who attend church are unfaithful and divorcing at the same rate as those who are not believers. Those involved in church are committing sin by having affairs and divorcing just like those in the world.
I think one difference in today’s world vs yester-year’s is that wives in yester-year would continuing to remain married to an unfaithful man, what as today they chose. I am not saying either way is the proper and correct way, just stating an opinion.
Yes, I simply was referring to the statistics that the church has a higher divorce rate of 51% then the rest at 50%.
I have heard on a couple blogs recently about putting your husband over your children since your husband came first in your life. What about in the case of blended families? It seems to me a re-married mother should always put her children’s needs over any man in her life. Thoughts from this group of readers?
I do believe that the marriage relationship should be put first, not because it came first, but because your union is “one” & more permanent.
I know I will always be my children’s mother, too. But, our relationship will change. I am raising them to need me less & less as they grow. They will be independent adults one day. My husband & I are joined as one flesh & we are raising the kids together & when they are grown, we will still be one flesh & we will still need to move forward with glorifying God in our marriage union.
I can’t speak as one having been in the situation, but I would think much of that should be the same for a remarriage.
Yes, we should be sensitive to the kids & not neglect them & their emotional needs. And, you may need to take more care in a blended family. But, I think the marriage is still central & a foundation.
Hi Gretchen – Wanted to reply to this comment. My parents are divorced – my dad is remarried currently. While I was standing at my dad’s marriage ceremony, I listened to the pastor say something to the equivalent of “your marriage is number one, let nothing – work, life, children – come before it”. My internal reaction, as an 18 year old who didn’t get anything about marriage because I wasn’t married, was not great (granted, there are other issues there as well, but that’s a long story).
I was appalled that this pastor was saying that his kids now didn’t come before this new woman.
But as someone who’s now 24 and married, and more actively growing in my faith, I get it now. My husband and I are one flesh. And God says that what He has joined together, let no man separate. That includes *gulp* kids.
I’ve seen my parents struggle with this there whole lives – when they were married to each other, and when they’ve been married to others. It’s hard not to put those kids first (and I don’t have kids yet, so I’m sure I can’t even fathom how hard).
But I’ll tell you what – I think that the best gift my husband can give to our future children is loving their mom (me) well. And vice versa.
My two cents.
We have a 2-year-8-month-old and a 5-month-old. We are new to the area and don’t have friends yet. And my husband does not like his new job. So…Valentine’s Day was not really what we hoped for–it was more a day of high expectations, exhaustion, and disappointment. It was one of the worst days in some time for us, so this post was absolutely a God-send for me. Thank you for these concrete ideas and links. We cannot wait to focus more on making Christ the center of our marriage, instead of ourselves.
Rebecca,
Sorry to hear, and good luck to you. I can relate to your situation in a way. I think the best thing you can do, is just let your husband know how much you appreciate him, and be his biggest cheerleader and biggest supporter. Always take his side, because sometimes a man needs to come home and know that at least one person in the world believes in him (even if his boss seems to not care about his efforts). Also, listen to him vent. For my hubby, things got better with time, but sometimes there is an initial shock, because men place such high expectations on a new job.
I just keep reminding myself that if it was fun and easy, they wouldn’t have to pay people to do it!
Being in a new town is difficult! I believe these kinds of things make marriages stronger in the long run. You look back and say, “wow, that was hard, but look at how much better things are now.”
These are great tips! Thanks for writing such awesome, helpful blogs! I have just recently started praying daily for my husband and my children and it has been so great. My husband really appreciates that I have been praying for him, and I have already seen the fruit of my efforts! We used to meet twice a week to have a devotional time in the morning, but fell away from it, hopefully we can start doing that again sometime soon. As for date night, we try so hard, but you are right, it is so easy to get swept up in childcare and ministry (hubby is a youth/young adults minister). We have been trying to have date nights every week, even if it is just doing something at home after the kids have gone to bed. Movies, games, or something different like baking together or something like that. It can be so expensive to get a babysitter and go out, so this works for us!
I love your dad’s advice! I fell in love with my husband the night that we sat and talked about God and I could see his love for Christ shining in his face. I thought to myself, ‘this man will always love Christ more than anything else, more than me, more than the world’. That was when I knew he was the guy for me.
It is so crucial for us to see that a Christian marriage is not two Christians who happen to go through a wedding, but two people choosing to enter a covenant that has a mission of blessing the world as a representation of Christ’s love.
Great insight Lindsay! When my husband and I got married, we told the minister that we wanted everyone in the church to understand what we were doing, and that we were committed. Having both been through divorce, I know exactly what you are referring to.
God only gave us the freedom to divorce for man’s hardened heart. Jesus makes it clear that it repulses him, when he is asked why divorce is allowed in the Torah (the law) he responds with the hardness of mans heart, meaning that man turned his heart to stone, making the relationship impossible and unfruitful (man being mankind, NOT male bashing!!) The only things that qualified in those times were sexual immorality. Today it has come to mean so many things . . . and it’s sickening! Women pick out husbands as though they were shoes to return when they find a blemish, Men pick wives to aleviate boredom and the second they become bored with the girl they move on. . Now this isn’t what God intended at all!
When we got married, we wanted to show a difference. I personally believe that we did that day and we have continued with our relationship, because of exactly these principles. God’s covenant was NOT to be broken and that’s what we entered into, was a covenant, with each other and God. Keeping Christ at the center is keeping our foundation pure and strong, and I earnestly pray that every new marriage has that rock to build upon. While I know it’s unrealistic, if we as Christian women stand up and make an effort to show the world our foundations through our marriages and our lives, the world will at very least be able to see it and God will be glorified
)
I look forward to reading the rest of this months posts!!
I love the babysitting co-op idea
. Such a great plan, and a chance to connect with some other families!! 
If you are a family that leaves your timing and amount of children up to the Lord and aren’t surrounded by a community that does the same, a baby-sitting co-op likely won’t work. We had four children in 5 1/2 years. There just were not moms that were willing to watch four brand new little kids. They couldn’t handle it along with theirs. I’d forever be behind in co-op “points” with a newborn, 18 month old, barely 3 year old and 4 year old. I could never ever keep up. Have a mid-day date during naptime for an hour, or after bedtime for an hour where you set aside to have a “stay-at-home-date”, similar to the concept of a “stay-cation” instead of a vacation.
I wonder what would happen if the whole church went back to understanding marriage as a sacrament, as it still is in the orthodox (Catholic, Russian Orthodox, etc.) denominations. What if we understood the graces that God has to offer us in this sacrament? And, what if we understood that while the state can grant a divorce, the Church cannot. Because God says so. No man can put asunder what God has joined.
But enough pondering. Great resources, Lindsay! Thank you!!
~Bethany
The links in point number four for the State of the Union document won’t work for me. Could you point me in the right direction?
it worked for me. You must have Word to open it.
this is a beautiful post, and marriage is a beautiful thing when Christ is in the center
I don’t believe in all of the God stuff, but I do like the bit about how we prepare for divorce before we even say ‘I do’. I wouldn’t have married my husband if I believed a divorce was possible.