Aaron and I will be celebrating our fourth anniversary this May, and I believe my love for him has grown twice as much in the last six months as it did in the previous 3 1/2 years. How could it possibly have flourished so significantly in such a short time? It is because God has been teaching me two huge important lessons…let go of the unrealistic expectations and focus on the positives.
It must be a feminine trait connected with our emotional inclinations for love and romance that would incline me as a woman to expect that my husband should surprise me with occasional gifting of flowers, mushy cards, arranging surprise special dates and outings. I desperately wanted him to demonstrate love to me in this practical way. I just wanted him to know what I wanted without even communicating my desires. Have you ever had those moments when he asked you what you wanted to do and you did not respond? You just wanted him to know? How silly of me to expect him to know my every whim and fancy. He is a man. He thinks differently than a woman. I was holding unrealistic expectations over his head that he ought to be creative, only to be disappointed.
Expectations creeped in for him to play his part around the house, to take out the garbage for me, or help with the dishes occasionally. I was focusing on all that I was contributing without considering all the laborious hours of work that he was offering up on my behalf that we might be well provided for. There was a deeper issue in my heart that the Lord had to weed out. I was so desirous of this practical service that I became bitter towards my husband time and time again. It was becoming idolatrous. Ultimately, deep down I wanted him to be consumed with me and my needs. I would hold these little oversights in my heart until they would come out like a floodgate of tears and frustration. I was focusing on the shortcomings.
Did I ever take thought to his needs? He had to do one thing for 8 hours in the day, while I was able to chose a variety of activities to do around my home. Have I ever been thankful for that?
In preparation for my birthday this past year, I originally hoped he would plan this wonderful surprise outing for me. But God began to show me my foolish expectations. Instead, I simply shared what I would enjoy doing for the day. I delight in exploring new places, walking, and enjoying the blessings of nature. I wanted to take the day and enjoy downtown Portland. Walking around, having coffee, touring used book stores, and enjoying a local new restaurant was my ideal. My birthday ended up being one of the best days of my life. Why? Because we were together, enjoying life. I let go of the expectations.
Over these last six months, thanks in part to Revive Our Hearts 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge, I have learned and continue to grow in my appreciation for the way God designed my man to be. My husband is amazingly steady, devoted to providing for our family, and that is the way that he naturally shows love to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would rather die that stop providing for me. He is so devoted and loyal. He loves the Lord and delights to serve His church.
Once I started to change my focus away from his shortcomings, I began to see more and more of the beautiful gifts he has. I started praising him more for those qualities. I started cheering him on. When he did take out the trash without my nagging, I would give him a big huge and express my love and appreciation. I learned that even if I had to pick up after him occasionally, this was a way that I was being his helper. God fashioned and designed me for my man and he needs me. Yes, he can pick up after himself, but this is not worth holding over him. I changed my focus to see this as an opportunity to serve and help my husband.
What has been the result? Focusing on the good qualities has caused our love to blossom. Not only that, but my husband started taking more initiative. Just this past week, he totally surprised me with a beautiful boutique of flowers! He started serving me in so many practical ways around house, and caring for the children. It has been so awesome! When I thank him and praise him more for these actions, our love continues to grow.
This is our story…your story will likely look different…but might there be some unrealistic expectations that you are harboring?
We cannot change our man, but we can influence him for the better. We can take the plank out of our own eye first, and then, by God’s grace and wisdom, we will be able to see and help assist removing the plank in our husband’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5). Many times we will see that it is only a small stone that may in fact vanish when we focus first on our own hearts and actions.
In a nutshell…
- Keep your trust first and foremost in the Lord.
- Communication is key.
- Don’t harbor bitter thoughts. See them for what they really are. Idols!
- Write out your expectations. Lay them out before the Lord. Some expectations are certainly biblical (that he is to be faithful, provide, etc), while others (as witnessed above) are not. Prayerfully evaluate them.
- Start praying for your man. Pray that He might grow into the man God would have him be, and not the way you would have him be.
- Communicate with your husband. Share your desires and leave it at that. Let the Lord work in his heart.
- Focus on his quality character traits. Take 30 days and each day try to express vocally one thing you admire about your husband to him and others.
- True joy comes in the service of others, especially your husband. (Matthew 23:11)
Get behind your man, dear sisters. He needs you! He is so much more productive when you get behind him, trust him, and believe in him. But ultimately, keep your trust in the Lord first and foremost, as the holy women of old…
“This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.” (1 Peter 3:5-6).
Resources:
Praying for Your Man – 31 Days of Prayer – a free helpful tool for praying for your husband.
30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge - take the challenge! It’s worth it. God can transform your marriage too!
NOTE: My husband has reviewed and approved this post. 
I find that this is an area that I struggle with from time to time. Thank you for the encouragement and the conviction!
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. mmmm hunh.
Hi! Even though I’m not a religious person, this is something I try to focus on all the time. I will have been married three months next week. I had to leave my family (including a brother that I’d never been apart from for more than two weeks since he’s been born, even though I’m 21) and the place I’d lived my entire life to move to the other side of the country. It was also the first time I’ve lived on my own. Even though I was responsible and frugal before, suddenly I was plunged into this world where it actually mattered, and if I screwed up, it could have seriously implications.
I was stressed, homesick, and hating the cold weather that I’d not been accustomed to before. I was mad at myself for being like this, because I thought I was a horrible wife (later, talking to other married women, I find this is pretty common in the first, especially when a big move is involved.) All these reasons led to me taking out my frustration on my husband for a few weeks. Fortunately, he knew that the root reason was me being terribly homesick and lonely, and didn’t take it personally.
Things are much better now! I’ve learned (remembered, really) to love him for the person he is. Every time I find myself getting annoyed because he doesn’t do something, I take time to think about all the wonderful things he does do for me. Also, I’ve accepted that he is not a mind reader, and take the time to express my needs to him. That sometimes after dinner, I don’t have the energy to put up dinner and hand-wash all the dishes. Once I told him areas that I needed his help, he jumped right in, and does such things without asking. I also let him know daily that I love and appreciate him. It makes things so much nicer!
Wow. I could not have read this at a better time. I love how God provides answers even when I don’t know I need one. This struck a chord deep in my heart. Thank you for sharing.
What a nice post, Lindsay.
I’ve been reading your blog for some time…I live in the Vancouver area, so it’s always nice to see your local tips
I have to admit, I’m not much into religion, but I thought you may like to know that often times your posts like this reach across faiths. I think I’m going to go give my husband a hug (he’s in the bathroom, bathing our kids b/c I smashed my finger…timely reading, huh?!).
So fun to find another who has found Revive Our Hearts’ downloads! There are a few great, ones, eh? I found and printed those off about a year ago. I like the prayer one as a reference…there’s also one for kiddos, too, if you haven’t seen!
My husband and I are just finishing Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Great. Humbling, but great. Best thing he said in there (for me) was that God COMMANDS wives to respect their husbands…period. His commands are not dependant on what another person’s heart/attitude is like – He’s commanding US to do it(whatever “it” may be). Sometimes simply obeying God and choosing to believe that His word is TRUE – when it doesn’t seem like it’ll help anything in our eyes – takes faith. God is true to His word! Lord, increase our faith, that we wives might obey in ALL things!
I just want to say thank you for this post. It definitely ministered to me. I could completely relate. I quoted you in a post that I’m writing, I just put it up.
I think you have some things right here.
But I think it needs to be said that it is good to *ask* for what you want. If you need help with housework there is nothing wrong with asking for it. If you do so in a non-demanding tone then he will have the freedom to say “no” if he simply can’t handle the request in that moment. Sometimes spouses would be willing to help if they just knew that it was needed.
My husband rarely helps on his own accord, but I frequently ask him if he could help with homework or baths or dishes as they often need to be done at the same time. 95% of the time he comes through and takes on a task. Because he does say “yes” so often, it is much easier to be respectful during those times when he says he is too tired/etc.
Great post, and I whole-heartedly agree.
Even if it doesn’t lead to bouquets of flowers, it can still lead to a greater friendship and appreciation of one another. But flowers are great! My husband and I have been married for over 20 years now, but I remember well those early years and my unrealistic expectations. He had some as well. 
I’m thankful God has seen us this far and I am truly thankful for my man. 
Thanks for the post, Lindsay – just need to remind myself of it every time that I see some clothes on the floor or the toilet seat open. I tend to take those kind of things as personal disrespect to me and forgetting about all the times he is helping with the dishes etc.
Thank-you so much for sharing! I so appreciate learning from Godly woman who have so much wisdom to share. I am getting married in seven weeks – the end of March! My desire is to be a real blessing to my husband, to stand by him and build him up. It seems so daunting at times when I realize the responsibility I have toward him and yet I know that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be the kind of wife He has called me to be. I am so looking forward to it!! God bless you so much as you continue being an encouragement to so many woman.
lindsey, i am blow away at how practical your blog is, without idolizing home making and organic eating. and if you do, you are good at being transparent and confessing it. i pray that God blesses you through your efforts to serve other women. thank you for your hard work. wish we could be buddies, but we’re not in the same state
this will do though.
Thank you for being so honest and real! I have not been blessed with marriage yet, but I can imagine myself having those same expectations. I’ll definitely be printing this out as a reminder and keeping this wisdom near my heart.
Thanks for this! I’ve been reminded to be continually thankful for my husband. It is so easy to allow wrong expectations to built up and steal the joy we should have in the blessing God has given. It is good to be reminded, and I’ve often thought of your post in the last few days.
The 30-day-challenge is my fave!!!
Very, very timely post. Jesse and I have been married 5 1/2 years now and struggling through the same things. We just had a big discussion about this. I was harboring a lot of resentment for him not knowing how I felt or what I was thinking. I felt like we were keeping track of all the things each other did around the house and if one person was doing more, the next blow up we would bring all the things up that each other had done the last few weeks. We used the terms “always” and “never” (“You always throw your clothes on the floor!” or “You never make the bed!”) The other day, I was so fed up that I just decided to google “respect your husband”. Wow, what a God-send. I found that same 30 day husband encouragement that Lindsay talks about in this post. I prayed and wrote my husband a long letter apologizing for not respecting him. He fully appreciated it and I think with God’s help, we are on the path to a healthier and HAPPIER marriage. Thanks for the encouraging words, Lindsay!
Wonderful google search! My husband and I both are finishing up Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs – you might check it out! Life changing for our marriage.
Just what I needed to hear. Thanks for the post!
Thank you for the post. I have been struggling with the very same thing. It has been hard after a frustrating day with the baby, not to hand him off to the hubby, instead of letting my hubby to relax after his long day and commute. I did the 30 days of encouragement my last month of pregnancy, but realized in the past couple days, that I need a refresher.
Great post! I would highly recommend Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It was a marriage changing book. I have a whole new attitude about the purpose of my marriage, it is actually designed by God to bring us closer to God! (not to make us happy, but to make us HOLY) way cool.
The Lord has been dealing with me about this very thing, Lindsay. Thank you for sharing your heart and being open about what God is doing in your life and marriage. This was a blessing to me. Kristy @ Homemaker’s Cottage
Thank you for this post. I think unrealistic expectations can be the undoing of a marriage, and have been the biggest challenge to me in these first 3 years! Thank you for the reminder, and for the challenge to encourage and compliment our husbands. It’s so easy to fall into complacency, but so essential to work hard at loving our husbands. I think part of this is also realizing my motives for serving my husband. Am I truly cleaning/cooking/working/giving affection out of LOVE, or am I really just serving my own desires? This also ties into your post about natural living being an idol. I realized that it had become a selfish pursuit for me (causing undue stress on me and my family), and am trying make it a labor of love! Thank you for your ministry in my life… as so many others have said, you are an inspiration and encouragement to me!
Thanks for the encouraging post. Very challenging!
I had prayed for years that the Lord would make my husband a better leader, and he has granted that desire more than I could have imagined. Little did I know that what I should have been praying more faithfully was that I would be a better follower! And, as many have said already, thank you for your transparancy in this blog. It is very encouraging for other wives/mothers to see a godly example of how to deal with struggles we ALL face!
Bless you and your ministry here.
~Natalie C
Thank you for this… that was really a blessing to me. I’ve tried to take that 30-day challenge a few times before, but since part of the challenge is not saying anything negative to or about your husband for the entire 30 days, i felt the need to start over once i failed that part of it… you encouraged me to take it again! I am definitely guilty of having unrealistic expectations and failing to acknowledge the very many ways my husband is a blessing to our family.
thank you!
Good post! It is amazing how when you just let go how you are so much more able to focus on the good. I liked your story about the birthday outting you wanted. I do that alot..think my husband is a mind reader and that he will just KNOW what I want…but if you just say it you will be much less dissapointed. Men and women are just so different. Communication is key
Thanks for the post, I felt like I could have written it myself!I totally hold unrealistic expectations and am working on changing them, but it is hard work! We always end up fighting over the stupid little things that I have held onto and how he is oblivious to needs and desires that I feel should be screaming out to him. I will definitely try ot be a better helper and help us to have a more enjoyable time together.
Hi Lindsey!
Thanks for your post. It’s interesting how we wives often start to believe that our husbands should help us more and forget that in the beginning when God created Eve, he made her to be a help fit for Adam, her husband. God gave Adam a work and then gave him Eve to help him with his work- not the other way around!
Recently I was impressed with the thought that I was unhappy because my husband just wasn’t meeting my love needs. He’s a wonderful provider, husband and father, but like you said, he just wasn’t reading my mind about little romantic things I wished he would do for me, or helping around the house as much as I wished he would.
Then it hit me: If we both selfishly demand from the other what we need, we won’t be happy, because often neither of us understands the others’ wishes about showing love. BUT if we both turn our full attention to seeking the others’ happiness and meeting their love/respect needs, we can find fulfillment in forgetting ourselves and making our loved one happy.
Love is a verb. “For God so loved, He gave…” God loved us so much that He chose to look for a way to supply what we needed (redemption), and did not just demand that we fulfill what He needed. When I am selfishly looking for what my husband can do for me, I am miserable, even when he does help, because I wish he would do more. But when I’m unselfishly looking for ways to fill his needs and wants, I get joy from seeing his delighted reaction to something special I thought up to do to please him. : )
It’s fun to:
1. Make your husband’s favorite meal
2. Make Daddy’s homecoming a big deal and get the kids to run and greet him when he comes home.
3. Make home a retreat for Dad- play relaxing music, light scented candles, give him a shoulder rub and bring him his slippers.
4. Leave him love notes in his clothing drawers.
5. Stick yellow post it notes all over the house listing why you respect him for him to find when he gets up in the morning.
6. Make a poster telling how great dad is listing tons of positive adjectives that remind you of him. Post it on the main entrance of your home.
7. Buy him his favorite magazine and read it together.
8. Collect jokes to tell at meal times to him. I love my husband’s laugh! : )
9. Post a list of the top 10 reasons you respect your husband on your closet door. He’ll love it!
I think you would enjoy the book I recently read that has been very eye opening on the subject of love and respect in marriage. It’s titled: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires and the Respect He Desperately Needs, by Emmerson Eggerichs
Thanks again for your thought provoking post. : )
Yes! Great book!
Hello Lindsay, I was blessed by your post on so many levels. First of all because it really spoke to my heart. Even after 20 years of marriage (coming up in May), I regularly struggle with my own selfishness and expectations and when I focus on me, it always makes things worse. It also blessed me because of your transparency, which shows how tender your heart is toward the Lord. And finally, I am blessed because the gracious way you post things and the sweetness of your spirit reaches so many women. What an honor our Savior has bestowed on you to be His instrument to women that you may never meet on this earth, but whose lives you touch because you allow His Spirit to speak through you and your life.
Karilee
It’s interesting that I’ve been pondering what to blog about all day long and the word marriage keeps popping into my head. Specifically, the changes that my husband and I have experienced in the past 7 months. We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary in November and welcomed our 4th child in December. Our relationship has been a crazy roller coaster, but in the past 7 months it has turned into something that I never thought possible. It started with me realizing that nagging him wasn’t working (only took 6 1/2 years to realize) and that I needed to change my heart and the way I treated him if I expected him to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. And the Lord has worked an amazing change in both of us since then.
One part of your post really made me think -”Did I ever take thought to his needs? He had to do one thing for 8 hours in the day, while I was able to chose a variety of activities to do around my home. Have I ever been thankful for that?” My husband works two jobs – one as a fire/medic that has him on for 48-hour shifts and one as an E.R. tech that has him on 12-hour shifts. I would complain that he got a “break” from everything while at the fire station and that he just got to sit around at work and do nothing, but I never looked at it from this perspective. Thank you! I truly needed to look at it differently as this has been one thing that I’ve really struggled with. I am so encouraged by your ministry!
Awesome, thanks SO much for this post! I should probably be reading this post every day!!
I can so relate! I want my husband to just ‘know’ what he should do. I expect him to think like me. After being married for almost 9 years, I’m finally starting to get it! The past few months have been particularly difficult (we had our 4th child and bought a house during this time)and it was really really getting me down.
It all boils down to us communicating- not mind reading, ha,ha. Sometimes I wonder why God made us SO different- it’s like we speak different languages sometimes. (by the term ‘us’ I mean all men and women) As our life gets busier I find myself looking back to when he fell in love with me and was pursuing me, and wish for that again. I have to remind myself that we are in a different season and that if we want a strong marriage with love and romance, we have to work at it a lot, most of which depends on me
You reap what you sow.
Since our last ‘discussion’ I’ve been working on being more pleasant when he gets home in the evenings, making myself more feminine and pretty, taking his needs into consideration, praising him, being extra kind when he needs it etc. Just now he cleaned and scrubbed the kitchen after dinner, all on his own initiative too, last night he took all the girls except the baby to church by himself and got them all into bed afterwards (I was grocery shopping) on his own, then hauled in the grocery sacks and put the food away while I was tending to the baby, brought me roses and an encouraging letter, demonstrated his love for me in er, more intimate ways
and so forth.
What you say is SO true and there are many, many women who do not know this, that have unsatisfactory marriages their whole lives. I am extremely thankful that I know what I know now, thank you Jesus!
You are a gem Lindsay! Your husband is a very blessed man! I think this world would be a MUCH better place if more wives cared to put these biblical truths to practice! Thanks for being so honest. You certainly aren’t alone!
I am doing the e-mail challenge, thanks for the link!
It is so neat that there are so many great comments on this topic. I have been married for almost 9 years now, I can’t believe how time has flown. I only get to see my husband on weekends right now because my husband is taking college classes and working right by his college, The Lord diffinately provided that job. Anyways, I am so focused on myself at times and not on the Lord. I’ve really been reading my Bible lately and it has been a huge encouragement. I pray for my husband throughout the day, especially for his new job, he has only worked there 2 weeks now. The Lord has really made it clear to me that I really need to wait on Him and he will provide everything I need. I don’t need to fully depend on earthly things, but depend on Jesus. I do miss my husband a ton, but we will see each other more in Aug., so the Lord is diffinately providing for us. On the weekends when he is home, about 24 hours home, we have great quality time together. Our marriage has really strengthend through all of this. The two sayings I really like are: We do our best and Jesus does the rest. Also, what the Lord guides He provides. Thanks again for your article. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing how the Lord is working through your life.
Thanks, Lindsay. I appreciate your sharing and can totally relate.
Just wondering if anyone (especially Lindsay) has read the book “Romancing Your Husband” by Debra White Smith? It’s a wonderful book that addresses this exact same issue. I read it about 4 years ago and it was very helpful in beginning changes in my marriage. I won’t say “it” changed my marriage, because I believe only God can do that, since it’s really the people in the marrige who have to change! I also learned from some wonderfully wise women in my church that you should never criticize your husband to ANYONE. I have made it my goal not to do this and it has been a blessing. I never have to eat my words!
Our marriage certainly isn’t perfect, because we are both human. But I never worry about my husband leaving me or cheating on me because of the openness we have in our marriage. My mother’s advice to me when I got married was “There is no easy way to do a hard thing and nothing worth having is easy.”
Lindsay,
Your first line that says your love has grown so much more in the last few months exactly describes our marriage as well. This summer during our hunting trips, I re-read Debi Pearl’s book Created to be His Helper (I had only read it once, before I was married) and it totally impacted me in a new way that it didn’t the first time around. A lightbulb came on, and we finally figured out what my husband’s love language is. He needs lots of touch hugs, neck squeezes, back rubs, etc. to feel loved, whereas I need verbal affirmation.
Another good resource for pleasing our husbands is The Generous Wife daily tips. I enjoy getting them in my email every day as little ideas to bless my husband.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have gotten in a rut of constantly putting my husband down and expecting him to know my thoughts. I have complained much about how my needs aren’t being met and will end our nights we have together (which isn’t a lot) in tears of frustration as well. I am going to take the challenge!!!
This post really resonated with me, especially the part about ‘focusing on all that I was contributing without considering all the laborious hours of work that he was offering up on my behalf that we might be well provided for.’ Thanks for the helpful thoughts!
Lindsay, I read your blog often, but don’t often comment. This was just a great post and a great, truthful message. Thank you for that. I have been married now over 10 years. My husband and I dated for 6 years before that. I can relate very much to your post. Things got tough in our marriage when we had twin newborns at home and were both seriously sleep deprived. After a few tough years, my husband gave me the best Christmas gift – a “certificate” for a marriage retreat (which is something I had long wanted to do). The retreat gave us a time and place to focus on communicating and appreciating each other more. Once we were able to let go of the “score keeping” and able to focus on how we can serve and help each other, our marriage became so much more fulfilling and positive. I think your message here is just beautiful.
This is so encouraging. My husband and I have been married for 4 years also and after the birth of our daughter last year I noticed so many changes in my heart towards my husband. I was tired, overwhelmed and felt that he did not do enough for me. He became the sole provider at that time and I know that effected him. My role had changed so much, but so had his! All I could see was myself. I still struggle with this, but it is a learning process. While reading your article I felt like you were reading my mind. Thanks so much for reaffirming something God has been working on my heart about!
Thank you, thank you! This post is SOOOOO timely. I really needed to hear everything you said. I am going to those links and starting today! Thanks for being sensitive to the Lord’s leading!
Thank you, thank you! This post is SOOOOO timely. I really needed to hear everything you said. I am going to those links and starting today! Thanks for being sensitive to the Lord’s leading!
Thank you for this post. I have been struggling as of late with this issue. It’s really taking a toll on my attitude and life. I need to let go!
Debbie, I have to respectfully disagree with you. She was in no way saying that “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. It was a simple and true acknowledgement that God obviously created Man and Woman to be different from each other…similar in many ways, but clearly designed to complement the other for his glory. Men aren’t women, and women aren’t men.
Thank you for this post, Lindsay. We will be celebrating our seventh anniversary in August and these are all truths I have learned along the way. Our marriage is thriving because of the principles you stated, and I hope we are able to bear a beautiful witness to the world around us. Already, I have friends who don’t believe we can be “for real” because of our deep level of genuine love and respect for each other. I just wish I understood these things a little better when we were married, barely age 20, in 2003. It would have spared the poor man from many of my fits of tears and frustration, and the only thing he could say is “what do you want from me?”
Thanks for the post. I needed this. I just signed up for the 30 day challenge and I am really looking forward to it!
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom from the Lord! I wrestle with the exact same unrealistic expectations and have been harboring bitterness and resentment towards my husband because of those unfair expectations. These are things I have to remind myself of often and it is so good to hear someone speak of dealing with and overcoming (though it is a constant struggle sometimes) these expectations and growing in love with your husband. Thanks again for that reminder and encouragement. I love your blog!
What a wonderful post! Growing up I didn’t have a good model for marriage. A couple of books that really helped me put things into perspective are The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlessinger and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. After reading the latter, I realized that my love language is “words of affirmation”. I find myself telling him how much I love and appreciate him. Likewise, I need HEAR those same things to feel love. Being able to communicate this directly to my husband was wonderful! For him, I realized his love language is “acts of service”. He does all kind of wonderful things for me. Likewise, he needs me to do nice things for him in order for him to FEEL loved. I could tell him all day long, but he really FEELS it when I do nice things for him.
We’re the same way Jen. I do for him what I really need. I write little notes and tell him how special he is. He doesn’t seem to receive it though. He’s trying to do little things for me that don’t matter all that much to me.
Julie, you may consider re-evaluating what your love languages really are. I am more gifted at writing little notes as well to express appreciation and my husband responded the same way. It wasn’t the way that he really appreciated love. Through much prayer and conversation together, I came to realize that although I was better at the notes, he really needed the vocal affirmation. This was harder for me to give, it took more active work, but it has caused him to flourish. I would encourage you to really sit down with your husband, read the Five Love Languages together and be honest with what you appreciate and how you feel loved. Hope that helps!
My husband and I will be celebrating our 15th year of marriage in a few weeks. I have been down the same road it seems as many of you. I just want to add another thing I have learned in my journey.
Never talk complain or talk badly of your spouse to anyone including your children. I use to just “vent” to my sisters, friends, and mother about those little things that rubbed me the wrong way. I also grew up in a home that my mother grumbled to us children a lot about my dad. I decided about 10 years ago that I would not continue down this path. I wanted my daughters to think that their dad was worthy of respect. I only say positive things of my husband even when I do not want to.
Two things came from this: 1)it amazes me that when people I already know meet my husband for the first time, they always comment to him how pefect he must be because they have never heard anything negative about him. Or they tell him how I gush about him. That always puts a smile on his face. I see the confidence that puts in him. 2)it has made me really focus on his strengths and has given me many chances to fall in love all over again.
People comment a lot on what a great marriage we have. It is not perfect but when we try to put our best foot forward it is amazing how truly blessed our marraige is!
Really great post! My husband and I just had a really long conversation about unrealistic expectations and how they damage our marriage and parenting. I think remembering to be thankful for everything, even the hardships, puts new perceptive on things.
I don’t comment much on blogs, but I had to on this one, because what you’re saying sounds so much like me, and what I’ve learned! I’ve come to learn that marriage is not about romantic notions. Not that it doesn’t have that too. But our marriage does *not* have to be a story-tale romance, acting passionately in love all of the time. I had to learn that that’s OK. If I am being obeying God’s commands in regards to the wife-husband relationship, God is pleased, and joy comes naturally from that, spilling over into our marriage. It’s hard for me to explain, clearly, but I think you’ll get my meaning. It’s just been so FREEING to let go of wistful, (sometimes bitter) dreaming over what I wish we had, to simply doing what God has asked of me, and letting Him fill in the love and joy.
And, should it surprise me, He has! Our marriage is more joyful and close today than it ever has been before. Praise God. (By the way, we’ll be married 4 yrs in May, too!
God bless you, and your marriage!
What an amazing post. I started this journey and a bit more about a year ago. God weighed heavy on my heart that I needed to step back and let go control of every little thing in the house hold and to communicate more with my husband on things I wanted. Our third year of marriage has been our best. I finally feel like achieving a marriage like my grandparents is possible.
Thank you for posting this!
Thanks so much for sharing this Lindsey! It came at a great time… may have to read it over and over for it to sink in, but oh so true!
I must say that this wisdom never grows stale. As a woman married some years to an unsaved husband I find once again I am challenged anew by it and so appreciate the resources you have shared too. I’m praying about the challenges…which one is best to take on first. It is never too late to start putting these things into practice. Great job on the post Lindsay.
Hi Patty,
Have you heard of the book “Beyond Expectations: Finding Joy in Your Marriage” by Nancy Sebastian Meyer? Nancy is married to an unbeliever. It’s a great book for all! but does specifically talk about being married to an unbeliever. It helped me with a lot of the things talked about in this post. I highly recomend it.
Lindsey, thanks so much for another great post … this is such an important issue. My husband and I went through a year-long separation during our dating and engagement. During that time,when our contact was almost entirely limited to phone calls and emails, we learned how differently we communicated and how tiny misunderstandings could lead to huge problems. During that time and over the course of our 2 and 1/2 year marriage, I have repeatedly had to remind myself that if something my husband does is bothering me, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to let him know! I cannot sit around waiting for HIM to just magically figure it out and change!
I have the opposite problem. I let him know TOO much. Seriously, if I don’t like the way he makes the bed do I really have to nag him about it? Instead, I need to be thankful that he’s making the bed in the first place and not be so prideful to think that my way is the best way.
Thank you for this post Lindsay. The Lord has blessed you with wisdom beyond your years.
Wonderful post and so very true. Something I have been learning alot this past year too! Have you ever read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas? I would highly recommend it, great book.
On the weaning question…… take one feed at a time and give it at least a couple days to a week before dropping another. Will be easiest on your body and easier on Titus too. I would drop the day feedings first, leaving the first morning and before bedtime feeds to drop last. Distraction is the key. If he is used to nursing when he wakes from his nap, plan to go outside for a little while right after he wakes and do something different. Offer cups of milk or water frequently so he can get used to getting that liquid and nourishment from there. Get him the same sippy cup you are using for your older child…. I am finding my youngest just want the same as big brother and wants nothing to do with her cups. My daughter is 14 months and does fine with even a nalgene bottle. As you drop feedings your milk supply should decrease on its own and you may find he is ready to drop anther feed on his own as there isn’t much milk there. Hope that helps – you’ll do fine and it sounds like a wonderful get away is planned!
I second the recomendation of “Sacred Marriage”!
Thank-you for the post Lyndsay! These things really should be talked about so much more.
This is a wonderful, encouraging and TRUTHFUL post!! It reminds of the book Created to be His Helpmeet, by Debi Pearl. Helping you realize that you have to let go of how you think things should be, stop focusing on yourself, and BE the helpmeet you were created to be! And your marriage can be heavenly!!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and God’s faithfulness and victory! Bless you!
I’m so excited to take the 30 day challenge! Thanks!
Thank you! I just wanted to let you know why this post was very important to me.. I’m 19 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, going on 6 later on this year. (So yes, I met him when I was only 13!) When I was 16 years old I started to develop symptoms of borderline personality disorder. (Most people are not familiar with it, and is often misunderstood, so just know that it causes some serious problems with relationships) I immediately educated myself on the disorder and now, for the most part, have it under control. Although I do feel like it sometimes drags me down to the point where I feel I haven’t made any progress at all. Even this morning, I let myself become depressed because I had a dream that my boyfriend was off enjoying time with a beautiful girl. I mean, c’mon, it was a DREAM. Nothing serious, or real. Why let it get to me? I suppose its because that’s what I feel is going to happen if I continue to behave in such a way…but then again to become more depressed because of knowing that doesn’t help the situation at all. Especially over such a frivolous thing.
So, to get to the point… My BPD has made our relationship very stormy, especially lately, since I’ve been so down and depressed. Bless his heart that he puts up with it. So along with my irrational thinking (which I’m aware it’s irrational when I’m thinking it, but can still be difficult to push the thoughts aside), I have all these womanly thoughts of expecting way too much of out him when I can’t even tell him what I want. Do I really expect him to do something when I can’t be clear with what I want? Why would I expect him to be attentive to my feelings, when all Ive done in the past is shut him out, or push him away? I have very much been focusing on the short-comings, and then I over-analyze and obsess over each one. It only makes me bitter and less desirable to my significant other, which is definitely something I do not want! So I’m very relieved that I decided to check up on your blog, because I must say it is perfect timing.
So ultimately I will take your advice and beginning today I will let go of my grudges and allow myself to love again. And again, thank you so much! You haven’t the slightest idea how much this post helped me mentally.
Lol, excuse me I met him when I was 14, not 13…Figures I dont see that mistake until after I post.
It seems like every post you’ve put on here has been something I’ve been thinking about or stuggling to deal with. God bless you for your honesty and for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you! This was something I needed to read right now.
Good for you Lindsay. You are way ahead of me! I think it took me about 8 years to figure this out. You can also adapt that goal for child rearing as well….let go of unrealistic expectations. Heck, you can even apply this to politics!
We both agree if we did not voice our want we can not be mad at the other. Even after 18 years we are still not mind readers.
What a great post, Lindsay! As a newlywed, this is just the encouragement and challenge that I need! And it echoes a book my husband and I read during our premarital counseling, “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs — men and women DO think differently, and have different needs and perspectives.
Thank you for yet another timely post!
Blessings,
Shannon
You know, I really felt like I grew exponentially in love for my husband this year as well (we celebrated our fourth anniversary in December, and we also have two little babies–a girl and a boy!) The unrealistic expectations I will admit, I let go of long before we were married. My husband grew up very differently from me and in addition to being a man, he’s an engineer! I will say, he often thinks to help me with the dishes–if he notices me doing them–because he wants to be my knight in shining armor, but he hardly ever NOTICES that the trash needs taking out and he rarely surprises me with flowers. I have learned, though, that if I will humble myself and ASK him for something, he nearly always delivers with a heart brimming over with generosity and joy.
As to the “thinking positive,” though, now that’s something I learned in a big way this year. Also, learning to appreciate my husband for exactly who HE is. So much of the rhetoric in conservative Christian circles is that a man should lead his family in a specific way for the Lord. My husband is a committed Christian, a good husband, and a wonderful father. But, he didn’t look like many of these wives’ pastor husbands I read about. I have learned to respect and honor and appreciate my husband’s leadership exactly as it is without prodding or expecting him to be something he is not.
I’m interested in the Husband Challenge! Thanks for the link.
God bless your marriage!!!!
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? I’ve found it very helpful in learning to appreciate the different expectations that my husband and I have.
A godly woman told me that I was given to my husband to be his helper, not his conscience. He has the Holy Spirit to convict him of sin and his wife to be a helpmeet. Rather than filling the rest of this comment with qualifiers, I’ll just say that thinking of that rule has been helpful to me in defining my role.
Thanks for this, Lindsey! It is so hard to let go of those expectations, because so many of them are so emotional for us! I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon last night, in which he said one of the key realizations Christian spouses HAVE to make is, “I am not a god. I am a servant.” Once we stop thinking that our spouse should serve and worship us (scary, isn’t it?) and start thinking about how WE should serve him, it revolutionizes our marriage. How challenging! It’s truly a heart issue, and I need Jesus to change me before I can hope to be the kind of servant-hearted wife he’s called me to be.
Thank you so much for sharing this! One of my “New Year’s Resolutions” was to really work not complaining! I have an incredible, sacrificing husband, who like yours, LOVES to serve and provide for me, yet all too often I make him feel like it is never enough. Ugh. There are some projects to do around the house and I nag him about them, even after he put in a long day at work, went to work out with me, run an errand, and have dinner with my family(!) I’m so grateful that the Lord forgives me and uses people like you to convict, encourage, and keep shedding light. Lindsay, your blog was the first I ever found, and always the most meaningful. Thank you!
Thank you for this very honest post – so timely for me as I am struggling with letting go of *my* unrealistic expectations of my wonderful husband. Just last night I was praying for guidance on how best to serve my husband’s needs and to stop focusing on my own selfish desires and the very next morning I open up your blog with a post on this very topic AND a link to the 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge! I am so thankful to God for providing an answer to my prayer with both an encouraging example and a practical tool for accomplishing my goal. And how glad I am for you and your husband that your love has continued to grow and deepen through a commitment to Biblical principles.
Lindsay, I have been going through the same thing in my marriage. For the last couple of weeks the Lord has opened my eyes to how I act/speak to my husband especially when he doesn’t do something I think he should have done (without me telling him). During my reading of the daily Proverb these verses stuck out REAL LOUD!
Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 27:15-16 A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.
I know now that if I would just communicate with my husband then he would gladly do things I need him to do. No nagging needed! The funny part about this whole growing process is that Proverbs 25:24 was my husbands “quote” under his senior picture in his year book. Maybe the Lord was preparing him then for the growing his wife would need to do in the first few years of marriage
God is good!
This has hit so many nails on the head for me. Thank you very much. I will be thinking about this a lot, revisiting this post and trying my best (with God’s help) to get my attitude right.
God bless you and your family.
This is such a beautiful post. I have been on the same journey over the last three to four months and just love the way that our love life has changed. When I began truly appreciating all the hard work my husband does all day, all of the support that he offers in the evening, the Godly way he manages our finances, and how much fun we have together. My heart has been truly blessed and overflows with an intensity of love I did not know I could feel for another person. And God has blessed our relationship together with huge growth!
I had considered writing my own post on this topic, but you worded it so much better than I could have!
Thanks so much for sharing your heart and struggles! I am at a similar place of moving beyond the shortcomings and focusing on the good in my sweet husband. Being negative can often be a trap set up by the enemy, but once we recognize that it is easy to get out! Thanks again for the encouragement!
Encouraging post, Lindsay. It is normal in relationships for disappointment to set in, when over the years, our spouse is not ‘living up’ to our initial expectations. This is described as the Interdependence Theory; we each have a ‘comparison level’ that describes the value of the outcomes that we believe we deserve in our dealings with others. As Christians, however, we have biblical truth to rely on and encourage us in our relationships, which you listed out quite nicely.
I do have one correction to make in your post, if you don’t mind
Your husband does not think differently than you because he ‘is a man.’ Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. Research does not support the view that men and women come from different cultures, let alone separate worlds. We’re both from earth! Big surprise, I know. We do as humans, however, have different personalities and attachment styles that may make it seem that way sometimes, but even these differences occur in the context of even broader similarities between the sexes.
Just my 2 cents
I hope you don’t mind. I’m currently finishing up my MA in Human Services with a concentration on communication and marriage and family counseling, all within the context of scripture, so it’s something I feel passionate about.
Thanks for another great post. I always enjoy reading.
I truly do believe men and women think differently, because they are men and women. lol Of course some women think more like men and some men think more like women, but over the vast majority there are huge differences.
Studies have been done showing vast difference in brain circuitry and hormones between men and women. I think it is safe to say even from a purely scientific perspective that men and women think differently. This post compares and contrasts the male/female brain:
http://www.mastersofhealthcare.com/blog/2009/10-big-differences-between-mens-and-womens-brains/
Thanks for your insight. There are certainly physical, hormonal differences between the sexes. In the case of relational science, however, the distinction between sex and gender differences is important, because some influential differences between men and women in relationships – gender differences – are largely taught to us as we grow up. For example, as in gender roles (patterns of behavior that are culturally expected, but are really stereotypical), men are supposed to be ‘masculine’ (assertive, self-reliant, decisive, competent, competitive) and women are supposed to be ‘feminine’ (warm, sensitive, emotionally expressive, and kind). In actuality, only about a quarter to a third of these tendencies are inherent. So, when it comes to communication, the way in which we relate to one another really depends on our individual traits. My husband and I happen to both be ‘androgynous.’ He is just as expressive as I am when it comes to communicating, and I am just as decisive and assertive as he is in other areas of our life.
I think we’ve entered a whole different topic here
This subject is fascinating. I would love to hear your thoughts. A great academic reference is Intimate Relationships by Miller and Perlman.
Great post Lindsay! I’m sure this will echo in the hearts of so many of us! Thank you for sharing so vulnerably, as your story brings the Gospel to light quite clearly.
Thanks. As a newlywed, I find myself trying so hard to learn in these areas, failing, confessing, and trying again to find grace. It’s good to hear from someone who has received the needed grace! Please keep up these kind of encouraging posts!
So good. So true. SO me. Thanks, Lindsay. Great post. The Lord has laid some wonderful things on your heart and consequently your blog is a tremendous blessing. God is good!
Thanks, Lindsay. This is a beautiful post — you are right on with what you have said.
So I really needed to read this post… This is in area in which I have been struggling lately. Thank you for your openness and honesty.
Amen, sister! Very well-said. This could not have come at a better time for me, so thank you.